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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to tell the mother of my son's gf about their clandestine plans?

64 replies

pleaseadvise · 17/04/2017 13:39

I discovered last night my my 14 year old had left the house at nearly midnight to get the train to his girlfriend's town (also 14). He had put bags in his bed to look like a body sleeping. He had been acting suspiciously earlier which is why I checked on him (came into my room twice to say 'goodnight', or rather, to check I was falling asleep...) He left the house through a door to the outside which is in my laundry room which he also left open so he could sneak back in in the morning...

Ds and girlfriend are at the same boarding school, but home happens to be towns about 15 mins from each other. They have been going out for about a month. She has been grounded this holiday and had her phone taken away so they've had no contact over Easter, until she got her phone back a few days ago.

They clearly couldn't wait the few days until they saw each other again at school, so planned for my ds to get the train to her town at midnight, she would also sneak out of her house, and they would 'hang out' until the morning.

I'm so angry they would do this - so dangerous and sneaky. By the time I realized he was gone (10 mins) he had already got on a train and was waiting for a connecting train at a different station. I obviously called him and ordered him home immediately, and when home asked him to show me text messages to prove he was actually planning to meet his girlfriend (and not anyone else), which he did.

I've never met this girl or her parents, but I feel it's important that they also know what the two of them were planning. As they are boarders I can't take the parents aside at school, won't bump into them etc. I told ds that the girlfriend needs to give me her mum's number, but he is refusing to as he's trying to protect her from getting in trouble again. So I've said I will have to contact the school to get my number passed on to the mum and will tell her what has happened.

AIBU in doing this? I know if I was the other mum I would want to know, but I also don't want to get this girl into trouble. What should I do?

OP posts:

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 17/04/2017 14:18

Do you think it would be inappropriate to get DS to bring the girl round to meet you and give them both "the talk"

I would keep everything upfront and wouldn't do this.

Nanny0gg · 17/04/2017 14:20

Why always the assumption that there are potentially abusive parents around?

She may have been grounded because whatever she did at school was the straw that broke the camel's back.

Her parents absolutely need to know what they were planning (whose idea was it anyway?)

If it were my daughter and I found out about it well after the fact I would be furious. What if she tried it again and something dreadful happened? You must tell them.

Fingalswave · 17/04/2017 14:21

You need to involve the other parents and the school for their own safety.

lostatsea1 · 17/04/2017 14:25

Blimey I'm just trying to get over the total shock that there are still places in the UK with trains running that late at night on a bank holiday weekend. ........

contrary13 · 17/04/2017 14:25

I think that, morally, you have to make sure that the girlfriend's parents know about their plans. Although, realistically, you do have to tread very carefully - otherwise next time, they may take it into their heads to run away together because "no one understands [them] or [their] love for one another!"... (I perhaps should have put 'love' in quotation marks, because they're 14 and don't even know each other, really, so how can they love one another, but I'm sure you'll all get the point I was making!)

Teenagers are renowned for making stupid decisions and not thinking about the consequences of their actions/behaviour until it's too late, I'm afraid. And this generation have far more "freedom" than any other before them - whether it's actual freedom, or the freedom which modern technology has created for them in tiny little boxes that they're loathe to be parted from.

If it were me, and my 14 year old child (I have a 20 and a 12 year old, so been there, and still have it to come!) had hidden plans to meet up overnight with a friend of either gender... I'd be furious. If they'd made plans to meet up with a "boyfriend" or "girlfriend" overnight in such a way... well, there would be lots of embarrassing parent-child chats about sex, and consent, and contraception. Punishment enough, perhaps. But if the friend's parent knew about it and didn't tell me... well. I would want to know why they were colluding with my child to behave so recklessly, I'm afraid. Not only with their own selves, but in leaving two homes open to being burgled by leaving access routes open.

Do you know if the girlfriend was still at her house, OP, or if she'd crept out to meet your son? Was she safe? Was their plan for your son to spend the night at her house all along...? Do her parents already know and think that such behaviour is acceptable? Perhaps, to them, it is. Perhaps they think that, to you, it's acceptable because of your silence on the matter.

In other words?

Yes, you need to tell them. If your son/his girlfriend won't give you the number, then 192.com them. Never mind going through the school, you have to deal with this now, not in a few weeks time. Because it might be too late in a few weeks time.

HarrietSchulenberg · 17/04/2017 14:26

The girl's parents need to know but I am not sure why people are advising you to tell the school as it has nothing to do with it.
If the concern is about underage sex then I'm sure a co-ed boarding school will have robust procedures for segregating hormonal, lovestruck teens at night.

Original poster

pleaseadvise · 17/04/2017 15:08

Thanks all so much for your advice.

