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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not be friends with this woman because of her partner?

48 replies

Newishusername · 15/04/2017 18:30

My best friend has recently introduced me to one of her other close friends who I didn't know previously. Everything was ok at first, she's nice enough - until I found out that she's dating (knowingly) someone who has been convicted of sexual offences. I'm not going to say what exactly just that it wasn't physical, just involved being a fucking massive pervert.

Since I've found this out I don't want to be friends with her anymore. It makes me feel sick that she could date this man knowing that he's done this stuff multiple times. My best friend is also uncomfortable but seems to be able to 'let it go'. She would be hurt if I actively excluded her friend from things. This has all come to a head because I'm organising an event and she naturally wants to bring her partner..

AIBU? On the one hand I think I'm being reasonable but then again I suppose people will argue he's atoned etc.

OP posts:

Original poster

Newishusername · 15/04/2017 19:30

@itsmine I just meant to get across that she's a recently acquired friend

OP posts:

GloriaGilbert · 15/04/2017 19:32

Would your BF always seek to include her on nights out that you arrange? This strikes me as odd.

Pansiesandredrosesandmarigolds · 15/04/2017 19:34

Oh God. I don't know. My instinct would be to draw away - but if he's served his time and is remorseful then the moral issues are complicated.

Livelovebehappy · 15/04/2017 19:34

TBH if she is with someone like this, it would also say a lot about her as a person, so I wouldn't want to be friends with someone who clearly thinks his behaviour is/was okay. I have friends who have other friends separate to me, and don't feel the need for us to all mix and meet, so I guess you don't need to have her friend as one of your close friends. And you shouldn't need to explain yourself to your friend either.

GloriaGilbert · 15/04/2017 19:39

TBH if she is with someone like this, it would also say a lot about her as a person, so I wouldn't want to be friends with someone who clearly thinks his behaviour is/was okay.

I'm sure it's true that most people find sex offenders creepy as fuck, but bear in mind the fellow in question is 3 people removed from the OP. We can't know what everyone's reasoning is or what the circumstances are.

She doesn't have to approve of or agree with everything her friend does, they're two different people.

Goldfishjane · 15/04/2017 19:39

Yanbu
I wouldn't want to mix with her at all either.
If your friend is a real friend to you I think she'll understand.

TheMysteriousJackelope · 15/04/2017 19:42

YANBU. If you find someone despicable and if you have a complete lack of respect for their partner of course you can't be friends with them.

The most straightforward thing to do would be to tell your best friend that her friend's partner gives you the galloping creeps and you can't be around him, and as a concatenation you can't be around her as you know she wouldn't want to hang out with someone who thinks her boyfriend is a massive pervert.

TyrionLannisterforKing · 15/04/2017 19:45

If you aren't close friends, surely it wouldn't be that weird for her not to be invited?

Your friend may be hurt, but you mention she feels similarly to you, so hopefully it wouldn't break your friendship apart (and if it does, she isn't a friend worth having).

BoneyBackJefferson · 15/04/2017 19:54

The first thing that I would do is find out for myself and not rely on second hand (possibly third hand) information.

If it is in the papers it should be easy to source.

Original poster

Newishusername · 15/04/2017 19:58

@BoneyBackJefferson - I've read the articles.

OP posts:

BoneyBackJefferson · 15/04/2017 20:01

Just making sure that you are able to mke an informed decision.

itsmine · 15/04/2017 20:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HopelesslydevotedtoGu · 15/04/2017 20:18

It's OK to not be friends with someone for moral reasons. In fact, for severe stuff I think it's a good stance to have. Depending on the severity of what he did, I might also want to avoid his girlfriend. I'm not clear exactly what you mean, apologies if I've misunderstood, but for offences against children I wouldn't want anything to do with either of them. In that case I'd politely tell my friend that I'd rather not be invited to any events they are going to, but you hope you can carry on a friendship with your close friend separately. Your close friend may be wondering what to do too. I think there is quite a strong social pressure to be "nice". It's OK to have boundaries about who you want to associate with.

Original poster

Newishusername · 15/04/2017 22:13

@HopelesslydevotedtoGu No the offences weren't against children, thank god for small mercies.

For clarity reasons I'll say it involved voyeur offences. Don't want to say any more as I don't want anyone googling the articles.

OP posts:

SmileEachDay · 15/04/2017 22:17

Don't you, OP?

I'm not convinced about that.

Mrsknackered · 15/04/2017 22:19

YANBU. Who on earth continues to date someone knowing that stuff?

Original poster

Newishusername · 15/04/2017 22:25

@SmileEachDay absolutely not thats why I haven't said what area of the country, what year or anything. And I've name changed.

Only clarified because evidently some people were thinking he was a child abuser.

OP posts:

TheJiminyConjecture · 15/04/2017 22:30

I was in a very similar situation once. The friend of a friend had a boyfriend who was in prison for gang rape. They were having an event for his release. I couldn't bear the thought of being near him so distanced myself from the whole situation. Sadly I lost contact with my original friend because of this but I just didn't want to want to be involved with any of it. We never fell out, I just stopped being invited to things and we drifted apart.

JaneEyre70 · 15/04/2017 22:34

I think given that she's a friend of a friend and not your actual direct friend, it's perfectly ok to cut all contact. If your BF doesn't understand that and takes offence, that's up to her. How do you form a relationship with someone that has a conviction for a sexual offence??! Weird. Stay well away.

Freyanna · 15/04/2017 22:37

Yanbu. I don't meet any of my friend's friend's, and have never expected to. You are entitled to your opinion, I would be the same as you.

Original poster

Newishusername · 15/04/2017 22:49

@TheJiminyConjecture that's hideous

I think im going to just politely decline invites to hang around with her, and if my best friend asks why I'll tell her. Although I think she'll work it out on her own tbh.

OP posts:

hellejuice91 · 15/04/2017 22:52

It is definitely your choice who you choose to spend your time with.

Maybe just explain there is no space do her partner at the event - perhaps you have already overbooked?

Then just arrange for ladies nights.

I might be tempted to find out a little more about what happened.

emmyrose2000 · 15/04/2017 23:00

YANBU

I wouldn't want anything to do with either him or his girlfriend. Clearly the gf isn't someone who is capable of making good decisions if she's associating with/dating someone like that. It'd make me wonder what other errors in judgement she'd make.

I'd also be distancing myself from my best friend, at least until/if she stops hanging around with the new friend. If she wants to be involved with people like that then that's her call. But I wouldn't want any ties to the sorts of people she currently thinks are okay to be around.

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