To not want to sell my house?

[lizzieoak]

Ever since my divorce people have been encouraging me to sell my house. Through stubbornness & cheapness I've managed to hang on to it. The mortgage is pretty high. Once I'm no longer getting child support I may have to sell, or get roommates.

Aside from it being my home for 20 years and I love it, I want to keep it as long as possible so that my kids can benefit properly from it. Right now they're too young (late teens early 20's) to buy in this very expensive market (& we're in Canada so very spread out so moving towns means possibly never seeing loved ones again due to cost & distance). So I'd like to hang on as long as possible so that downsizing or dieing here does them some good. They want me to enjoy my life, friends and coworkers think I should move, but I figure a) I love me house and b) I don't enjoy life a ton anyway as I hate my job & hate being single - I might as well benefit the kids and help to make their lives easier than mine has been.

AIBU?

Yo separate the spaces more would mean I'd lose access to the laundry room, which would mean going to the launderette. That might be feasible when it's just me, but not while I'm doing my laundry and ds'. I work really long hours and the bought of spending 2-3 hours in a launderette every week

Well if it's not separate no one can just move a partner in. They need your permission. They only have a license to occupy not a proper tenancy if they share kitchen or bathroom.

If you are interested in something like a youth leaving care, there is the friendly landlord network. Then you would have some support if things went sideways.

I bet your kids are fully aware that you hate your job and hate being single, ie you are pretty miserable with your life in general. Look at all the options to ensure you can have a good standard of living. Most people would hate for their parent to live in poverty just to protect an inheritance.

You don't say your age but if 50ish you might have another 40 years ahead. Time to consider yourself.

So far you have put up objections to every suggestion made. Can you ask a friend for their opinion as we can't possibly know what your situation really is. Are you living by candlelight and scrimping on soap or just cant afford prime beef and a second foreign holiday?

I get that. I've been on my own as long as you and going through atm the trauma of OLD. It's so hard to keep on with it sometimes.

OP, what about hosting students who are there to study English? I was a student there, paying $50 per day to the school (so unsure how much of that went to the family). The family had been doing it for years.

Alternatively, you could rent your current place, live in a smaller one and keep the profit.

Thanks Mrs P, I'll look into the youth leaving care. I'd be interested in foster care and am very aware of the struggles of young people cut off from supports when they age out of care. No parties though! I have very low tolerance for noise (Japanese students are particularly silent in our long experience of them).

Matilda, we're not in poverty at the moment. Still have sub-dried tomatoes! I can afford zero holidays, the car is 30+ years old, getting any repairs on house or car involves saving for months. My winter boots have died but am really struggling over buying a new pair.

It's more once ds is gone and so is the child support. We can soldier on till then.

If I downsized now I'd still need to work, at least when ds grows up. In the meantime maybe child support would pay the bills, but getting a job in my late 50's after 4 years off would be tricky (work w software a lot and bosses tend to assume you can't learn if you don't already know it sort of thing).

Tyrion, hosts get around $850, minus food so around $400 profit. We did it for over 5 years and burned out on it. After a long day at work trying to make conversation w people w little English was exhausting! We had some great homestay students, but ds and I are introverts so kind of crap at it really. I need loads of alone time.

It does work well for some though!

https://friendlylandlordnetwork.com/being-a-landlord/

There are other programs depending on where you are. PM me if you would like.

Could you extend the mortgage now, and make it more affordable?

OP, life is passing you by. Think about the advice you'd give one of your DC if they were in your boat. They will get much more joy and comfort out of seeing you happy than any financial assistance you provide in the future. I know this for a fact.

Lizzie I'm in BC and I wouldn't want to have to rely on renters/boarders or months of planning to repair or maintain a home and car. You sound totally drained.
What line of work are the children interested in? Is it available locally? What would be the best scenario in 5 years time?

Thanks Mrs P, I'll look into that, going out w a friend in a few minutes.

But I don't think downsizing would make me happy, I'd just have less money worries. I'd be in a place I didn't love, on my own.

Extending the mortgage? Actually, while I still have child support, I want to pay extra for the next 4 years to make the time after that somewhat more viable. Staycations till then!

Outtopasture, thanks. I'd still have to work, for another ten years or so, unless I wanted to fritter away the difference between the house and a condo. And I can't do that to the kids! I couldn't enjoy it knowing I was stuffing them (not how they'd see it but how I would).

Kids are still figuring out careers. Ds will likely eventually be making around $40-45k if she gets into govt. Hard to say w ds as he vacillates between that as a starting salary in govt or going into a profession.

Stiffing not stuffing!! I corrected that twice and it slipped under the net somehow.

Lizzie do you do the kind of work that is transferable?
it just seems like you have put up a lot of barriers to moving to a better standard of living when there are lots of opportunities in BC.
Will the grandparents pass on any inheritance?
My lot are a bit older (early 30's) so work and politics have changed a bit but none of my 3 found work close to home. One in the oil fields (bought his own home) one in the Kootenay's (bought his own home) and one in the UK same. One requested help with a down payment but his request was reasonable (5K).

I grew up cash poor in a too big house which my parents clung onto. When I think of my childhood I think of being cold and not having enough money. I was very aware that they worried about unexpected bills. It was a real worry for me as a child. I didn't understand that they could have downsized and solved our financial worries.

