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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

stuck in the middle

38 replies

chickenjalfrezi · 14/04/2017 22:57

DP and I buying house but due to timing issues need a bridging loan from my Parents. Narrowed it down to 2 houses.

I (reluctantly) asked Parents during the week and offered for them to look at both before they agreed whether or not to help.

I asked Parents if they wanted DP plus DSD to come or not, if not it would be just me and my DD with them. They said prefer just me and DD.

DP is understandably annoyed and FWIW I feel parents should have included him (my mistake for asking what they preferred) but they need to make an important decision and as it's critical to us at the moment I feel we should respect their wishes. So DP and DSD are not coming.

I can understand why DP feels excluded but I understand why parents would prefer to go in a smaller crowd. They don't have a great history, which doesn't help matters.

AIBU to feel under a lot of pressure now regardless of the outcome of parents' decision?!

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Original poster
chickenjalfrezi · 15/04/2017 08:09

Yes I think we Cross posted there trifleorbust

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Original poster
chickenjalfrezi · 15/04/2017 08:13

Chillidawg you see that's what I suspected too and why I haven't gone back to challenge them on 'excluding' him. It definitely works in mine and DC's favour but also DP's too in a way longer term. He has no issues with us both legally protecting our initial 'contributions' thankfully.

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Tinkerbec · 15/04/2017 08:33

I think I would be annoyed as younare supposed to be a family. This is causing segregation from that get go.

However I do understand that they would want to see the house in a smaller group. To be honest you and your partner and without the children or even just you would have felt better.
I get his point but it's done now. Stillnot a nice feeling to feel like you are not part of the family.

princessconsuelobananahammock · 15/04/2017 08:34

I don't think it's an issue really - they're just looking at a potential house with their daughter. Isn't that what most people do if they have a decent relationship with them & they're local? Buying a home is a huge decision & any input is welcome in my eyes as long as the final decision is yours & DPs.

witsender · 15/04/2017 08:38

I don't think it is at all unreasonable tbh. If they feel under pressure or whatever they may well feel uncomfortable discussing that in front of your partner, and they need to feel uncomfortable. Unless they have a history of sidelining your partner then he is being unreasonable.

witsender · 15/04/2017 08:38

Need to feel comfortable! Not uncomfortable, that's just mean. 😂

Tinkerbec · 15/04/2017 08:39

Sorry just read tft properly.
You sound lovely and you genuinely care that your oh felt bad.

Good idea oh looking after both children. Hope you will be happy in your new home.

Original poster
chickenjalfrezi · 15/04/2017 08:43

We are tinkerbec but there are difficulties on many sides with our particular blended family and we stuck firm with each other previously but it only isolated us further from the wider family so realise we have to compromise a bit. It's so sad but that's the way it is. We still hold on to the dream that one day we can have a single family event without negotiations and anxiety!

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BadKnee · 15/04/2017 08:51

They have a right to know what their money is secured against.
If you suspect they might gift it, they also have a right to know, or at the very least a courtesy.

They might have concerns that they would like to talk through with you, their daughter, in private. (Are you and DP married? Does he have debts? Does he have property of his own? How much are you risking with this?)

If tat were my DD I would want to know she was ok. I would certainly want to know if she wanted £20-90K from me to accomplish this.

You can of course choose not to involve them at all. And yet.... YOU want their money.

Have a think about this.

I assume your partner will see the houses before the decision to buy is made. (It's not like anyone can stop him). This is just an additional visit to satisfy your parents.

BadKnee · 15/04/2017 08:54

Sorry - got interrupted and posted without reading updates. Apologies. Glad all sorted.

Tinkerbec · 15/04/2017 09:46

Ohh Chicken sorry to read that. Maybe the new house can be a fresh start and acceptance for all.

Blended families can be really hard. As long as the blended family are ok. I hope the extended family will follow suit for you.

Original poster
chickenjalfrezi · 15/04/2017 10:04

Yes we're all okay and looking forward to a new home together. Can't all be smooth sailing! Had a long chat with DP and let my parents know of the slight change of plan and they're still coming so that's one less thing to worry about.

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Original poster
chickenjalfrezi · 15/04/2017 10:05

On the bright side, if and when our DC are in the same boat we will have better experience to manage relationships better for their sake.

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