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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

stuck in the middle

38 replies

chickenjalfrezi · 14/04/2017 22:57

DP and I buying house but due to timing issues need a bridging loan from my Parents. Narrowed it down to 2 houses.

I (reluctantly) asked Parents during the week and offered for them to look at both before they agreed whether or not to help.

I asked Parents if they wanted DP plus DSD to come or not, if not it would be just me and my DD with them. They said prefer just me and DD.

DP is understandably annoyed and FWIW I feel parents should have included him (my mistake for asking what they preferred) but they need to make an important decision and as it's critical to us at the moment I feel we should respect their wishes. So DP and DSD are not coming.

I can understand why DP feels excluded but I understand why parents would prefer to go in a smaller crowd. They don't have a great history, which doesn't help matters.

AIBU to feel under a lot of pressure now regardless of the outcome of parents' decision?!

OP posts:
Birdsgottaf1y · 14/04/2017 23:02

I think that your DP should feel bloody grateful and understand that his presence isn't necessary.

TBH, they shouldn't need to look at the houses, but you can't refuse them.

What's giving you the most stress, just buying a house, or your DP?

loaferloveforyou · 14/04/2017 23:03

I assume your DP would be living there too? If so, does he not deserve a say in where he lives?

My Parents and in-laws both helped us get our foot on the ladder, neither set of parents had a say in the property we bought.

MommaGee · 14/04/2017 23:05

agree not ure why they need to see the house but now it's arranged you can't say no. they should help because they want to / can not because they like the house.

DP needs to accept that he doesn't need to be there - unless of course he thinks DPIL's are gonig to tell you which property you ar allowed to have and as such he gets no say?

ThePinkOcelot · 14/04/2017 23:07

They're going to lend you the money right?! They're not buying you the house? Why should they have a say in which house?

Crunchymum · 14/04/2017 23:08

Who is going to be on the mortgage?

Costacoffeeplease · 14/04/2017 23:12

They're just bridging the money? Then it's fuck all to do with them which house you buy, and I'm amazed your partner is being sidelined in this (assuming it's going to be his house/mortgage too). If I was the partner I'd be fuming

Birdsgottaf1y · 14/04/2017 23:12

It also depends on what the past issues between have been.

Astro55 · 14/04/2017 23:15

Why shouldn't your DP see their reaction to a house I assume he's half buying?

Would you like it if it was MIL?

Original poster
chickenjalfrezi · 14/04/2017 23:19

He and I will both be on the mortgage. It was more of a courtesy offer I made - they're not making a decision - I've not bought before (but DP has) so thought including them was more likely to get what we need.

He knows they are not 'choosing' anything. They know where we stand on both houses in terms of what he and I have decided our max offer would be.

I worded it wrongly I think by saying 'would you like DP there or just me to come?' as it gave them the chance to say no. I understand their rationale though that 4 adults and 2 kids traipsing around seems overkill.

OP posts:
NerrSnerr · 14/04/2017 23:19

Why do they need to see the house if it's a loan? I assume you're not giving them any kind of say in it? I'd be annoyed if I was your partner.

CocoLoco87 · 14/04/2017 23:23

Is it possible to leave both children with someone else and the 4 adults go? FWIW I don't think 4 adults is overkill. Me and DH took DM and DMIL when we looked round a house that we subsequently offered on. It was our first house and we wanted more perspective and also some tips on questions to ask / things to look out for.

Original poster
chickenjalfrezi · 14/04/2017 23:23

It's a bridging loan in the sense that we can afford it but are waiting for some money to come in but like both these houses and need to move quicker than we can.

I have a feeling that parents have gifted DB and DSIL money to buy previously and there's potential for them to offer a gift rather than a loan and they would prefer to discuss that directly to me. I'm not sure though. I've assured DP that he will be involved in any discussions regarding repayments and/or interest and happy to reject parents' offer if they say no to this.

OP posts:
Costacoffeeplease · 14/04/2017 23:28

I'd still be annoyed to be sidelined - it's going to be your partner's house and he's being excluded from the discussion?

