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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed with my DP

49 replies

user1469751309 · 17/04/2017 18:08

Bit of background so not to drip feed I'm a disabled mum in a wheelchair with two DDs. My partner is from Canada and has gone away for one month to visit family the first time in 5yrs since he has been back leaving me with both the kids alone. I have a bit of help but not quite as much as I would need in an ideal world. Without giving too much away my disability can get worse very quickly with no reall warning. My DP and I agreed if this was to happen when he was away he would get the next flight home as he knows I would not able to manage the kids especially if I am in hospital.
Well you can probably see where this is going he has been gone for one week and my condition has taken a nosedive through no fault of my own. Although it is a temporary decline it will take me about 6 weeks to get better. The kids are now in limbo with my family who nearly ever have them and they are so upset and totally unsettled. I've mentioned to my DH that this has happened and instead of coming back as agreed he says I'll manage and will cope fine even though I'm in hospital strapped to more machines than I can count. My DM is unable to have the kids full time as she also has a disability and works full time and have no other family to really rely on.
I am so upset and angry I have no idea what im going to do now it's agony and the kids are so unsettled and upset they just want mummy home and I'm stuck. AIBU to be furious with my DH for not sticking to the agreed plan or am I being to harsh on him?

OP posts:

Amaried · 17/04/2017 20:21

God tough situation . Being a caree can be tough and 5 years is a very long time not to see his family, I can understand why he would be so reluctant but That's what he committed to so he should suck it up now. It is madness thought that you both hadn't a better plan for this eventuality

TheDisappearingUser · 17/04/2017 20:29

Oh dear. So if your mum can't have them full time - when are they back at school? Obviously very distressing for you ad them and presumably you can't have them visit you (too upsetting) so you are alone too? :(

He really needs to come back.

SpookyPotato · 17/04/2017 21:18

I feel sorry for him but he should come back. He hasn't seen his family in a long time so nothing wrong with him going, but there should have been a proper backup plan in place with family/friends rather than him saying he'd come back and hoping it wouldn't happen.

saoirse31 · 17/04/2017 21:21

Wouldn't the obvious thing to do in future be for him to take his dds to see their Canadian family members?

For now, I'm slightly BT two minds. If ur dds stay where they are for a wk or two, they'll presumably be fine?

saoirse31 · 17/04/2017 21:23

Hit post too soon. You say they're unsettled but depending on age may be fine in a short time. Also, surely u have some backup if u get similarly unwell and dp has to work, is that not an option?
Hope u recover soon

Original poster

user1469751309 · 17/04/2017 22:48

My eldest is 3 and my youngest is 1 so they are still really little. My eldest DD was bawling her eyes out leaving me today it was so upsetting but didn't want her to know I was so upset as well. Well I told him last night and he's still decided I will be fine. I think it's partly my fault I can normally get things sorted but I seem to have reached my limit this time. My mum is staying at the house tonight but means she's had to call her work tomorrow to say she can't make it in and she's got quite an important job and so she's not happy about it to be honest. I just feel so hopeless I'm hoping to be out of the hospital by the end of the week it's a broken leg this time but realistically it's not going to be fixed and it's just going to be ultra painful when I get home. Grrrrr I could strangle him. Going to call SS in the morning to see if I can get any more help. Thanks for all your replies by the way makes me realise I'm not going mad!

OP posts:

Original poster

user1469751309 · 17/04/2017 22:49

And sorry forgot to reply to the last one my DH is a SAHD and I do the working coz I can't manage the physical side of the kids as well as he can.... God hope you all don't think I'm a useless mum!

OP posts:

HeddaGarbled · 17/04/2017 22:56

Would your mum contact him? He's desperately trying to brush you off and you're feeling guilty so not being assertive enough. Someone else needs to tell him he's urgently needed at home. Actually, could someone from the hospital contact him?

blackteasplease · 18/04/2017 00:03

They are 3 and 1? And he left you with them wheelchair bound with no back up? That's madness. I think everyone must have assumed school age at least reading your post - I was imagining youngest at least 8 - and shocked when you revealed ages!

Madwoman5 · 18/04/2017 00:19

If the situation was reversed, wwyd? Those kids would have been with you on the trip and he would have had a full time carer. I can understand him wanting to stay and have respite, I can understand his need to see his family. I cannot understand on what alternative reality he thought leaving his disabled wife with two tiny kids for a few weeks was going to end well. He needs to come back as he said he would, right now. These are his babies and he needs to be here with them. Next time he needs to plan things better and ensure both you and they are suitably covered.

CesareBorgiasUnicornMask · 18/04/2017 06:30

I was going to suggest popping the kids on a plane but at 3 and 1 they obviously can't fly alone. I'd be very annoyed in your shoes- obviously DP should come home. Just a thought though - if he can afford a walk-on airfare, returns aren't usually much more expensive than singles- could he come home, help and also put some plans in place -paid childcare if necessary- to enable him to go back for the last week or so of his trip? (Possibly taking the 1-year-old with him since she won't need her own ticket?)