I would think again.
If you do decide to stay in the house, find a way to make it work financially. Separate the areas properly. Get rid of your extra furniture if tenants want unfurnished. Are you really going to have the worry and discomfort of not having enough money because you don't want to get rid of extra furniture?? Don't live a worse live for your stuff. Unclear what the laundry room issue is- can't you put your washer and dryer in another room? You really don't need a separate room for laundry.

If you don't want to make these compromises then I'd move somewhere smaller and use the money to enrich your children's childhoods. Investing your resources in giving them a happy childhood - with a calm happy mum - will do far more for their long term prospects and happiness than giving them a wad of cash.

The work isn't transferable to small town BC. And I'd be a fish out of water. If I was going to move away from friends and family, I'd love to the UK where at least the culture would be more in sync w me (I know there's loads of cultures there, but there's a couple I slot into). Moving abroad seems a bit mad though as no guarantee I'd get work.

The kids are grown up (almost, one is 17, the other in her 20's). I hope they had a happy childhood, there was no shortage of heat (people seem to have misread my bad joke about heat being a frivolity - I said the same about electricity and obviously we have power - and an internet connection, and cell phones).

The thing about renting it unfurnished is that it is very, very difficult to evict bad tenants (& equally difficult for good tenants w bad landlords). So if I rent it furnished I'm more likely to get ESL's and ESL's go home after 4-8 months as a rule and they are quiet (thus far) and here to study not have parties. So while I see your point, to us it's more important that we have a quiet tenant w a good vibe than constant tenancy.

And I'm also stressed because I find work stressful and I'd still have to work some if I downsized. And I hate being single and downsizing won't fix that.

I do want to stay for another 5 years till ds is done uni and then I'll reassess, and then both kids will be in a better position financially.

Dd is very committed to the coast and ds is too, though I can see him living elsewhere briefly, or somewhere big city like Montreal, I don't see him fitting in well to the Interior.

I think I'm coming across as obstructionist, but it's just I've thought all these things through (bar Mrs P's suggestion of kids who have aged out of care).

Oh, and the laundry just does have its own room, it's a very low ceiling, would cost buckets to make a liveable space, and would mean trying to jam a washer & drier into my kitchen. This is a tiny house, 1100 square feet, the washer & drier would make our kitchen even worse so not crazy about that idea. I'd rather go to the launderette on a weekend when ds is grown up.

If you can genuinely afford it, keep it but sell the moment it starts putting you in debt. Your kids will not thank you for dealing with decades of a miserable mother!! Good luck x

Outtopasture, my parents are long gone and didn't leave any money (long story). My kids have one grandparent left on the other side, I don't like to ask his plans, seems tacky.

From talking w friends I don't think my way of living is uncommon in my age group. Many of my friends still have parents alive. Two don't, and inherited, and paid off their mortgages (no tenants). Of the ones old enough to have bought before the market went mad; one could only afford a condo, has high strata fees, one has an elderly aunt renting his basement suite, one has ESL tenants like me, another had university students of any stripe, another has a coworker renting from her, and another rents to anyone and has had some scary experiences. Aside from friends who inherited already, I don't have a single friend who can afford their mortgage without the suite. Of course there are people my age group who can, but they either got in earlier or earn a lot more money. So in my world scraping by and having tenants does not seem so onerous. Stressful, yes, but so would be moving to a crap modern condo (& they're mostly shoddy buildings) w high strata fees.

Hecate, they are definitely better people than that! But I'm their mum and know best. If the house becomes truly unaffordable I'll have to sell, but ideally will struggle a bit till they're old enough that the money can be used (rather than depreciating till they're able to get a mortgage).

Part of it, too, is that you lovely people and my kids imagine that moving will make me happy. I've got low-grade depression and hate being single. Moving will not magic me a partner. If it would the For Sale would be up tonight!

The West Coast economy is pretty weird and it's very different to the UK. Van came out as the most unaffordable place in the world recently. Not because of the high prices but because of the difference between wages and housing prices.

There are ways to manage 'bad tenants' and ways to select them more safely. Paperwork is your friend! But I know that being a landlord is a profession and not to be undertaken by people who aren't keen.

Mrs P, exactly. I guess I find ESL students to be a comfortable place in between being a professional landlord and a homestay parent. They're relieved to have a nice quiet place that feels safe and I like that they're quiet and I know the tenancy will end. They so far have been a lot more relaxed about sharing the laundry than the local student who've done walk-throughs.

If I was rich and had a spare house and rented it out, I wouldn't worry so much. But as we're right here and sounds and smells come up the heating ducts, I do not want someone's pot smoke stinking up the house, or having someone using their stereo late at night.

Being tight as to who rents it means less money but a lot more peace of mind.

Are you fussed about pets? We have a house in Canada which we rent out and our tenant is a lady and her assistance dog. She's lovely and brilliant, and saying we'd be open to allowing pets (depending on individual circumstances!) generated a lot more interest in the house, which meant we could be a lot choosier who we rented to.

Sorry meant to add, if its not seeing your DC or them you due to distance/cost that concerns you, if you sold up wouldn't you have more disposable income and so be more able to travel to see them?

I've lived all over Canada and the US in some very remote places, and I'm yet to live anywhere remote enough that cost or distance would be so much of an issue that I'd never see DS again.
I'm not sure if you've lived anywhere remote before but these days its surprisingly easy and cheap to get around, even to destination bumfuck nowhere where I currently live . Sorry if that sounds patronising, its not meant to be as if I thought I'd end up living somewhere where I'd never see DS again I certainly wouldn't be moving there!