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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be friends with this woman because of her partner?

48 replies

Newishusername · 15/04/2017 18:30

My best friend has recently introduced me to one of her other close friends who I didn't know previously. Everything was ok at first, she's nice enough - until I found out that she's dating (knowingly) someone who has been convicted of sexual offences. I'm not going to say what exactly just that it wasn't physical, just involved being a fucking massive pervert.

Since I've found this out I don't want to be friends with her anymore. It makes me feel sick that she could date this man knowing that he's done this stuff multiple times. My best friend is also uncomfortable but seems to be able to 'let it go'. She would be hurt if I actively excluded her friend from things. This has all come to a head because I'm organising an event and she naturally wants to bring her partner..

AIBU? On the one hand I think I'm being reasonable but then again I suppose people will argue he's atoned etc.

OP posts:
StillDrivingMeBonkers · 15/04/2017 18:32

I would step back - but - she might need you one day when this goes pear shaped - don't shut the door on her completely.

MrsMeeseeks · 15/04/2017 18:33

YANBU YANBU YANBU

AlpacaLypse · 15/04/2017 18:33

I have a friend whose partner totally creeps me out. I only invite her to our regular Ladies That Dine evenings, which is also ticks the boxes of meaning single friends feel included and married ones can rely on a husband to babysit or come and get them afterwards.

Asmoto · 15/04/2017 18:35

I think it's your choice whom you associate with, and if what this man's done is beyond the pale for you, that should be respected. I don't think you can expect your new friend to accept that, though, and it's equally to be respected if her view is that she and her boyfriend come as a package.

It's going to be difficult for your best friend if she's caught in the middle of this - I think you'll have to be honest with her about how you feel and hope she understands your reasoning - and don't judge her if she chooses to stay friends with the other woman.

TheStoic · 15/04/2017 18:36

She can choose to ignore what he's done and who he is. She can't expect everyone else to.

I wouldn't spend 5 minutes with him.

Brokejoke · 15/04/2017 18:37

Have you already invited her to this event? She's your friend's friend not yours so you wouldn't have to invite her if you haven't. You can always make up a lie about not having the budget for extra people or something if you don't want to say why.

Original poster
Newishusername · 15/04/2017 18:37

@Asmoto absolutely, I don't hold anything against my best friend for being friends with this woman still, that isn't anything to do with me

However I do hope she doesn't think I'm being an oversensitive cow.

OP posts:
Brokejoke · 15/04/2017 18:38

I wouldn't want to be around him if I knew about what he'd done. I would only invite her to women-only nights out and stuff.

Batgirlspants · 15/04/2017 18:39

Well I wouldn't want him near me or mine so no I wouldn't be friends with his partner. No way. Your friend can choose to ignore this and you can equally choose not to.

He could be dangerous so steer well clear.

Batgirlspants · 15/04/2017 18:40

Well I wouldn't want him near me or mine so no I wouldn't be friends with his partner. No way. Your friend can choose to ignore this and you can equally choose not to.

He could be dangerous so steer well clear.

PinkHeartLovesPink · 15/04/2017 18:40

Your an adult you don't have to be friends with anyone you don't want.

Without knowing the full facts it's difficult to say what is going on in your friends mind, but it's her choice to make and she can accept whatever has been done by him if she wishes.

I'd just be honest and say "I'll meet you as long as x isn't coming as he make me uncomfortable"

Original poster
Newishusername · 15/04/2017 18:42

With reference to inviting her to women only nights out - do you think AIBU that I don't really want to do that either?

Not saying he should never have a girlfriend but I don't really have much respect for a woman who knowingly dates a sex offender.

OP posts:
SarcasmMode · 15/04/2017 18:47

YANBU.

It's OK to not want to be friends with someone if you see their or their partners actions as morally dubious.

Explain to your friend why. Surely if she's a good friend she'll understand. Maybe she will think you are being over sensitive (no idea why she would though) even still she should respect that choice.

Batgirlspants · 15/04/2017 18:50

No I wouldn't respect her either op think you are quite right. Sometimes you have to stick by your standards and fuck the rest of them.

SmileEachDay · 15/04/2017 18:50

How do you know exactly what he has done? How did that information come your way?

CookieLady · 15/04/2017 18:52

If she's your best friend surely you can talk to her about it. You don't have to invite this other friend.

Original poster
Newishusername · 15/04/2017 18:55

@SmileEachDay my best friend found out about it first and then told me.

Some mutual friend of theirs showed her newspaper articles with his name and pictures in, reports of the trial and sentencing

OP posts:
SmileEachDay · 15/04/2017 18:59

So at the point your bf told you did you say "I'm really uncomfortable about this, I'd rather not have anything to do with him"

Original poster
Newishusername · 15/04/2017 19:05

@SmileEachDay We had a brief chat about it and she is uncomfortable, but she feels a sort of loyalty to her friend and is ignoring it basically. So obviously not as bothered as me.

OP posts:
SmileEachDay · 15/04/2017 19:08

So she knows you're bothered. So talk to her again.

It's not the girlfriend's fault, incidentally. People stay in all sorts of difficult and unpleasant situations for all sorts of reasons.

itsmine · 15/04/2017 19:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Newishusername · 15/04/2017 19:19

@Itsmine I have met her? Multiple times..

OP posts:
GloriaGilbert · 15/04/2017 19:20

Without courting drama or making too much of it, I'd just keep my distance.

I don't think you need to avoid a larger group that includes her, by the way.

itsmine · 15/04/2017 19:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

QuintessentialShadow · 15/04/2017 19:28

Dont invite her to the event.

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