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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To upset MiL by insisting family treat both our kids the same?

62 replies

FitLikeQuine1 · 17/04/2017 02:46

We know my DH isnt the favoured son and that MiL favours his brother and my SiL and their kids. Dont normally let it get to me, ours love their DGP's and I do get on with them, FiL especially.
Last year DSD went to stay for a few days in summer with MiL and FiL, our DS is too young yet. This coincided with BiL and SiL's baby's birthday, so naturally MiL and FiL were invited to baby's family party and took DSD along.
Dh, DS and I were not invited. Fine, except DSD came home upset cos she was expecting to see us at this family party and where were we?
We explained we werent invited and agreed that in future, we'd ask MiL not to take only DSD to a family event but to include DS also.

So this years visit came up today and I politely asked them to not take DSD to a family event alone as we are a family and it had upset DSD last year. I also politely said it wasnt fair on DS. Nothing more, just we felt it best to talk to them about it.
Of course, that went up MiL's arse sideways and they had to change plans, dates etc. WIBU to say that to her?

OP posts:

KateDaniels2 · 17/04/2017 07:11

I dont get it.

There was a get together at bils house. They were looking after dsd and took her.

Do you honestly expect them to avoid getting together with their son and family if something is planned during the time she is staying with them?

Why not explain to dd, it was a get together and you just werent attending.

The ages of the kids do matter though and since its your dhs child, his brother and his parents......why didnt he say anything?

My mum and dad came to my sons birthday party at my house. My brother and his kids didnt. Because his 1 and 3 year old dont know my 7 year olds friends and arent really intersted in playing the games they did.

Ny nephews birthday was the week after. My kids and us didnt go for the same reason. My 13 year old wasnt interested in either party.

However if one of our kids were staying with our parents we would not have expected our parents not to attend.

No one has fallen out or got arsey about it.

saracrewe2 · 17/04/2017 07:14

It seems that OP seems to think that they favour the dsd over her son.

KateDaniels2 · 17/04/2017 07:15

I also think the "if one kid is invited the other must be' way of thinking isnt great.

My dd is 13 and my ds 7. They rarely get invited ro the same stuff. Its fine. Dd stayed with my parents to help with the christmas baking last year. Ds didnt. He has stayed when the cousin closest in age has stayed and throughly enjoyed his 'boys night' with my dad.

Ameliablue · 17/04/2017 07:19

It depends on the nature of the party. Was this a family party in that it was mainly family invited and you and dh we excluded or was it a child party with mainly friends from toddlers etc. plus grandparents?
If it's the former then i could understand but if it's the latter then i think you are being unreasonable. You need to set you dsd's expectations for her visit so that she doesn't expect to see you somewhere that you are not likely to be.

supermoon100 · 17/04/2017 07:20

I think a family do to which you are not invited is pretty off

saracrewe2 · 17/04/2017 07:25

Nobody said it was a family do though? It was the GP's being invited to a baby's (1st?) birthday. It doesn't sound as if it was even a do. If Uncle Harry from Australia and second cousin twice removed Beth was invited then it would be a totally different scenario.

EsmeeMerlin · 17/04/2017 07:27

They have not favoured dsd, your ds was a baby and would have been more suited to stay with you. Me and my younger sister stayed with our grandparents all the time without our younger brother while he was a baby/toddler and harder for our nan to manange. Once he was older he got his sleepovers with nan.

Surely it's your bil and sil you should be mad at for not inviting you. Your mil had your dsd so just took her along, she did nothing wrong. Did you expect her to miss her grandchild's birthday party?

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 17/04/2017 07:34

I'm failling to see why so many posters are missing the point that the OP's BIL, her DH's brother, didn't bother his arse to invite the OP and her DH to their child's birthday party. Whyever not?

I don't think the PILs were particularly at fault for taking the DSD, they could hardly have left her behind on her own, but I DO think the BIL/SIL were completely in the wrong for not inviting OP and her DH.

I don't think the OP is completely in the wrong for telling the GPs that DSD was upset last year, and that she would prefer not to be taken to "family" parties that her father, stepmother and baby brother are excluded from either - but it seems that, rather than the bloody BIL inviting his own brother and family to their offspring's party, the GPs have changed the date that they have DSD to stay, so NONE of them are going to this other grandchild's party now!

How is that unreasonable of the OP? Don't see it.

Chloe84 · 17/04/2017 07:35

It is sad that you all weren't invited to a baby's family party, esp as your DS is young. Is there a problem between DH and BIL? Or with SIL?

Do you think BIL and SIL pecifically wanted DSD there? Are they still in touch with DH's ex?

I do think if there's not going to be contact between your family and BIL's, then it will be awkward if DSD is expected to have a relationship with them.