IdaDown · 18/04/2017 06:52

As the DCs are pre-schoolers, why didn't he take them with him ?

Hospital won't be able to release you till you have a care plan in place. You and the DCs will need one. Are the hospital aware you have 2DCs under 5 at home and your DM's situation?

Genuinely can't believe anyone would have thought this plan would be OK.

How on earth does DH think you're going to manage with a broken leg ( difficult for people, even without a physical disability)?

Nanna50 · 18/04/2017 07:14

TBH the trip sounds badly planned. You work and he is the main carer is that right? With or without a disability a month where the main carer is away will need some organisation. If he has the financial resources to pay for a walk on flight then care could be bought in, also respite from social services could have been arranged and family taking a few days off could have all co ordinated to enable him to visit his family and not leave you so vulnerable.

No one thinks your a bad mum, perhaps you were both naive not to take time to plan one trip in 5 years especially if your disability is so unpredictable. However if your plan was, if you get ill, he comes home then he needs to come home.

I think he's hoping that others will step in and he will face the music when he returns. How much does he need this break, a month is a long time?

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 18/04/2017 07:14

Hi OP, I'm so sorry that you are struggling.
He should come home, no question.
You know the old saying, 'Out of sight, out of mind', I think you need to send him a photograph, of you in hospital wired up. He needs a wake up call !
Tell him you are going to contact SS, as you don't have an alternative.
He really needs to get his butt home.
I hope you make a speedy recovery Lovely. 🌺

Allthebestnamesareused · 18/04/2017 07:58

If DH is SAHD what was the plan for the month while he was away and you were at work?

If you had a childminder sorted can they go therein the daytime so your DM does not have to have them full time?

If your DM was going to have them while he was away and you were at work isn't that just what is happening anyway?

I appreciate if you are in hospital it means that whoever was going to have them will be having them longer hours. Perhaps get a childminder for the day with DM doing overnights would work.

JustSpeakSense · 18/04/2017 08:48

I'm sorry you are having such a hard time.

I'm surprised you and DH didn't put some more support into place for when he is away, especially as you mentioned that it was a possibility your health could suddenly deteriorate.

I don't think him immediately returning from an expensive and planned trip to see family (that he hasn't visited in so long) is the right solution.

babyinarms · 18/04/2017 09:00

He should come home, no question about that , but really he shouldn't have left you for a month with no support at home. Your kids are young, you have a disability. Could he not have taken the kids with him , he's visiting family fgs, could they not have helped look after dcs?
I know as a sahd, he might feel he needs the break, but he need to get his priorities right. The kids won't always be this small, things will get easier, but right now he's needed at home .
Hope u feel better soon

Allthewaves · 18/04/2017 09:01

Well you both didn't plan this well. Get on to ss and see if u can get some help. Could dh be depressed and not face coming home

heron98 · 18/04/2017 09:06

I think that your DP should be able to go and see his family for a month given that he hasn't seen them for five years. I also think you need to have back up support for the children (paid for if need be) in case you need it without expecting him to come back. It isn't as though he is off gallivanting around the world every week

Penfold007 · 18/04/2017 09:19

As you are in hospital ask to see the hospital social workers as a matter of urgency. A temporary foster home might be the answer or a childminder. Presumably you had some sort of childcare in place to allow you to work.

Original poster

user1469751309 · 18/04/2017 13:57

I've taken my years worth of annual leave to have the month of I only work 24hrs a week anyway but it just means it's going to be a long 8 months from May until December but to be honest it's the least of my probs at the mo. Social services did put a care package in but with the care during the day and with me being there. I've contacted SS again and I'm just waiting for a call back from them. Hoping to get of from the ward by tomorrow AM. Thanks for all the advice ladies I do appreciate it even though now I can see I was being a little too optimistic. He didn't take them as he didn't have enough money to pay for thier tickets and as they are both so young I'm not sure if they would have coped with the heat. I have spoken with my OH and he has no intentions of even shaving s few days off the holiday but just keeps telling me I'll find a way as I always do. I just know if I was him I wouldn't let my partner be in such a mess. I do a lot for him and I do understand he needs a break but I guess I'm a bit hurt by his lack of care he hasn't even really asked how I am.

OP posts:

scottishdiem · 18/04/2017 14:22

He still should have come home and should recognise the problems you are in.

That said, its clear this wasnt planned well. If he is a carer surely the only way a holiday works is when there is another carer in place?

Penfold007 · 18/04/2017 18:29

I hope SS can help you and I'm not surprised your feeling hurt by 'D'P. He's right you will cope but because you have no option.
Not being flippant but don't forget you get all your annual leave back from the day you broke your leg as you are now 'sick'.

bettycat81 · 18/04/2017 19:12

He needs mind he isn't forced to eat his words and you find yourself able to cope without him much, much, easier than either of you realised.

Hope you find the help and support you do need quickly.

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