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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think 18 yo can order her own drink?

57 replies

BlueySnakey · 17/04/2017 13:16

Currently away and there is a bar. No need to pay as you get a bill at the end of the day. DD(18) still makes me go up and get her a drink! WIBU to say she can get it herself?

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 17/04/2017 13:38

It's odd that you're even asking Grin

Trills · 17/04/2017 13:39

At 18 presumably she is able to ask for a bus fare, tell the hairdresser how she wants her hair done etc.

Telling the hairdresser how you want your hair done is the hardest thing i the world.

TondelayaDellaVentamiglia · 17/04/2017 13:41

18 and won't ask for a drink??...catch yourself on OP and send her, does she hide behind your skirts if anyone looks at her?

harderandharder2breathe · 17/04/2017 13:41

She can't make you! Stop pandering to her and she'll have to get her own or do without

NotTheFordType · 17/04/2017 13:42

Is she wearing a bikini? If so I can understand. I used to make my BF go up to the bar if I was in a bikini because I was so body conscious. It's better if you do encourage her to go though.

TJDetweiler · 17/04/2017 13:45

The problem with bars is that they are seem to have this system of queueing which no one ever explains to you. I'm always worried I'm going to stand somewhere and cut in front of someone else.

I avoided them until I turned 22 and I still hate them now. (I avoided them by going out about once a year)

In other words I sympathise with your daughter. Maybe it just seems daunting? It would be good to encourage her though so she gets past it and it doesn't take four years like with me.

gleam · 17/04/2017 13:49

Do you think she's tryingvto avoid hassle from the barstaff?

FrancisCrawford · 17/04/2017 13:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sparklingbrook · 17/04/2017 13:59

I agree that bars are a bit of a minefield in terms of queuing etc.

I think you are going to have to resort to asking your DD why she doesn't want to go to the bar, rather than random strangers on the internet trying to guess.

HemiDemiSemiquaver · 17/04/2017 14:08

yes if you're shy, sometimes things like that can feel incredibly hard, and being made to do them isn't going to help.

Gradually learning yourself to do more and more difficult things, yes. But someone else deciding for you what an appropriate first step is, when it might be miles beyond your comfort zone, doesn't help at all - the panic can get so bad that it then makes it impossible to go back to easier steps. Or in my case, meant that I had to force the panic down enough to not show that I was scared, for fear of being made to do something. So I learned to cover up just enough to do occasional things, but never got comfortable or confident, was liable to have panic attacks at random times which then confused everyone, and learned to hide any and all emotions. Bad idea.

Much better would have been able to have whatever support and modelling I needed, for as long as I needed it, and to be able to go at my own pace to overcome things.

It was impossible to explain to someone without the crippling shyness how different situations might be that otherwise seemed the same - why was the doctor's reception ok but not the dentists, or asking for a drink in one place fine, but another terrifying? it was the smallest, subtlest of details that were huge in my mind and made all the difference, but would have sounded ridiculous to try to explain.

So if it's shyness, then take time and let her work it out as slowly as she needs.

If it's just laziness, well that's another thing!

Allfednonedead · 17/04/2017 14:09

Trills, FrancisCrawford
Telling the hairdresser what you want is so hard I don't think I've ever managed it.
Hairdresser communication is so stressful that one of the most relaxed haircuts I've ever had was in Japan, where I didn't have to even try because of the language barrier.

Trills · 17/04/2017 14:12

"Orange fanta" is a simple concept.

"How I would like my hair" is complicated and the conversation will likely require phrases that I do not use in everyday life, phrases which I might understand poorly or interpret differently to the hairdresser.

Goldmandra · 17/04/2017 14:34

Gradually learning yourself to do more and more difficult things, yes. But someone else deciding for you what an appropriate first step is, when it might be miles beyond your comfort zone, doesn't help at all - the panic can get so bad that it then makes it impossible to go back to easier steps.

