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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to tell the mother of my son's gf about their clandestine plans?

64 replies

pleaseadvise · 17/04/2017 13:39

I discovered last night my my 14 year old had left the house at nearly midnight to get the train to his girlfriend's town (also 14). He had put bags in his bed to look like a body sleeping. He had been acting suspiciously earlier which is why I checked on him (came into my room twice to say 'goodnight', or rather, to check I was falling asleep...) He left the house through a door to the outside which is in my laundry room which he also left open so he could sneak back in in the morning...

Ds and girlfriend are at the same boarding school, but home happens to be towns about 15 mins from each other. They have been going out for about a month. She has been grounded this holiday and had her phone taken away so they've had no contact over Easter, until she got her phone back a few days ago.

They clearly couldn't wait the few days until they saw each other again at school, so planned for my ds to get the train to her town at midnight, she would also sneak out of her house, and they would 'hang out' until the morning.

I'm so angry they would do this - so dangerous and sneaky. By the time I realized he was gone (10 mins) he had already got on a train and was waiting for a connecting train at a different station. I obviously called him and ordered him home immediately, and when home asked him to show me text messages to prove he was actually planning to meet his girlfriend (and not anyone else), which he did.

I've never met this girl or her parents, but I feel it's important that they also know what the two of them were planning. As they are boarders I can't take the parents aside at school, won't bump into them etc. I told ds that the girlfriend needs to give me her mum's number, but he is refusing to as he's trying to protect her from getting in trouble again. So I've said I will have to contact the school to get my number passed on to the mum and will tell her what has happened.

AIBU in doing this? I know if I was the other mum I would want to know, but I also don't want to get this girl into trouble. What should I do?

OP posts:
StillStayingClassySanDiego · 17/04/2017 13:41

I'd tell the other Mum, they're both minor's and she needs to know.

MrsTwix · 17/04/2017 13:42

I think I'd speak to the school as they are in loco parentis for her when she is there. Let them deal with her parents.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 17/04/2017 13:43

She has been grounded this holiday and had her phone taken away

Also this ^ there may be other problems that you aren't aware of so another reason to let her Parents know.

MrsTwix · 17/04/2017 13:44

Was she at school or at home?

DontLetMeBeMisunderstood · 17/04/2017 13:46

I think you're completely right, I'd want to know if it was my daughter. I'd probably do it through the school anyway as I'd want to make sure someone was keeping an extra eye on them while they're at school.

user1491572121 · 17/04/2017 13:47

Ooh yanbu OP! I would do the same as you. Make sure DS knows that should he choose not to give the number and you DO go through school, that it will be worse for them both.

TroysMammy · 17/04/2017 13:47

Being grounded for the holidays and no phone obviously means she is in trouble for something else. They have both been sneaky and your ds has potentially put himself in a risky situation.

You are not being unreasonable in wanting to speak to her parents as they are still children despite their perceived maturity.

Original poster
pleaseadvise · 17/04/2017 13:51

They are still on Easter holidays, go back to school later this week. She was grounded for something that happened at school (I know what this was and it doesn't concern me too much).

DS has spoken to her today and she's begged him to convince me not to tell her mum as she's just patched things up with her after being grounded for the holidays. Somehow I now feel like the bad guy Confused

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 17/04/2017 13:51

Yes, I would inform them

AnnieAnoniMouse · 17/04/2017 13:52

Tred carefully.

I'd talk to DS about why she was grounded, why they couldn't wait a couple more days to see each other or ASK if they could meet up today. Talk t him about the relationship in general (find out if they're sexually active).

You don't know what the girls family is like, so I'd be cautious.

Also, you want to have your sons trust and for him to know he can come to you if he has a problem. The way you handle this could affect your relationship through his teenage years.

Nothing actually happened, think carefully about what you do now.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 17/04/2017 13:54

I'd still feel an obligation to tell her Parents what was going on regardless of the pleading from the kids.

Bad guy or not.

Floralnomad · 17/04/2017 13:54

I would inform the parents , and I think I'd also be tempted to mention it to the house parent at school when they go back .

AnnieAnoniMouse · 17/04/2017 13:55

Why iPad just why? TREAD is a perfectly good word! I'd be putting it on freecycle if I didn't love it so much.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 17/04/2017 13:56

Also, you want to have your sons trust and for him to know he can come to you if he has a problem

That's all well and good but he lied to his Mum and tried to do a midnight flit from the family home, where's the trust from him?

nelipotter · 17/04/2017 13:58

I think AnnieAnoniMouse has some good advice there.

AnyFucker · 17/04/2017 13:59

I don't believe in rewarding a breach of trust with more trust

There have to be consequences

FrancisCrawford · 17/04/2017 14:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Benedikte2 · 17/04/2017 14:06

You can't be sure the GF won't go out late at night to meet up with your DS and she would be putting herself at risk and if anything happened to her you would feel guilty. At such a young age the responsible adults should be informed. The GF must have known it was wrong and she only has herself to blame for any upset with her parents.
Advise the school as well

sashh · 17/04/2017 14:10

I'm really torn on this.

The vast majority of parents would want to know and be sensible about it.

But there are a few who would totally overreact. And as the child of an over reactor I know I was more likely to be involved in hair-brained schemes because anything 'normal' like meeting up for a coke would have caused a meltdown so better to risk something stupid you just might get away with.

Would telling her parents put her in any sort of danger? Are they the type to pull her out of school?

I'm not sure I can think of anything a 14 year old would do at school that would have them grounded for 2-3 weeks with no phone unless it was something the school were considering excluding her for.

MammaTJ · 17/04/2017 14:12

This is dangerous, never mind treading carefully, they both need protecting from their daft behaviour.

I think you need to explain that it is not you telling her parents that will get her into trouble, but the behaviour that preceded it, they should understand. They may be angry and upset, but will soon realise you are right!

Point out better that than a knock on the door from the police saying they have found her body!

As the mother of girls, I would be furious if I found out later that you knew and had not told me! So furious I would locate you somehow and let you know it!

user1491572121 · 17/04/2017 14:12

Do you think it would be innapropriate to get DS to bring the girl round to meet you and give them both "the talk"

it will save her and be excruciating AND teach them a lesson. Remind them of the risks of travelling alone at night and about safe sex.

Goldmandra · 17/04/2017 14:13

I would just tell the school and let them inform the girl's parents.

BoneyBackJefferson · 17/04/2017 14:14

Whatever you decide to do with the parents you need to let the school know for when they go back.

dailymailarecunts · 17/04/2017 14:16

I used to go to boarding school and sneaking out in the night was very normal, so whilst I would be horrified if ds did it, I do think there's a real case for them having normalised this behaviour more than day pupils would have. I genuinely could be talking out my arse there, but it was my first thought on reading your post.

I would tell school, and ask them to inform the parents. School need to know to keep an eye on the nighttime wandering at their end, and her parents need to know because 15 year olds wandering about in the middle of the night is a total no-no.

I feel for you though, it's a horrible situation to be in Flowers

Viviennemary · 17/04/2017 14:16

You should tell the school and ask them to inform the girl's parents. Nothing good will come from all these lies and deceit. So she has learnt nothing about good behaviour and now wants it concealed from her parents. Don't go along with this.

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