Lucked · 17/04/2017 07:36

YABU

As DSD is in their house and DS isn't they can't be treated the same unless they haven't to leave the house with her or buy her any treats! What is they want to take her to a funfair but obviously can't take ds -why is that different.

The issue here is that you were slighted by not being invited to the party.

Chloe84 · 17/04/2017 07:36

specifically!

HashiAsLarry · 17/04/2017 07:45

Maybe going against the grain but YANBU to mention is and to offer to work dates around it.
The fact MIL is huffing about having to change plans rather than questioning why you r dH at the very least haven't been invited speak volumes.

pictish · 17/04/2017 07:48

Um...I think yabu. You seem to be dictating that they must not attend anything to do with db and sil, with dsd, unless you, dh and ds are also invited?
I assume invites to db and sil's events are not in mil's jurisdiction...so...wtf are you on about?

NotStoppedAllDay · 17/04/2017 08:02

Yabu

Mumsnet is weird again.... lots of this precious rubbish going on. Ridiculous

sonjadog · 17/04/2017 08:17

YABU. They were invited to visit your BiL and family while she was staying with them and they took her along with them. That´s a normal thing to do. They don´t have to demand that you all also get invited when you aren´t staying with them to an event that they aren´t organizing. The only confusion seems to be that your daughter thought you´d be there. So maybe this is a good opportunity for her to learn that "family" can include different gatherings of people she is related to, it doesn´t have to include the people she is closest related to all the time and not everyone in the family has to be invited every time?

NeedsAsockamnesty · 17/04/2017 08:40

I don't think it was unreasonable to let them know she had been upset as that's an opourtunity to make sure she is prepped in the future so she understands whose expected at events and whose not.

Yabu to think shouod have been invited to a 1yo's party that's the sort of things that parents and grandparents do and get excited about but rarely anybody else. And it's an event for those people it's not often an event for everybody else

Nofunkingworriesmate · 17/04/2017 08:42

I'm totally confused
Why were you not invited to a family baby birthday ?
If it was for gps and cousin why not brother ( and wife etc )

Ameliablue · 17/04/2017 08:47

There are lots of reasons why they might not have been invited. Without more info, it is impossible to say if they were deliberately snubbed. I've certainly not been to all my nieces' and nephews' parties and my siblings and in-laws haven't attended all my children's. Sometimes due to distance, sometimes due to other commitments and sometimes because it's just not that sort of party.

KateDaniels2 · 17/04/2017 08:48

didn't bother his arse to invite the OP and her DH to their child's birthday party. Whyever not?

Because we dont know much. Op is saying its a family party. But it depends on what a family party means to the op.

What her and her dhs relationship is like with dbro, how far they live etc.

FittonTower · 17/04/2017 08:48

How old is the child that got upset at the guest list of a party?? I think you probably need to talk to your step daughter about being able to spend time away from her parents if you're going to send her to stay at her grandparents house.
If you are upset that you weren't invited to a family party then talk to your brother and sister in law (or ask your husband to) but surely it's better to ensure your upset isn't transferring to your children rather than asking grandparents to not take your step daughter places.

CMamaof4 · 17/04/2017 08:49

Yanbu they only had to work with different dates doesnt need to be a big deal for them.

diddl · 17/04/2017 09:05

So what was it-a family party or a party for a young child to which it's GPs were invited & happened to take your daughter as she was staying with them at the time?

ShiroiKoibito · 17/04/2017 09:33

"Dh, DS and I were not invited. Fine, except DSD came home upset cos she was expecting to see us at this family party and where were we?
We explained we werent invited and agreed that in future, we'd ask MiL not to take only DSD to a family event but to include DS also.

So this years visit came up today and I politely asked them to not take DSD to a family event alone as we are a family and it had upset DSD last year"

they didnt take her alone, they were with her, they are her family too.

I did a search on your user name to see if you had posted about how old your DSD was, but found this
"Long story short: DH's brother and his wife are snotty buggers who ignore/avoid us. They go out of their way not to see us (we dont know why, we havent done anything we're aware of).
MiL likes to play favourites with them and knows why they dont like us but claims innocence. We just ignore it and try to be nice but when we're never invited to family things and MiL is constantly looking after their DC but not bothering with ours, it does grate. "

so its not just this one event - they're total a pain in your behind. There is a huge back story, and its not just about a family party is it?

I think if you are going to allow her to stay with GPs then you have to let them do family things with her, and just let DSD know that its ok to do things with different parts of the family and not to get upset about it.

KateDaniels2 · 17/04/2017 09:38

I think if you are going to allow her to stay with GPs then you have to let them do family things with her,

Its not really upto the Op to let her husbands daughter stay with his parents.

SomethingBorrowed · 17/04/2017 09:45

How old is your DS?

Overall I think YABU, it is not as if they did throw HER a party and didn't include you/her DB. It was a party the GP were invited to and not you, they took DSD who was staying with them - normal.

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