Everybody is different. Some people just do it, some need a nudge, some need someone to go with them while they do it and some, like my daughter wouldn't even let on that they were thirsty if they expected to be sent to the bar themselves.

She knows how to do it and, one day, when she feels ready, she'll pluck up the courage and just get on with it. In the meantime, who is to decide what is right and what is wrong? Why is it bad for her not to force her to take this step right now?

I don't think being pushed out of her comfort zone every time she wants a drink is going to make for a very nice holiday.

I'd just get it for her and let her relax.

Having two daughters with AS has taught me that pressure to do what other people deem to be age appropriate is pointless. My girls have both learned some communication and organisation skills way behind their peers but DD1 got there eventually and DD2 is making steady progress. Pressure just makes everything harder.

Why not just enjoy the fact that she is still happy to go on holiday with you? It may not go on for much longer.

MiniEggMuncher · 17/04/2017 14:39

It can be daunting. Maybe go up with her but get her to order?

MapMyMum · 17/04/2017 14:41

If shes shy then bring her up with you and let her hear you say it so she knows what to expect, then maybe she'll be more confidentm she might want you beside her the first few times she does the speaking though. Shes learning something new, help her develop, dont expect her to do it alone if shes obviously reluctant to do so

luckylucky24 · 17/04/2017 14:42

My 4 year old has been ordering his own drink and food in restaurants for at least a year now. She needs to pull herself together (assuming she has no learning difficulties or social anxieties.

flowery · 17/04/2017 14:46

"DD(18) still makes me go up and get her a drink!"

How does she "make" you exactly? Do you mean she asks you to get it and you agree? In which case if you think she should do it herself, just refuse next time. Easy.

Auspiciouspanda · 17/04/2017 14:49

I grew up being told I'm 'just shy' when I found speaking to strangers and ordering things hard, when in reality I had pretty bad social anxiety.

Now I'm on medication I can now successfully order a subway which is pretty cool.

So she maybe like me or maybe she's lazy; talk to her - it's the only way you're going to find out.

littleme2017 · 17/04/2017 15:05

I was a wee bit like this at that age but once I'd done it a few times I was fine. Maybe go up to the bar with her for support but encourage her to do the talking.

allowlsthinkalot · 17/04/2017 15:09

I make my seven year old go and order her own drink in a cafe or do without. We started out with me going and standing next to her.

Goldmandra · 17/04/2017 15:29

I make my seven year old go and order her own drink in a cafe or do without.

Why "or do without"?

If she couldn't do it, would you really refuse her a drink?

I would assume that she a generally a confident child who is pretty much ready to do it anyway which is great. I'm just not sure why you need to threaten her with having no drink if that's the case.

nosyupnorth · 17/04/2017 15:41

if she's only 18 i'm guessing she doesn't have much practice ordering for herself at bars.
god knows the first few times i'd end up queuing for bloody ages because people would cut in front of my and i didn't have enough understanding of bar queues to asset myself
(also with some particularly high bars I could barely see over the top which never helped me)
it's a skill like everything else in life, help her learn it

stuckinthehouse · 18/04/2017 07:32

I am late 20's now and have only been able to do it since I met dh and he really helped my shyness and boosted my confidence amazingly.

Surely the point though is that this should/could have been done by your parents?

Sirzy · 18/04/2017 07:38

I hate ordering at bars. I will do it but I hate it. I have social anxiety issues so struggle with that.

Thankfully I have understanding people around me who don't force me to do it when they know how uncomfy it makes me feel. I still pay my way but unless it is somewhere I feel comfy they go to the bar. Just like I do others things in other contexts to make life simpler for them too.

Not everyone fits into the same boxes and if you don't find something hard it can be hard to understand how it is but that doesn't mean it isn't for others.

MrsWhiteWash · 18/04/2017 07:58

Do you think she's tryingvto avoid hassle from the barstaff?

I wondered this.

If not surely best way to handle this is to insist she goes with you and watch - then next time get her to order while you stand there then time after she goes by herself. Then she can see any queuing system in place and see how you handle it.

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