Break things off with New Boyfriend after our date?

[NCFTP1]

WARNING LONG POST!! (and slightly personal)

So, I recently started seeing someone, I am currently pregnant with my ex's baby, but that ended a long time ago as he started drinking excessively and becoming physically abusive (this only started after I got pregnant). Anyway..

We wen't out yesterday for our normal date/day, And before we even made it to lunch, He had already drunk 3 (alcoholic) drinks and already slightly drunk (He hadn't eaten all day) and tried to get all Touchy. I wouldn't have minded, but things like trying to stick his hand down my trousers in a fully packed restaurant in front of people made me uncomfortable. I told him this, and he wouldn't stop.

Admittedly, The night before we are talking quite rudely :$ but I made clear to him nothing would happen the next day due to the fact we were going to be in public and I'm not comfortable with being sexual in public.. plus I'm 8 months pregnant.. and even though we talk rude sometimes, He knows full well im not ready for physical stuff at the moment, Something he says he understands and will wait for. Yes, I was beginning to feel comfortable with the idea of sex with him, but now I have just lost all trust.

During dinner he would ''playfully'' (to him, but not me) dig his nails into my hand or bite my fingers to the point of really hurting me and then made a comment about ''How can I be submissive during sex if I couldn't handle him being dominant''. It's a completely different situation.

We decided to go for a walk and ended up in another pub where he had another 4 drinks. But this time, he was slurring words, Walking into doors.. he was drunk, But whenever I tried to say ''We should call it a day..(even though it was only 4 o'clock in the afternoon and we only met up at 12.30pm) He would tell me to stop making comments about him drinking because it made him feel bad. This was all just putting me in a bad place as it was like being with my ex again.

Nether the less, I didn't stand up and leave.. mainly because i'd have felt bad leaving him there like that.

Soon the conversation turned into ''I think we should get a hotel next week''. I tried to shrug the conversation off as it wasn't the time nor place, It turned into him TELLING me that once my son was born, I should go on birth control because he didn't want kids. I explained that I couldn't take the pill (as I tried before and it didn't react well to my body) and the idea of the implant or coil wasn't something I liked.. But said I'd think about it. He just continued to pressure me, Until I just shut down and stopped talking until he got the message and dropped it.

He decided to miss his bus and stay longer, Which I didn't like because it meant he had to spend a ton of money on taxi's to get home.. and I just wanted to go home at this point. We went for a walk, hoping that maybe we could just .. be normal for a bit, But then he suggested another pub. I completely shut down the idea (though he wouldnt stop suggesting it) and we went and sat down by the river.

Thats when things just got to much for me. He kept asking me to put my hand down his trousers and touch him, I kept saying no, He tried to force my hand and I pulled away. He started getting a little too rough and hurting me (By grabbing my hands or gripping my chin for kisses). When we were sat down, Despite me saying No, Stop, He shoved his hand down my trousers.

He started asking for ''proper'' kisses, which were kissing with tongue, Not something I've ever liked, and again, I said no. I didn't want to and just from kissing his lips, I could smell and taste the alcohol, At which point, He grabbed my face and tried to force his tongue into my mouth, I pushed him away but he wouldn't stop, eventually, I had to scream for him to stop, and he did. I started crying and he apologized and told me not to shout ''Stop or No'' because we were in public and people were looking. I felt completely unsafe.

After that I was pretty cold towards him while he kept saying sorry and I walked back to my bus to go home. He came with because he didn't want me to walk alone. I couldn't stop him, So I just ignored him.

He DID say how because he bought me an Easter egg, He deserved what he wanted and I shouldn't talk rude with him, if when we meet I wasn't going to do anything (though what we spoke about the night before had nothing to do with being anything when we met) . He made me feel like it was my fault and I was a tease or something, Which, Is playing on my mind. I just feel that... Even if we did talk a certain way the night before, Should It mean I should put up with that he did? Is it my fault? Was he this way simply because he had to much to drink?

To make it all worse, When I got home, My mum told me that our family dog had passed away while I was out, I was completely crushed, and I messaged him (IDK way, Maybe for someone to talk to) ... He has yet to reply. I messaged him again this morning and said we shouldn't be together anymore.

AIBU? Am I to blame for what happened? :'(

Ok this guy is disgusting and you need to stay away from him.

Your post is alarming though as you shouldn't have been in this position and after it happened you shouldn't be questioning of its ok when it very clearly isn't.

Are you quite young? Where did you meet this guy? Have you ever been in a healthy relationship?

To be honest I would forget about dating for a while. You are going to have a baby in a matter of weeks and you won't have time for dating.

