This is going to be v v long but I am hoping one or two people might read it. I've had the most horrible fallout with a colleague today that has left me shaken and very upset.
Background - been unhappy at work for about a year now. Lots and lots of reasons. I stay because we need the money. It's a male workplace with the usual "banter" that working with (some) males can bring. (Have posted before about being called Treacle Tits by our main supplier for example). Company is small, we are an office of 15 but most of the staff are on the road. Head office is in another town a short flight away. Also quite small. Complaints about each other from what I have seen are handled with bitching and moaning to each other and "sucking it up."
Nothing ever gets reported officially because there is no HR department.
So I'm unhappy, actively looking for something else, getting rejected at interview stage. (Possibly because I've lost the ability to sell myself because I don't feel valued in current role.)
In my office there is usually (but not always) me, the branch boss and my male colleague, S. He is senior to me but not my boss. We have fallen out once before, because of a similar incident to today.
Today:
Upon entering the office I was immediately told by S that I needed to provide some information to L in head office regarding an item that was hired by a colleague. He had gone through my documents and been unable to find the relevant bit. (This is because it wasn't ordered by me.) I asked when the job was done, he told me with a definite note of annoyance that he didn't know. I was then told that paperwork should have been sent up for two jobs having previously been told I didn't have to send. He also said that all paperwork from March should have been sent. I explained (calmly I thought) that I send paperwork twice a week so all March papers will be in head office. I was interrupted by S several times and unable to get my point across in a complete way. It was strongly suggested that he didn't care about that as it was out of his remit. I admit that this was mildly frustrating but at no point did I lose my temper. The manner in which these requests were presented to me were with a definite edge of annoyance. I genuinely felt that his annoyance was with "work" and misread it because he was actually annoyed with me. In my attempts to get my point across and being consistently spoken over I said, in an attempt to be jovial about it "Aargh! I'm getting annoyed now!" I never told him I was annoyed with him. I misread the situation and when I said "I'm annoyed, it's annoying" S seemingly took it that I was annoyed at him. Crossed wires I guess, I didn't realise he was angry with me, he didn't realise that I WASN'T angry with him. His temper absolutely exploded at that point. "I tell you what, Fried, don't fucking go off at me, I tell you fucking now-" and the rest was cut off by a door slam with such force that the windows rattled in their frames. I was shaken and upset. At this point I called the MD to ask her what information she needed as the info from S wasn't clear. I was very upset at this point and struggled to compose myself in time for S to arrive back into the office. I did manage to find the information that MD needed and proceeded to catch up with some orders. S returned and the anger was still palpable. I went to the kitchen area to do some work as I didn't feel comfortable being in the same room as him while he was so angry and I was upset.
Once I had composed myself I asked him if he would like tea. He declined. When I returned from making my own tea I said the following:
"I wasn't going off at you. I was cross because L had asked you-"
S interrupted and shouted over me. "Well is L here now? No, so I'm the one who fucking gets bitched at. I'm sick of the way you speak to me. I am always fucking fair to you. The way you speak to me is always fucking out of order."
I tried to reply. "Right. Sorry. Is there any point in me trying to explain?"
"No. I'm still too fucking angry."
I turned away and went back to my work, breaking briefly to go outside to drink a mug of tea. I did this outside because I did not feel comfortable in the office when he was so angry. I did not feel safe actually. I have never made anyone quite as angry.
Around an hour later I asked him if I could please apologise to him.
"To be honest, Fried, I am really pissed off."
"I know. I do not like pissing you off, I work quite hard to try not to. I would rather piss off L than you and I would like to apologise. I am sorry that the tone I used annoyed you. I felt as if I was having a moan and I did not realise that my tone suggested I was very cross. That was not my intent and I am sorry."
S reply was "Right, OK." A begrudging acceptance, but still clearly furious. I left without either of us saying goodbye or even acknowledging that I was leaving.
Colleague says "That's what S is like, though. We've all been there." Difference is they're all blokes. They probably wouldn't feel as intimidated as I did. I tread on eggshells to avoid upsetting him because I know he can and does get stressed and pissed off.
I arrived home shaking, very upset. Spoke to DH and I broke down in tears. I felt intimidated by S and there were moments where I did not feel safe. DH thinks I should report this to my boss today even though it's his day off. I said this would not go in my favour, contacting him on day off. (So I haven't.) He also thinks I should hand in my notice if my instinct is right and they're not going to hear my side. But we'd struggle financially until I could find something else.
Am I overreacting to be considering handing in my notice? I have to work with S almost daily and the situation has always been precarious because of his moods. Now it feels untenable because he's turned it round to being my fault.
Sorry. I know it's an epic post, if you've read it this far thanks 