To not want to sell my house?

[lizzieoak]

Ever since my divorce people have been encouraging me to sell my house. Through stubbornness & cheapness I've managed to hang on to it. The mortgage is pretty high. Once I'm no longer getting child support I may have to sell, or get roommates.

Aside from it being my home for 20 years and I love it, I want to keep it as long as possible so that my kids can benefit properly from it. Right now they're too young (late teens early 20's) to buy in this very expensive market (& we're in Canada so very spread out so moving towns means possibly never seeing loved ones again due to cost & distance). So I'd like to hang on as long as possible so that downsizing or dieing here does them some good. They want me to enjoy my life, friends and coworkers think I should move, but I figure a) I love me house and b) I don't enjoy life a ton anyway as I hate my job & hate being single - I might as well benefit the kids and help to make their lives easier than mine has been.

AIBU?

What do you love about your home/house?

Thanks :) I've only lived in cities here and in the U.K. I really can't see either of my kids living somewhere remote, it wouldn't suit them culturally. I broke up with a wonderful man 30 years ago because he needed to move up north (where he was from) for work.

Thing is, if I sold up I'd use over half the equity to buy a little condo and would give them the leftovers. I've got all I need in terms of possessions and whatnot, so what would I spend it on? I could retire early but unless my stress levels get too much to bear I really don't think I could enjoy frittering that money away while they can't afford a home of their own. I am banking on winning the lottery to release me from this stupid job. I could spend it on plane fare, but honestly I don't see dd moving, she's not even interested in travel (& neither is her fella) & ds told me (rather to my surprise) that after uni and maybe a training period, he very much wants to come back to the coast, to Vancouver or the Island, as it's home to him & we're here and it's where he wants to spend his life. He loves travel (!), but wants to come home at the end.

I love that it's familiar. It's near where I grew up, quite near the sea, I know all the neighbours, it's very leafy and peaceful and safe. I recognize all the faces and they recognize me.

As to the house itself: it's small but sweet and has character. It's to my taste and is just home. Annoyingly, switching neighbourhoods does not take enough off the mortgage to make it worth it (without going a silly way outside of town and giving myself a very long commute).

I do understand about home. We spent a lot of years renovating fixer uppers derelict shitholes and our house now really is home, and I wouldn't want to uproot, though I may have to soon and that's making me upset and raging in equal measure.

If you sold up, could you use say 75% of the equity to buy a duplex, give 25% to your DC and then either give them the profit from the rent, or give them half of the profit from the rent? Are there any affordable duplexes in your neck of the woods, or a neck you'd be happy in? Are you handy, would a fixer upper duplex be a possibility? Not a shithole level of fixer upper, but a needs paint and getting rid of the awful kitchen cabinets and lino on the bathroom walls level of fixer upper.

Otherwise, I'm out of ideas I'm afraid - strong pain meds + wine = graveyard of ideas.

though, sounds like you've been through it.

My MIL is 70 and still working because she won't sell. She lives alone in this massive house because she wants to leave it to us. We've told her again and again to sell it and get a smaller house as we'd rather she was relaxed and happy than working to pass it to us but she won't.

It's quite worrying actually.

The house isn't big! My friend's condo is way bigger. We're rattling around in a run down stately home. It's 1100 square feet.

Thanks Loup. When I've looked at duplexes they've been worth not a lot less than my place. It's something I do keep an eye on as I'd like to retain a garden. I suspect the rent would be going on the mortgage though, which would be fine as if I could pay it off sooner the kids could have the benefit sooner.

Lizzie stay open to options and suggestions. i'm sure if you were less burdened by the house it would help you.

I will stay open to ideas. The mortgage is very hard, but that's partly because the cost of everything else is rising too fast.

The money is hard, but it is the place I feel most at peace.

Have you thought about AirBnB?

But I think you should deal with your depression, lizzie says she who hasn't dealt with her own. Obviously new partners are out of your control, but is it that hard to change jobs? I live in Mexico but I do know that age discrimination is forbidden in Canada.

I have thought about air bnb, esp for the summer, though I wondered if my long hours might make the key handover tricky?

