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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that sharing a bed at a house party is really NBD?

67 replies

honeyyhighlightss · 14/04/2017 20:16

MIL is staying with us for a week, yay. She's a lovely woman, albeit extremely old-fashioned in her views, which is a sharp contrast to me and DP who both like to think we're fairly forward-thinking (this part has no real relevance to my topic but just want to point out I'm aware I'm maybe not being unreasonable, I'm just of a different mindset to her).

Anyway. This afternoon DSis came over with her 17 year old daughter, who'd been at a house party the night before. MIL likes to know everything about anything anyone does, regardless of how well she knows them, so started rattling off the questions ('were the parents in?', 'what time did you get home at?', etc). All was well until DN said that she hadn't returned home that night and had instead stayed over.

MIL - "There can't have been much room, surely?"
DN - "Yeah, I shared a bed with Caitlin and Lucas, and it was pretty cramped!"
MIL - "Lucas? A boy? You shared a bed with a boy?"

Now Lucas, or whatever his name was, is a good friend of DN's and, yes, is a male. MIL was absolutely scandalised by this - I've genuinely never seen her quite so wound up before. She started firing questions at DN such as "Did your parents know you were going to be sleeping in the same bed as a boy when they let you go to the party (DSis had left at that point) and actual quote "that would never have happened in me or your aunt's day".

AIBU or is she making a massive mountain out of a molehill here? When I was probably younger than 17 (maybe around 15/16) and went to 'empties' you would happily share a bed and usually end up cuddling up to boys and girls - everyone would just pile into a bed and it wasn't seen as improper or 'weird' in any way. Is it just my DMIL's more old-fashioned outlook on life or is this what generally is still done?
(DN got quite pissed off!)

OP posts:
Isadora2007 · 14/04/2017 20:55

It's definitely NBD
I got a tour of my house post teen dd (16) having a party and she was saying "y and z slept there on the chairs pushed together" then "a was on the rug, and b, c, d and e all
Managed to fit on the sofa" etc

There were 17 people sleeping over at my house that night apparently! Shock

Nanny0gg · 14/04/2017 21:04

I have to ask - how old is MiL?

Original poster
honeyyhighlightss · 14/04/2017 21:08

Glad that I'm not the only one who doesn't think it's a big deal at all! Like many of you said in my long-forgotten partying days (oddly not so much at uni levels but certainly in secondary school) it was just the done thing and no-one gave it a second thought.

A friend of mine back in her first year or so of uni found herself in a bed with a couple who started shagging while she was lying next to them. Poor girl was too intoxicated to move and I'm pretty sure she just fell asleep Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
honeyyhighlightss · 14/04/2017 21:08

Nanny0gg she is 79!

OP posts:
SoloDance · 14/04/2017 21:09

While I don't have a problem with the bed sharing.There are some things you don't share with people out of respect for their feelings.

jamesk0001 · 14/04/2017 21:10

Funny reactions some people have. My MIL contributed to her DN and his GF to tour Asia at 17 for 6 months. Born before the war she was and very religious but no fool, knows what goes on and would rather it be in the open then hidden because that's when people get hurt.

My M, cant bring myself to put the D in front, is an interfering old bat and went ape when my DD brought her BF home from Uni and they both shared a room at my place (20 year olds).

Me, I'd rather them be safe at home and enjoying time with the family rather than going out to get drunk and whatever else.

MargotLovedTom1 · 14/04/2017 21:16

I hardly think it's surprising that a 79 year old has a different outlook on life to a 17 year old (and a however old the OP is).

The MIL was a teenager in a very different time, with different norms and values.

grumpysquash3 · 14/04/2017 21:20

I shared beds with all manner of people at school and at uni. It really didn't matter and mostly sex wasn't part of it. It was literally combinations of friends to crash at the end of a night.
I am now 48, so it's hardly a recent thing!
That said, I have a colleague of 37 who has never shared a bed with anyone except significant partners. Never a friend, never her sibling, not even with her mum in a hotel.

MajesticWhine · 14/04/2017 21:22

One persons big deal is other persons NBD. If my teens shared a bed with boys at a house party and then reported it to their grandmother, she would be horrified. No big surprise that people of a different generation think differently about this.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 14/04/2017 21:23

It was none of your MIL's business and her RUDE behaviour in your home needs to stop! Honestly, who does she think she is?

