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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have another baby

85 replies

chocolatesavedmysanity · 15/04/2017 12:17

I've NC'd as this will be identifying.
I'm just looking for some MN wisdom / tales of experience/ opinions on this.

DH and I have 2 DC's. Both super kids, very healthy etc. We have a lot to be grateful for. We have a good strong marriage (not perfect, but who's is?) and a great support network.

I am really yearning for a third child. DH would love one too but there are practicalities in the way. What would you do?

We both work FT. I have flexible hours so can work around the kids and have a really understanding boss. Both sets of grandparents provide childcare, using a crèche just one day a week. So each gp have the dc's just 2 days a week each. They are all around 60 and fit and healthy at this stage. If I have another kid it will add to their workload. Dropping a few hours in work and upping daycare is also an option.

DH and I are 35 so would need to move soon.

Kids are 6 and 2 and we find it hard work at times.. equally I understand this stage won't last forever!

Aibu? Thoughts and experiences please on life with 3!

OP posts:
motherofdaemons · 15/04/2017 13:38

Just be aware, we went for a 3rd and ended up with twins. The chances of multiples increases with your age and number of kids. Could you cope if this happened to you? 2 sets of nursery fees, had to buy a 7 seater car, holidays costing a fortune for ever more. I wouldn't change it, but my god we've made life hard for ourselves!

opinionatedfreak · 15/04/2017 13:38

I would caution thinking carefully (sounds like you are).

One of my friends who isn't great with small children has just had a third, she is needing huge input from her mother, step-mother and MIL just to keep afloat. One or other of them is at the House most days while her husband is at work.

Her Mother told me the last time we met that it was all becoming a bit much but she didn't know how to extricate herself. She is still working and has an older husband in poor health for whom she is main carer.

I also know my friends big sister and know that she is pissed off that her younger sisters childcare demands means her kids hardly see their grandmother. I don't know the MIl/ step mother well enough to know what they feel.

Quite frankly. I'm judging my friend (and it is affecting our friendship, she no doubt feels I'm being unsupportive). This was all pretty predictable based on her past performance and I think she has been a selfish to foist this on the wider family.

I'm not anti three children, I'm one of three and I have other friends who cope brilliantly (they were SAHM though during the early years) I just think you need to be realistic about the external help you will be asking for and the impact it will have those you ask for it from.

Guiltypleasures001 · 15/04/2017 13:40

My take on it is, if you have a sweet set up and good standard of life now, what happens if life throws you a curve ball and the next child is not healthy and has additional needs? I say this from experience.

Floggingmolly · 15/04/2017 13:43

The phrase if I have another kid it will add to their workload re. the grandparents would make me say a definite no.
Why do you presume they're happy to take on the care of any extra child never mind the fact that it'll be a newborn so starting again from scratch?
Maybe they had plans for when your existing children go to school?
It's all a little presumptuous when you're talking about imposing further on someone else's time, tbh. You can't make the decision for all of you.

JaxingJump · 15/04/2017 13:48

Just to warn you both my mother and MIL who are fit and healthy, in their 60's, very involved in our lives turned around and said they were able for two but not the responsibility of 3 and I lost the free childcare I had one day a week. We had a fab nanny who took the additional day and can afford it so no problem. But there is a massive difference in 2 and 3 children in terms of stress and workload. You might lose all your free childcare because if the third.

Chillywhippet · 15/04/2017 14:00

OP if you want a more cheerful view of how to make things work, have a look on the larger families board in the being a parent area. Of course they are biased towards larger families there Grin

There are lots of "should I have a 3rd" threads for you to look at.

Headofthehive55 · 15/04/2017 14:01

Three is more work for GP and I have known many friends parents only take two or one at a time never three.
School holidays are always an issue and Inset days.

WhooooAmI24601 · 15/04/2017 14:08

We relied heavily on GP's when ours were young so that I could continue to work (DH works abroad often so isn't consistently available, I teach so it fits well around the DCs now they're 11 and 6). We actively decided not to try for a third child til DS2 was older because of the strain it could put onto our extended family; we're very aware how fortunate we are that they're available to us.

However, last year I became unwell and had to go through a couple of rounds of surgery and am now unable to have any more DC. We naively assumed we'd try again at some point and now the choice has been totally taken away and when I think too hard about it, it hurts because I'd have loved another DC. You can sometimes spend so long assuming you'll have tomorrow to do something and it's only when tomorrow comes you realise you've left it a little too late. We're incredibly fortunate to have the DCs we have and I refuse to let it make me unhappy. But if I had my time over I'd have tried for another one sooner.

CarSeeker · 15/04/2017 14:13

I second Guilty's question: obviously, if No 3 has additional needs, you'd cope, because that's what parents do - but have you thought about how you would do this on top of your current set up, and the impact it might have on existing DC?

CherriesInTheSnow · 15/04/2017 14:17

I would try posting this in somewhere other than AIBU :)

Also, I don't think anyone should be commenting so viciously about how unfair it is for the GPS to be looking after the DC. My mum would love to look after my DC, she even submitted a request for voluntary redundancy in an attempt to do so. So just because in your view or with your family dynamic it wouldn't be acceptable, doesn't mean to say that other family setups are genuinely happy and willing to help with childcare.