Age discrimination may be illegal, but it's also very hard to prove. One place I used to apply to, had loads of experience in that field, would have really enjoyed the work. Surprised I never had a reply to any of my applications. Then it dawns on me: the staff is 90% female and 100% under 30. But impossible to prove that's why I never got an interview.

All my recent experience is in offices which I don't particularly enjoy. Tricky to escape.

I do take vague stabs at dealing w the depression but it's hard to motivate myself to insist on feeling better (To my gp, who is wonderful, but I feel sometimes he's slightly invested in me being okay) as depression doesn't exactly fill you with problem-solving initiative. I say to people all the time "I'm a bit depressed", hoping I suppose that someone will take me seriously, but they either make a sad face or (much worse) tell me all I have to be grateful for. These people are almost invariably married!

Obviously I fit their 90% female, but not the young part!

1100 square feet is 102 square meters. Trust me for a Brit, this is not small. In fact it's slightly bigger than the average house size over here.

You've had some great ideas. I hope you manage to keep your home. Good luck.

Are you on medication for the depression?

Really? It seems small to me, two bedrooms, one tiny bathroom. We do have a dining room. I lived in the U.K., sometimes in flats this size and that was two adults sharing a bedroom. My ex-in-laws house is about a third bigger than mine.

Here this is a cottage and because we have no upper floor (bedrooms on the main) people can be snooty about it.

I thought people were picturing I Capture the Castle or something, when to us this is a very modest size.

Oh, and no to medication. It's partly situational (money, evil exh stresses in the past, lack of partner), but it may also be perimenopause. I've told the dr I'm a bit depressed & he hasn't offered and I haven't pushed. I think I present as a coper, albeit probably a gloomy one. Despite a lot of yak about mental health, certainly when it comes to work Canada is shite about letting people take their allotted sick time w/o much flashing of the evil eye.

Yes really. www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/britains-houses-getting-smaller--7459889

Ok well you know meds are an option. It doesn't have to be long term, you know. Mmmm perimenopause, I'm going through this too.

My MIL is 70 and still working because she won't sell. She lives alone in this massive house because she wants to leave it to us.

This is so frustrating.
If she does want to give you some money, why not downsize and give it to you now, and stop working?
People seem fixated in leaving something in their will, which typically passes to their children when they are 50s and don't really need the money. I know a few people who have spent their inheritance on extra holidays as they are well off themselves now, was that worth the grandparents working and scrimping for?
If you want to help your children and grandchildren financially (if you want to and have spare assets) do it when they are in their 30s, raising small kids, childcare costs etc - money then can make a huge difference to the grandkids lives. Money in your 50s has limited impact.

Obviously no obligation to do either, but I find the focus on leaving as much as possible in your will perplexing. I'd rather distribute some money when I was alive in that position. See the benefits of it, greater impact for grandchildren.

I can see it makes sense not to sell it until the dc can use the cash as a deposit- like you say, if it sits in the bank and prices go up, it won't help them in the same way. BUT, it is no fun to be depressed and alone and cash-strapped! Could you manage to sell, buy a small flat outright to live in (somewhere busy with lots to do), and a separate flat to rent out/ for dc to inherit, with your salary?

1,100 is a decent size in the UK (our last very lovely 4 bed, 2 recep, garden and garage was 1200! Try looking at UK Pinterest type sites for small space living- might give you an idea of how to split your current arrangement.

But high house prices are a bugger- I am in the SE and don't know how my dc will ever buy, unless I manage to die without needing any care and can pass something on to them.:(

Can you put your washing machine in the bathroom, if the kitchen isn't an option? It's quite a luxury really to retain a separate laundry room and if you could properly split the living spaces you might feel it's easier to get a longer term tenant- get the right one and it could be great for you. In addition, then it might be suitable for you to live in instead of the main house when your DS leaves home, so you could rent the main house out then for more money.

Air bnb in meantime is good - you can get a secure key safe with a code if you'll not be there every time to handover keys.

I know you think you're depressed from being single, but believe me you will cause your children a LOT of worries if you don't sort the living situation to avoid struggling in poverty. It sounds like you're struggling now and it's already a worry to them.