Your DN should take this as a lesson in life, 'know your audience & moderate your behaviour'. 'I shared with friends', was more than enough information.

But she shouldn't have been interrogated by your MI, why didn't you or your DH step in?

I don't think the mass sharing of a bed was such a thing when I was that age. I think we were more coupling up! 😳😂 I think it's far more 'normal' now and NBD.

ShakingAndShocked · 14/04/2017 21:35

'Your DN should take this as a lesson in life, 'know your audience & moderate your behaviour'. 'I shared with friends', was more than enough information.'

Fuck that! No no, it's THIS:

DN should read more Caitlin Moran and have spoken up herself Grin

HashiAsLarry · 14/04/2017 21:36

trifle Grin
I'd have been inclined to say 'well its not really Lucas that's the problem' with a knowing Wink

Grilledaubergines · 14/04/2017 21:44

What are 'empties'?Blush

Floggingmolly · 14/04/2017 21:47

Empties?

StealthPolarBear · 14/04/2017 21:51

Old fashioned fine but I thibk it's very blinkered to assume everyone over a certain age didn't do such things as a teenager.

CancellyMcChequeface · 14/04/2017 22:13

I'm 30 and would have been exceedingly uncomfortable sharing a bed with a boy in this context as a teenager - to my mind, bed-sharing was for partners! We used to have massive sleepovers with a 'boys' tent' and 'girls' tent' in someone's garden, though. I've shared a bed with my sister and a female cousin when space was short, but probably wouldn't with a friend.

If someone else is comfortable with it I wouldn't consider it 'a big deal' but would find it a bit odd, to be honest. In a way that sharing a bed with/having sex with your boyfriend at 17 isn't. But that's just my personal view.

BrutusMcDogface · 14/04/2017 22:18

I guess "empties" means empty houses? I.e. No parents there.

Nanny0gg · 14/04/2017 22:23

Old fashioned fine but I think it's very blinkered to assume everyone over a certain age didn't do such things as a teenager.

Oh I don't know. If she;d been my age (60s) then the chances are her contemporaries (at least) would do such things. But she was born during war time, and whilst those fighting in the war weren't always shy and retiring, growing up in the 40s and early 50s she would not have 'carried on' like that.

MrsJayy · 14/04/2017 22:23

It isn"t a huge deal really but some folk are really old fashioned about stuff
Ike that. My mum made dh then partner sleep onthe couch night before we moved into a new house our baby was 16 weeks Grin

Floggingmolly · 14/04/2017 22:29

That horse had definitely bolted, MrsJayy Grin

Birdsgottaf1y · 14/04/2017 22:31

In all fairness in the MILs day, if a Woman was out at night on her own, or even in her own home with someone that she thought she could trust and was raped, she'd be blamed for it.

Likewise it was the girl who suffered if she got pregnant, or her reputation was ruined (in times past language).

My Mum, who would have been older than the MIl wouldn't have thought anything of it, but she was a 'party girl'.

Read the threads of Women who are in their 40's+ about everyday sexual assaults, you had to be careful, you were considered fair game if you put yourself in certain situations. The Police would have told you that you'd been a silly girl and it's best to forget about it, unless you wanted a 'name'.

I think the ridicule is unfair and some people do need to filter things to their Nan etc.

MrsJayy · 14/04/2017 23:35

Was cantering down the paddock floggin Grin was very odd

GirlInterruptedOftenByKids · 14/04/2017 23:43

If I remember teenagehood correctly no one went to bed before 4am at a party so once you found a space to crash you were asleep in seconds. No time for anything else!

MrsJayy · 14/04/2017 23:45

In all seriousness though she is a 79year old woman she wouldn't have experienced house parties or boys or girls being pals Birds is right a girl would have got a name for herself if she bunked up with lucas in her day.

Emphasise · 14/04/2017 23:45

I thought you were going to say you'd asked MIL to share with some random, which would gave been a stretch. Teens in a group at a party, I probably wouldn't have told any oldies but perfectly normal.