Take care of yourself

Shoving his hand down your pants when you've said no is sexual assault.

He's dangerous! Please stay far far away from him.

He thinks buying you an Easter egg means he gets want he wants? Dump him for that red flag alone. His behaviour is disgusting. Block him. Don't see him again. You owe him nothing.

This is just awful to read. No, you didn't do anything wrong. No, you don't owe him anything. He's an absolutely class A nasty piece of work. Get the hell away from him as fast as you can and don't look back.
Enjoy the soon to be birth of your child and the start of a new life.

Everything about him is horrendous and even if there weren't a million other red flags, and basic sexual assault, the fact the he "didn't want kids" and yet is dating someone 8 months pregnant would be enough for me.

Block his number, block his email, block him on Facebook. Concentrate on your pregnancy and being a mum soon. This man is an abusive prick with a drink problem, don't feel you owe him anything.

Sorry to hear about your dog, that's really sad. Condolences.

Yes, you did the right thing. Please do not see him again. He is abusive and this will be a horrid relationship.

You've just lost your dog (sorry to hear that) and will have a new baby shortly. Look after yourself and surround yourself with people who genuinely care about you.

Best of luck.

You need to ask?

Run, block all his numbers and don't look back.

Thank you everyone who has replied, I've sat and read them all, Some comments hit home a little but i thank everyone for everything they have said. all of you have said the same thing, and made me for sure realize that I am NOT going to see him again.

I just turned 22 and he is 24 for those wondering how old I am. Yes, I have been in abusive relationships before, and my baby's father was physically abusive and a drunk (only after i got pregnant).

The only reason why I was asking if it was my fault is because.. besides him saying it was, The fact he made comments about being submissive sexually made me feel like that was his justification. No matter what I like privately, Its not how I want to be treated in public, specially after I've said no and tried to push him away.

Yes, I know, stupid me to texting him afterwards, I dont know why I did, but Im glad he showed no interest or replied because it shows he clearly didn't care anyway.

He doesn't hate kids, he just doesn't want any himself atm.

I'm not going to be seeing him again, Thank you all so much for taking your time to comment to me, it honestly means alot x

What a dick, please don't see him again OP.

Protect yourself and your baby, he sounds like a nightmare.

You should dump him after the first bit in the restaurant when he didn't stop putting his hand down your trousers. That disrespect would have been it for me. Putting up with the rest is just unimaginable for me. And to think you are still questioning if you are right to finish things is very worrying. You have no boundaries at all.

Please do a lot of reading about healthy relationships. If possible get counselling. Unless you learn about healthy relationships you will get yourself out if the frying pan into the fire with your next relationship. And the next one might be cleverer and not show his hand so soon. You are the ideal candidate to grind down so much that you'll put up with any abuse and eventually you'll have no confidence to get your self out at all.

At least you recognise now that you need to get rid of this one. Next man dump at the much earlier red flags. You should have stopped the date after the restaurant.

Please get help for the future.

Please dump him, he sounds dangerous. To show his true colours this early on, he can only get worse! If people weren't around when you were shouting and crying, would he have stopped? If you carry on seeing him, how much do you think your head will get messed up if he makes you doubt yourself and blame yourself, if he chips away at your self worth and sanity? Do you want this person around your baby when they're born? He is a nasty piece of work, and of course you didn't owe him anything. Even if you had planned to DTD on your date and changed your mind, you are allowed to! He shouldn't try to force himself on you, ever, and you should never be made to feel bad because you said no. You should read up on consent, it might help. I'm so sorry this has happened to you, and about your dog. Sending you strength x

thank you for the comments about our dog x

And also, I wasn't looking to date, He was a friend that was there for me and it just turned into dating after a little while. I took a chance and it backfired in my face :(. I'm definitely not going to be dating any time soon!

Omg you owe other people nothing. You shouldnt feel the need to stay because you leaving will make them feel bad. Why oh why do we continue to show consideration for other people's feelings when they show no regard for ours?

Are you in a Dom/sub relationship, or is he trying to force that kind of relationship upon you?

Either way, run. He's trying to sexually assault you in public. He inflicts pain upon you in public. Says a lot about how he's likely to ramp up the abuse in private, don't you think?

You are pregnant and vulnerable and he's preying on that.

Run.

You are going to be responsible for a child. You need to grow up. Anyone who behaves like he does shouldn't be anywhere near you - or your child.

Honestly I despair. You do not need a "boyfriend" right now. And any man who behaves like that is to be avoided. And sort the contraception. Saying that you can't take the pill while sleeping with men who do not use condoms and are alcoholic abusers is asking for trouble.

Guy sounds like a prized prick.