He has sent her a message insisting she gives me her mum's number or else I'll go through the school. I'll discuss with the mum if we should to tell the school.

OP posts:

Goldmandra · 17/04/2017 15:44

Of course you should tell the school. If they are willing to go to those lengths to be together in the middle of the night, the adults responsible for their care need to be aware of it.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 17/04/2017 15:44

I didn't say there shouldn't be any punishment for him sneaking out, that's a separate issue to telling her parents.

I just said to tread carefully and think about what she does before she does it. He's 14, he did something stupid, but the world hasn't ended. No one got hurt, nothing terrible happened. He got on a train.

The way you handle things like this can shape the course of your relationship with them through their teen years, it pays to listen to them and then decide your course of action, not just steam in.

MrsWhiteWash · 17/04/2017 15:51

I'd have gone through the school told them and ask them if they thought it appropriate to inform other parents- what's to say you actually end up talking with the other mother and not a sympathetic aunt or big sister or other female person by phone?

Plus probably good idea boarding school is aware they've tried this to keep an eye on them while in their care.

Funnyface1 · 17/04/2017 15:56

You absolutely have to tell her parents, please don't feel bad. It's the right thing to do.

FlyingElbows · 17/04/2017 15:58

Well ofcourse a co-ed boarding school has procedures in place to keep Romeo and Juliet safe from themselves but I'd be telling them anyway. No independent co-ed boarding school wants a 14 year old pregnant girl as advertising!

Op would you get anywhere by looking on Facebook for this girl's mother? It's really important you speak to her and these kids need a very sharp dose of "consequences".

Daydream007 · 17/04/2017 16:01

Her parents need to know. I'd be fuming if my daughter had done that and I wasn't told. They are only 14.

Darbs76 · 17/04/2017 16:14

I'm torn, I'd either tell them or get the girl round or call her. But if something else happened and you didn't tell parents you'd look bad. Hard one - whose idea was it to meet up? Or mutual?

DancingLedge · 17/04/2017 16:14

I too am torn.
But would find it hard to forgive if someone knew this about my daughter, and didn't tell me.

In a different dilemma, I told the teenagers involved that there were ,sadly, only two choices. They told the other parents, or I did. And had to get confirmation that it was done.

I say sadly, because whatever young idiots they've been, and whatever consequences will follow, they've got themselves in an awkward situation now, and a tone of critical bricks tone may jeopardise future communications.

Next, school. What happens there? Contraception? Extra night checks? Depends on the tone of the house parents I suppose. Really good house parents may be quite helpful, with insights into the dynamics of this relationship.I guess you've got to leave the kids in no doubt that if they pull this stuff at school, they'll likely be out- no boarding school can keep young folks separate, but night absences are such a safeguarding issue that it may get them chucked out. Point out that they will then hardly see each other at all.

14 isn't for ever.

Beeziekn33ze · 17/04/2017 16:30

Glad you're going to get in touch with her parents. The school should be told too.
They planned a daft romantic adventure but 'hanging out' at night could have made them vulnerable to many kinds of danger. Are you considering grounding your son and making sure he can't go anywhere without your knowledge?
Good luck with all this anyway.

GrassWillBeGreener · 17/04/2017 16:46

I've a 14 yr old daughter at boarding school too, and I agree that talking to school about this is an appropriate part of managing it. Depending on your relationship with houseparents you might be able to keep it fairly light, perhaps along the lines of, "I'm sure you're well able to control things at school but thought you'd want to know what they'd been trying to do in the holidays".

Hope you're able to get in touch with her parents and present a united front.

JanetBrown2015 · 17/04/2017 16:59

I wouldn't tell anyone otherwise your son might end up arrested these days. It's a risky business disclosing this kind of stuff. Take legal advice from a solicitor before you tell anyone.

Floralnomad · 17/04/2017 17:17

janet , what a ridiculous thing to say .

harderandharder2breathe · 17/04/2017 17:20

janet that's ridiculous and you're batshit crazy

OP you must tell the girls parents. And as it's s boarding school, I think the school should know as well

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 17/04/2017 17:24

Why would he be arrested?.

They're both 14 and hatched the plan together based on the OP.

Original poster

pleaseadvise · 17/04/2017 17:45

Arrested

OP posts:

theothersideoftheworld · 17/04/2017 17:52

janet that advice is so ridiculous it's almost laughable. Arrested for what exactly?
I would inform the other mum too. She needs to know so she can keep an eye on her daughter and keep her safe .

SparklyMagpie · 17/04/2017 18:23

Janet what are you sniffing to come up with that absolute load of shite ?!

SparklyMagpie · 17/04/2017 18:24

Actually I can't wait for Janet to explain that comment

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