Original poster
chickenjalfrezi · 14/04/2017 23:34

Astro55 I think I'd have sent him alone if it was MIL helping! Happy to have her money but not her opinions Grin

Costa he's not 'excluded' from discussions - he's just not going to be there while they look around. To be honest, not sure I want to be either. I also offered, they didn't ask to. So it's my mess to be in I guess. They see this sort of thing (lending ££££) a really important thing so I can see why they want to look and think with less pressure.

It's potentially a lot of money (5 figures) which we will be able to repay but might take up to year so it's not a light decision.

OP posts:
HeddaGarbled · 14/04/2017 23:43

You can get a bridging loan from your bank. We did. It cost £200 in interest for 2 weeks.

I understand that you are appeasing your parents in the hope of a cash gift but I think that would actually make things worse between them and your partner. The two of you need to stand on your own two feet and be independent of your parents, otherwise it's undermining your partner and driving a rift between you.

If your parents want to give you (you, not both of you) money, that should not be linked to this house purchase which is something you are doing as a couple.

Original poster
chickenjalfrezi · 14/04/2017 23:51

Yeah I know Hedda I feel like it's too late and I've messed it up a bit. I'm not very good at handling these situations. DP is annoyed not to come and look but he too would rather appease them so no issues there or potential rift, I just feel bad you know?

Thanks for the advice re the bank loan - will look into that for sure. I'd like not to have to rely on them. We've been briefly estranged at times in the past so always trying to build bridges and I think it's a combination of a big deal for me to ask them for help and a big deal for them in being asked to help!

OP posts:
HeddaGarbled · 15/04/2017 00:08

Bless you Flowers Approach the bank where you have your current account first, rather than google searching cheapest loans etc. You often get a better deal as current account customers, plus you know they are reliable.

I think if the two of you are broadly in agreement, which it sounds like you are, you just need to keep being very honest and open and keep talking. Tell him that you feel bad about it and wish you hadn't given your parents the option of excluding him but can't think of a way of changing it now without making a massive issue out of it. Hopefully, if he feels like you are on his side but trying to be diplomatic, he'll understand that.

dustarr73 · 15/04/2017 00:25

I think you're asking for trouble.You have made it clear your parents are more important.And now by asking their opinion,you have i
Opened a can of worms.

If it was me,I'd ask for the bridging loan and bring my do.

Venusflytwat · 15/04/2017 00:29

I think you're really confused as to what you want out of them.

If it is a bridging loan they shouldn't need to look round at all.

If I was your partner or step daughter I'd feel quite shitty right now.

emmyrose2000 · 15/04/2017 06:08

Your DP is an equal mortgage holder therefore he has equal rights to you. Your parents have zero say in who comes to look at the houses, especially when it comes to the other person named on the mortgage. If they need to speak to you privately there are plenty of other opportunities for that.

I'd be severely pissed off if was your DP and would wonder if this was a sign of things to come. ie. being shafted in favour of other people when it came time to making important decisions.

JustMyLuckUnfortunately · 15/04/2017 07:44

Lots of people take their DPs to see a house before purchase but it's usually once they have made an offer or had it accepted.

I think what you have done is odd unless your DP had already seen the house with you! To have not taken him when it's you two buying it & living in it with DC is odd. You may visit both & not like either.

It's very kind of your DPs to offer a bridging loan but their decision should be based on the repayment agreement & their circumstances not the house

Original poster
chickenjalfrezi · 15/04/2017 07:51

Thanks all for your comments. I've spoken to DP and he's okay with it all. He sees where they're coming from to be honest and he's going to stay with DSD and DD while
I go with the parents to look. Makes it easier for me and he has a 'role' so he's happy with that.

OP posts:
Original poster
chickenjalfrezi · 15/04/2017 07:56

JustMyLuckUnfortunately sorry if I haven't been clear - DP and I have seen both houses, had one offer rejected and have decided together on the next offer and approach thereafter. So he and I are clear and parents are making a decision with whether to help out so I'm happy to see what they think. Not sure I'd handover a chunk of money to our DC in the future without a little due diligence!

OP posts:
Trifleorbust · 15/04/2017 07:57

Has he seen the houses already?

Chillidawg · 15/04/2017 08:08

The only thing that occurs is that if there is potential for them to gift rather than loan the money, then perhaps they would like to mention the possibility of you getting that money legally protected should your relationship break down in the future. That's why they have taken the opportunity to have a nosey round the house without your DP present. Which of course would be to your and your DC advantage.