Take yourself & your baby & get well away.

He isn't putting you first.

Even if you had given him mixed messages, and that's the only possible thing I can think of, it's still fine for you to say no when it goes too far for you.

Even if you'd promised him a full on bondage session, it's still ok to then say no.

A kind and respectful man would be fine with that.

Well, wouldn't you?

"Am I to blame for what happened? :'("
Absolutely not. It was all him. Oh, and it was not the drink - all that did was reduce his ability to hide his true self behind the mask he normally wears. You saw the real him.

"Nether the less, I didn't stand up and leave.. mainly because i'd have felt bad leaving him there like that."
Right, this is what you have to work on - you prioritised 'him feeling bad' over 'you feeling safe'. NEVER do that again! You are the most important person in your life, and when your gut or your common sense or your discomfort tells you to get out of a situation - LEAVE. Right away.

A couple of other things sprang out to me.

First, timings. You are eight months pregnant, your ex became abusive when you got pregnant so you split, I'm guessing around six months ago - yet you describe that as a long time ago. No, that is not a long time. I would expect your emotions to still be all over the place from the split, plus pregnancy hormones - you are rushing yourself. Give yourself some time. Be kind to yourself. You need to slow things down.

Secondly, this arsewipe's motivations. You have 'recently' started seeing someone, so you'd be visibly pregnant when you met him. I agree with Birdsgottaf1y - "I think that you are a fetish interest to him". He's not dating you, the person - he's dating you, the pregnant female. His sexualised behaviour in public - yuk. His behaviour is abusive. Just because it's a different flavour of abuse from your ex's, doesn't make it any less abusive. Get him out of your life, and keep him out.

You need to take your time and concentrate on yourself and your child. Put dating on the back-burner for now, you have bigger fish to fry. Your self-esteem definitely needs work. I expect your ex severely damaged it, and this recent arsewipe has probably chipped away at it too. You're living with your parents, do you get on OK? Are they supportive? Do you have supportive friends?

You sound very young, you shouldn't need to ask if you should leave this man is abusive. What is concerning is your lack of willingness to take appropriate contraception please don't make excuses there's plenty of forms out there. You already going to have a baby with one abusive man plus don't allow yourself the same mistake you sound extremely vulnerable have you considered counselling?

Run. Run fast. Drop him like a fucking stone. Do not spend another second with someone who has assaulted you.

I would be very concerned about what someone who enjoys hurting you in public (biting etc as well as forcing kisses and touching) would do in private. Especially as you are pregnant - it's not just you at risk here.

My dd is 5 months. I had to have some stitches, and was sore after birth but not in agony (so could have been worse). Sex after a couple of months actively hurt. Even now it isn't really enjoyable and we only try on occasion to see how it's improved, if at all. There is no way i can see him being at all considerate of your healing, so i would quite frankly be scared of continuing to see him for that reason alone.

Also, how will he behave towards a newborn that will interfere with what he wants to do - sleep / go out together / get pissed with you / have sex etc etc etc. I would be concerned for the babies safety. Genuinely, i'm not being dramatic here.

So sorry to hear about your dog. We lost our cat just before xmas and it was devastating.

I never once said we didn't use condoms in my previous relationship! So please don't just assume. I also stated the alcohol and abusive started AFTER I got pregnant.

Sorry if this next bit is TMI, no, it wasn't a Dom/Sub relationship, And he wasn't trying to force one. Yes, I do in private enjoy that sort of relationship, but we hadn't been having sex, or discussed it in much detail, Like I said I think making the comment about being submissive was him trying to make the fact what he was doing was ok.. But I don't know.

In the nicest possible way, I think you'd be best to stay single for a while. For some reason you are attracting the wrong kind of man. And when they show you who they really are, you're not protecting yourself properly right away. I do appreciate protecting yourself and having the confidence to stand up for yourself and your beliefs often comes with age so it's something you still need to learn. You're still pretty young.

Well done for recognising this man for the wanker that he is. When you are a mum, you will understand just how protective parents feel about their kids. You also equally need to protect yourself from this kind of man as well. You're worth far more than what this man was offering.

Any form of bdsm is based on consent, you did not consent to that. Plus it drags other people into it that may possibly witness him groping you in public. They also did not consent to that. It's an excuse for him and you're well rid.

Well done OP for making the right decision here.
You broke it off with him and when you wavered, you came here for backup.
I hope you get through the next few days ok and then can really start looking forward to your baby, with only the right people around you.

Condoms do fail and if there's other forms to safeguard you then all the better. I agree you need to concentrate on yourself and your unborn child it isn't long before leaving one abusive relationship to go to another.