To turn up out of the blue and ask this?

[noitsnotme]

I've posted about this before, although not specifically this question.

I would like to trace my biological dad, and my best, likely only, bet of doing so is through my godmother. I haven't seen her in years, but have kept in touch (sporadically with her daughter).

I asked the daughter about a month ago if she thought her mum would mind me going to see her and why. She eventually texted back and said to pop up she'd love to see me. So I texted again and asked if she thought it would be okay to do so that week. I've never heard back. I don't k i.e. if she mentioned it to her mum at all.

I just feel uncomfortable turning up unannounced, having had no contact for years, and putting a 70+ woman on the spot by asking what she knows. But her daughter has told me in the past that she does know.

My mum and stepdad have been dead since I was a child and the one other person I thought might know, doesn't.

There's no phone number listed for her. Is it kinder to send her a card and mention it, and ask her to get in touch with me? But what if she doesn't? What if she has some kind of loyalty to my mum where she doesn't want to discuss it with me?

good luck :)

Hope it goes well and she can help.
Good luck x

Really hope it goes well OP an you get the information you need

Good luck :)

Hope you get your info op. I'm so pleased you decided to go.

Thanks for the good luck wishes, but she couldn't tell me. She says she is sure that she knows his name, but can't remember it. She says he definitely knew my mum was having me though, and so did his sisters. (2, possibly 3 sister) So I guess he just wasn't interested. She is going to ask another of my mums friends, as her husband was friendly with him, so she's sure she'll know about him, although the husband is long dead.

I had really told myself she'd know.

I'm sorry she didn't know more op, that must be tough

Although she didn't know, she hasn't slammed the door in your face and is trying to find someone who may know.
I take it there are no siblings on your mums side that would know. Or have any family photos of your mum survived from around the time you were conceived? It might give you a name if someone has written names/years on the back of the photo.

She may find out or remember, at least you've tried! She'd probably love a chat about your memories of her from when you were a child too. 💐

Maybe her asking around will unearth a few clues for you.

Have you thought of putting a sensitively worded add in the local paper using a box number?

It was nice to see her, and we did have a good catch up. I took her some flowers and stayed about 1 & 3/4 hours. I actually didn't realise her own mum died when she was tiny. She told me to write down my phone number for if she finds out any more.

My mum has a younger brother, but my godmother and my mums best friend, who I also asked about a year ago, are both pretty certain he'll not know details. My imminent arrival didn't go down well in the family apparently, and I guess it's not really something you discuss with your 18/19 yo brother, especially back 35 years ago.

To have it confirmed that he knows about me, is hard to get my head around. I've long thought I could be walking past him, not knowing it's him, but now I know he could be walking past me and actually does know it. Hadn't thought of it that way until tonight!

Tapandgo No, I can't imagine doing that, really. I'd have to put my mums name and putting her business out there like that doesn't feel right. Or even my own name. Makes me feel totally exposed. I think maybe it's because i don't have my mums blessing to be doing this.

That's so hard.
My Mam and dad split when I was 4 and had no contact until I was 29, I found a family member on Facebook then done some serious digging about until I found his wife. It took a few months, I've since met up with him and stuff but to be honest
I wish I'd left well alone, however you always have a need and want to find a parent, my situation is different from yours op, but keep searching x

Bella why was there no contact all that time and why do you wish you left it alone? Are you still in contact now? Sorry it didn't turn out as well as you would have liked.

He left us under bad circumstances my Mam lost her house and he ended up doing a stint in prison. My Mam and nana hated him, he said he didn't get into contact as was too ashamed. I think when a parent is absent you think up all sorts of reasons why there's been no contact. In reality my dad was an alcoholic who lived a sordid life. He lives abroad so probably see him annually and I suppose I don't feel any connection, I'm glad I found him as I always wondered from being little, does that
Make sense? It's a difficult one op

Makes perfect sense. It's the curiosity I need to deal with. Just who he is, what he does, and what the extent of my "family" is now. I suppose now I'd also like to know how he could just pretend I don't exist.

Now I think about it more, is it so bad to put something in the local newspaper? Just something really vague, such as "I'm trying to trace anyone who knew (mums maiden name) round about 19..."??

I wouldn't feel bad about putting something like that in the paper. I can completely imagine you'd have liked to have your mum's blessing, but equally you do have the right to seek out this information. You're not betraying her or letting her down.

I got to know my biological father in my mid 20s - my mum got in touch with him first and gave me his email address - I'm still glad I did but it was/is weird at the same time. I think it's really hard not to build up a story in your head of what's happened and who they might be, even if you think you have no expectations at all, and facing the real person is very different. Be really kind to yourself through this whole process. And good luck.

Thanks Squid. I suppose it's still something weird to put in the paper though. I mean, any replies I got, what do I say? "Just wondering if you know who my dad is?"

And I guess if he wanted find me, he could have. I've lived here my whole life really, and my dads death was in the local paper, saying he was a widower when he died. If you hear your 12yo has been orphaned and don't reach out to her then, you're never going to are you?

He may not have seen it as his place to contact you the moment your stepfather passed away. He doesn't know that you knew your stepdad wasn't your bio dad. Imagine just turning up on a 12 year olds doorstep saying hi I'm you dad, especially in those circumstances.
Put an article in the paper and ask for those who knew your mum at that age, then sift through ones who wouldn't know anything I.e postman, her from 5 doors down, but find the people who claim to be friends with her. If they were friends they would in theory know who she was dating.

I really feel for you, knowing who your parents are is such a basic need and you've lost both of yours. I would continue to stay in touch with your godmother and see if she comes up with anything. It sounds as if she wants to help. It's not that long ago...someone must know.

Good luck.

Perhaps, but another 22 years have passed. I knew at 12, at about 9, even, but only because I worked it out for myself. I didn't tell anyone.

You never know when your times up, so make sure you tell someone you trust to pass on any secrets for you one day!

Me again.

I think I may have seen the friend that my godmother said she would speak to on Facebook (another neighbour of my mums, the one whose deceased husband apparently knew with my bio dad).

There's also another friend of my mums that I know is definitely on Facebook.

Any opinions on whether or not I should message them and ask? The first lady still lives where she always did, so again, I could turn up at her door. But I don't think I should.

The second lady, I don't know her address.

Thanks.

Although you could turn up on the doorstep, I think I'd send a card or letter first. I know that personally I'd like to be able to read a letter rather than being caught on the hop, as I don't do well with out of the blue stuff. This first friend could give you an address for the second.

I can't be sure, but I don't believe the first woman could tell me the other ones address. I don't have any reason to believe they knew each other.

So for the second woman, a Facebook message is my only option.

Send messages and / or go round to the house you know if you like. You have nothing to lose. Good luck!! 💐