To upset MiL by insisting family treat both our kids the same?

[FitLikeQuine1]

We know my DH isnt the favoured son and that MiL favours his brother and my SiL and their kids. Dont normally let it get to me, ours love their DGP's and I do get on with them, FiL especially.
Last year DSD went to stay for a few days in summer with MiL and FiL, our DS is too young yet. This coincided with BiL and SiL's baby's birthday, so naturally MiL and FiL were invited to baby's family party and took DSD along.
Dh, DS and I were not invited. Fine, except DSD came home upset cos she was expecting to see us at this family party and where were we?
We explained we werent invited and agreed that in future, we'd ask MiL not to take only DSD to a family event but to include DS also.

So this years visit came up today and I politely asked them to not take DSD to a family event alone as we are a family and it had upset DSD last year. I also politely said it wasnt fair on DS. Nothing more, just we felt it best to talk to them about it.
Of course, that went up MiL's arse sideways and they had to change plans, dates etc. WIBU to say that to her?

I did think there is a backstory, and after reading Shiroi's post, I still agree with my earlier post - I do think if there's not going to be contact between your family and BIL's, then it will be awkward if DSD is expected to have a relationship with them.

I wonder if SIL is trying to cause problems for OP and her DH by fostering relationship with DSD but not DH, OP and DS.

I too don't see the problem. They were invited to a party and took DSD with them. It is sad that she expected to see you at the party but just a misunderstanding.

I don't think you should lay down the law about where they can adn can't take her with something as benign as this.

Your thread title suggests a huge discrepancy with how they treat their grandchildren but I and many other posters just aren't seeing it.

I don't think you are unreasonable in the way you stuck up for your step daughter who was upset. Your mil is being ridiculous is it that hard to extend the invite to her own sons family!? But instead changes dates and acts like a martyr!?

But your DS is too young to go to stay with them.

So they can't treat him and his sister the same yet.

I take it that DSD is their grandchild from their son's previous relationship and DS is their grandchild from their son's relationship with you?

YABU unfortunately. Whatever the issues between your DH and his brother, this was the wrong incident/issue to use to tackle it! You've put pressure on MIL to 'pick' between them and that was never going to work! Also, dictating what they can do with your DSD when she is with you is not going to make them think more highly of you or your DH.

I think if you are going to allow her to stay with GPs then you have to let them do family things with her,

Its not really upto the Op to let her husbands daughter stay with his parents.

yes, i know (hence the italics), i was trying to find the right word, but i do think that you cant stop the Inlaws going to family events with DSD as they are her family

is it that hard to extend the invite to her own sons family!?

If it's someone else's party, then yes, it might be that hard for MIL to extend an invite to OP and her DH. Particularly if there's some backstory involving a difficult relationship between OP/her DH and BIL/SIL and it's BIL/SIL's party.

So roughly you think either your dad should have been left behind if old enough or your mil shouldn't have gone, which isn't really fair.

It's perfectly normal to invite grandparents but not uncle/aunt/cousins to a birthday party. Because she was staying with them she went. She wasn't strictly speaking invited, she was included because she was with mil.

I'm surprised she was upset you weren't there though, unless she'd been led to believe you would be or something else happened that upset her.

If you start insisting they are treated the same the most likely result is both lose out as your mil won't date treat either in case of you kicking off.

BIL and SIL didn't invite you. That's their fault not PIL.

DSD was staying with PIL who were invited so she went along too.

DS was not staying as you decided he's too young, that's your decision as his parents. Also not PIL fault.

YABU to blame PIL here. Is your DSD never going to be allowed to do things unless DS does them too?

Why would dsd expect you to be there?

You sound jealous of her tbh.

DSD might expect them their as its a party with their side of the family, she probably doesn't know much about the fall out?

Interesting info there, Shiroi.
In which case I stand by my original YANBU, OP - it's not right that your DH's DD should be put in this position, where her aunt and uncle despise you and your husband and son, but if she goes with the PILs, then that's just about ok.

Apart from anything else, it's setting your DSD up for a fall too - because if she's NOT with PILs, then she's not going to be invited either, due to association with you - and that's not right.

So I have to agree with you - it should be all or none.

Your ILs are being very manipulative, all of them!