OP, I think if you want to have another DC and your family are comfortable, then it's fine. It's not like they will be looking after a newborn - you will have a year off yourself, and if you are planning to wait a couple of years then surely your other DC will be starting school or approaching it. It's only a few short years that each child is under 5, so I wouldn't base the whole decision to have a child based on the early years.

I only have one but have number two on the way. Am planning to stop there, but like you it will also depend on whether the family feels complete. Good luck Halo

Original poster
chocolatesavedmysanity · 15/04/2017 14:44

Thanks everyone and thanks Cherries
Yes I know for some people gp care isn't possible or they wouldn't ask for whatever reason. In my family it's the opposite. My aunt and my mother regularly 'fall out' (light hearted) because it is the other's turn to have the kids.. I have people falling over themselves to take them. It was the same when we were babies, both my grandmothers were competitive about who had my brother and I!!! This may seem strange to some but it's how we work, and my DH family are the same.
Yes the younger years are short.. I'm giving us 18-24 months to make the decision.. a lot could happen in that time.
I suppose I posted here for traffic and the brutal honesty you only get in aibu!
Thanks everyone.. I really appreciate your input Flowers

OP posts:
FreddieFlowerdew · 15/04/2017 15:41

I think it would be very selfish to have a third in your position imo.

KateDaniels2 · 15/04/2017 16:25

There is loads to consider.

Firstly i think it is the GPs business if they are having their own workload added to. Dbro and sil mentioned and third and my mum was devestated. She was exhausted looking after their 2 under 3. She didnt complain because she coilf cope but only just and desperately wanted to help then out.

Dbro gave up work to be a sahd and they are ttc at the moment.

Also there is illness and aging etc.

I have to say if you can afford full time childcare, after school clubs, cleaner etc....then it does sound like you and/or dh could afford to cut down on work.

The main thing though....lets say you have No.3. How do you know you will feel complete? How do you know you wont want more? What if yii have No. 3, GPs decide they need to cut back on hekping yii out and you STILL feel like you do now?

Chillywhippet · 15/04/2017 16:25

MIL was most put out when we announced dc4 was on the way. She thought it wasn't "fair" on DH. Hmm

Of course she worships dc4 now who is her youngest gc and lovely.

She did keep saying DH should have the snip. When he said he'd rather have a 5th than a vasectomy she went out of her way to tell me I could get the morning after pill if DH made a mistake.

Good luck with your decision making

haveacupoftea · 15/04/2017 16:41

My grandmother has to look after my aunt and uncles young kids. She feels like she can't say no but often confides in me how tired she is and she so wishes her life was her own again, but being such a good person she won't turn them away. My aunt informed me a few weeks ago how DBM just loves looking after the kids 3 days a week! How mistaken can you get?

haveacupoftea · 15/04/2017 16:42

DGM I meant of course

Buttercupsandaisies · 15/04/2017 16:48

I'd go for it

Only on mumsnet would having GP support be so negative. Both our families love helping out with our kids as do the rest of the extended family. We all help each other out. Not all families consider it a chore - some gps actually like looking after their grandkids!

sailawaywithme · 15/04/2017 16:52

I'm really surprised by the tone of some of these responses. OP, I have three and only wish I could have had four! If your parents are happy to do childcare and you can pay a childcare professional if they don't want to take care of all three then why would you not have a third? I envy you the close family relationships that you obviously have. It's becoming less common and I wonder if there's an element of envy in some of these responses. Good luck!

Mummamayhem · 15/04/2017 16:56

I agonised as to whether or not to have a third. We've been trying for 6 months and it's not happening. I've accepted that it probably won't happen as I don't want a huge age gap (or spend more time desperately hoping each month) but if you want to have a 3rd just go for it. You have a very enviable set up.

TittyGolightly · 15/04/2017 16:57

I'm not envious. My parents have our DD when they want to. We never wanted them to feel obliged in any way.

My inlaws though have childcare "duties" - including overnights - for 6 other grandchildren. They are knackered, have very little time for themselves and darent take holidays because of "the trouble it would cause". One family take them on holiday with them because it means they get lots of childfree time. It's just not fair. My mum looks 10 years younger than her age while my mother in law looks about 80 at 65.

Mummamayhem · 15/04/2017 16:58

I don't ask anything of my parents or in laws either but OP says her family are desperate to help out. I'm definitely envious of all the support on offer!

Floggingmolly · 15/04/2017 17:01

No envy at all Confused

Chocachoo · 15/04/2017 17:11

I think you should go for it! Why not? Sounds as though the GPs would be happy enough with it, and if the worst case scenario occurs where for whatever reason you can't rely on their help, then you've already said you could manage with full time daycare. I'm sure no family set-up is totally perfect but yours sounds about as good as it's possible to get! Go for it!

Oly5 · 15/04/2017 17:22

Chocolate, in pregnant with my third, also both work FT and couldn't be happier! If your parents want to help out then go for it. The only thing is to bear in mind if things change - can you afford FT childcare! If you finish at 2/3 in the afternoon then you're a hands on mum. All the people saying "there are enough children in the world", I expect you've had none on that basis then have you? Because if you really care about the planet and reaources, you wouldn't have any. I think what these people mean I'd two is enough for THEM. If you want three, go for it

Oly5 · 15/04/2017 17:22

Sorry for typos

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