To have another baby

[chocolatesavedmysanity]

I've NC'd as this will be identifying.
I'm just looking for some MN wisdom / tales of experience/ opinions on this.

DH and I have 2 DC's. Both super kids, very healthy etc. We have a lot to be grateful for. We have a good strong marriage (not perfect, but who's is?) and a great support network.

I am really yearning for a third child. DH would love one too but there are practicalities in the way. What would you do?

We both work FT. I have flexible hours so can work around the kids and have a really understanding boss. Both sets of grandparents provide childcare, using a crèche just one day a week. So each gp have the dc's just 2 days a week each. They are all around 60 and fit and healthy at this stage. If I have another kid it will add to their workload. Dropping a few hours in work and upping daycare is also an option.

DH and I are 35 so would need to move soon.

Kids are 6 and 2 and we find it hard work at times.. equally I understand this stage won't last forever!

Aibu? Thoughts and experiences please on life with 3!

Unicorn that's the plan at this stage I reckon. If it's going to happen I'd like to have the baby at 38 so that gives me 2 years to figure this out and be happy that we are making the right decision.

I can up childcare and reduce my hours to out less on the gp's

Less is still an obligation.

I personally wouldn't seek my family's input into having another baby-I feel that is very much a decision for the 2 people directly involved, taking into consideration the impact on your other DC and other factors involved. I'd make the decision on the basis that the new DC will be in daycare, that way you will not be making it on the assumption of outside help. I presume you will be on maternity leave/shared parental leave, so if your family want to offer childcare for when you go back to work that's up to them, but you will have had the DC on the understanding that you and DH will arrange other childcare. Hope that makes sense!

Lovewine that's a great suggestion thanks!

If you could use FT childcare I would, I would think it very selfish to expect them to have three grandchildren.

They are likely couniting down the days until they have freedom again after two, tying them down for another four years for me is too selfish.

It doesn't seem much extra to you as others are heavily involved, if you had no outside help would you have another? I suspect not.

I was like you OP and longed for a third, just felt our family wasn't complete. We gave it a shot and were lucky enough to have another healthy DC who we all adore. Life is fantastic! Wouldn't change it for the world.

I am/was a SAHM though, and I must admit I am conscious now asking GPs to babysit and tend to split them up if I can, the elder two and then the little one - our GPs are bit older though and readily admit to finding the DC tiring!

Consider your own health during pregnancy/delivery too. I was blasé about it and unfortunately had problems post delivery (everything fine now thankfully, but it was the worst feeling in the world worrying I might leave my children without me because of problems with the birth of #3 - like I'd pushed my luck IYSWIM?)

My sister and I both have 3 neither gps or SIL BIL etc were prepared to have all three together -

Sister and GPnhad all 3 occasionally on a Saturday afternoon - for example so we could go Christmas shopping!

You have to face the reality of what you are asking

First - could you manage if it's just you as DP doing the childcare

Or

Could you manage all three in after school clubs/full time childcare

Oh no ladycatherine! I'm sorry you had a tough time! Was it related to your age? Obviously that's another thing to consider, as I know I'm. O spring chick!

i have 3 children, 2 boys and a girl! 7,4 and 1! we had 2 boys and i alwys wanted 3 and was lucky to have a girl as my last! we have no1 to have our children so we never get any help! we both work and pay nursery and breakfast clubs and my work have let me go term time! we thought hard about having a 3rd as work and house space but you just learn to make the space and to deal with it! i think if your family are truly willing to help then i always thought id regret it in years to come if i never had my 3rd! its bloody hard work! you think going from 1-2 was hard but 2-3 felt like we added another 10kids but its so worth it!x

If both sets of GPs decided to move to Spain for a retirement in the sun would you be able to afford three children? If not, then I wouldn't do it. You are making an assumption that other people will look after your children, which personally I wouldn't do.

Surely two is enough? You are basically going to have another child and get your parents to look after the child, despite the fact they are already doing huge amounts of child care for you already?
A friend of our family has done the same, had 3 dc and the grandparents who are in their late 60s are the ones who are running around, driving everywhere, bending over backwards to look after those children, not the parents.

Things change, just bear that in mind. Your understanding boss might leave the company and be replaced by another not so kind.
Grandparents get ill, I relied on my inlaws for childcare, both early 70's fit and active. Sadly after a 6 month battle with cancer my fil passed away something none of us would have ever guessed just a year before.

You are also making an assumption (and sorry to point this out) that none of them are going to die. My uncle was in outstanding shape - got pancreatic cancer at 62 and was dead in 3 months.

Another uncle was a long distance runner. Dropped dead out on a run at 65!

Sorry to be morbid! But you simply cannot rely on people's perceived good health.

Thanks for all your comments... there is a lot of food for thought!

Yes at a push we could afford full time nursery care / breakfast and afternoon clubs etc.

I do all the running about, including using my lunch hour to get dd from school and bring her to whatever gp she is with that day. I start work at 7am so I can leave at 2 or 3, 4 at the latest so do any additional running around in the afternoons. Plus I always do dinner, bath and bed as well as homeworks. All weekend activities are managed by me and DH. We rarely ask for childcare at weekends. Only if attending a wedding. We take kids out with us socially and spend whatever free time we can with them.
I have a cleaner and an ironing lady to allow me more free time with the kids... I just really want one more in the mix, I just don't feel like I'm done!

X post with cuppa

Oh elspeth!!! I think of this at least once a day! And thank god every day that they are still here.

You would be very selfish and unreasonable to expect your parents to do more. They have done their share but hey you are ' entitled ' to do what you want...

It does sound like you do a lot of running around OP, I apologise for my assumption, in your case. . If you and dh can afford an another child, then it is up to both of you. I have seen too many friends and family use their parents as unpaid Childcare and how exhausting it is for everyone including the dc.

That's ok Carrie.. I know a lot of people who do that also but we literally don't stop! Yes there are times when we are burnt out but to see their wee faces and how happy they are it's all worth it.
Our parents genuinely like having the kids. None of them work, all retired so they are a welcome distraction. Yes there are tough days with teething / toddler tantrums but for the most part they are 'easy' kids to look after. I just feel a real pull on my emotions to have another. It really saddens me to think I'll never hold a newborn again!

Oh I know what feeling very well, but I help out as a Kangroo Mum at our local hospital so I get to cuddle lots of wee ones!

I agree with oyster too.
The world doesn't need more children, and it sounds like you're going be foisting them onto relatives a lot too.
Enjoy the children you have and spend the inevitable small fortune another child would cost on great memories for your current family, and invest in their future.

Oh I didn't know that was a thing!!!! I'll look that up!

Don't assume they'll get on when older!

What happens if you fall regnant with twins? A friend wanted a third and got numbers 3, 4 and 5!

Omg!!!! That happened to a friend of mine also.. I think I'd run and never stop!

Wow, lots of seemingly very jealous posters here with absent grandparents.

Surely all that matters in this situation is what the grandparents think. Are they happy to care for a third? If not, can you afford childcare /reducing your hours?