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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU about DS's birthday and his grandparents

37 replies

Millerr · 14/04/2017 14:40

It's my DS's first birthday tomorrow. Initially we were just going to take him to the zoo but a few of my extended family and some friends asked about a party so we are having a few people around tomorrow afternoon, after the zoo, to 'celebrate' with him.

I text everyone I thought might be interested a few weeks ago. My ex's family text back asking why it was in the afternoon so I told them I was taking him to the zoo and heard nothing back.

Ex's mum rang this morning and asked what time they can pick DS up tomorrow? I was confused and said they are coming to ours and not taking him out. She got really annoyed on the phone and said they had planned to do something with him and I was being difficult etc. In the end I just said well we are doing tomorrow as planned and if I've upset her so much then don't bother coming.

Anyway her husband just rang me and shouted down the phone about the whole thing saying that I am depriving them of a relationship and he's their grandson and they want to spend to the day with him and 'normal' people (which was yet another dig at my family) would allow this. I basically told him to do one.

But, now I am wondering if I am being a bit harsh. I have a bit of a chaotic family. I live with my brothers and we are okay now but our upbringing was a bit shit tbh and I never had a relationship with my grandparents (or my parents really) so now I am wondering if I was BU for stopping them?

For a back story, ex is not really involved. She does see DS but not loads. I did offer her to take him out on his birthday but she is busy and is coming Sunday instead (this was arranged ages ago). Her parents are sort of involved with DS but they do work full time so will occasionally see him at weekends and have taken him out a few times on his own. They have a habit of making comments about my parenting skills and my family and have also just turned up in the past wanting to take DS out or see him. My parents have no involvement at all so they are the only grandparents he sees.

And tbh, if they had said weeks ago about wanting to take it out I would have been inclined to say it was fine but my nephew is coming to the zoo as well and I don't see why we should change everything at the last bloody minuet just for them. I am only really doing something it as everyone has been saying we have to do 'something', DS won't even notice and would be just as happy with a little bit of cake and a trip to the park down the road!

Basically AIBU for telling them no?

OP posts:

MimiSunshine · 14/04/2017 14:46

They're idiots. Unless you honestly thing you somehow sent them a message saying 'would you like to take DS out on his birthday?' Rather than 'would you like to come over for cake on DS burthday' then they've either decided or just thing as you're taking him to the zoo then they can have him later and you'll go along with it.

Stick to your guns, your plan is fine abd any time they accuse you of not being a normal family just say 'sorry you feel that way, we won't bother with you anymore if you're so offended' they'll soon shut up

ohfourfoxache · 14/04/2017 14:48

Doesn't sound like they positively contribute to his life tbh - especially when they are so ridiculously bloody awkward

Ahickiefromkinickie · 14/04/2017 14:50

YANBU. Were you expected to keep free on his birthday on the offchance his GPS want to take him out? They need to ask, and give you enough notice. And it's rude that they turn up at your house expecting to have DC. You should call them out on it.

Next time they criticise your parenting skills, tell them at least you are a parent, unlike their daughter who is not that involved in DC's upbringing.

StarlingMurderation · 14/04/2017 14:50

That's so weird. Why on earth would they think that their plans take priority over yours? He's your son, you're taking him to the zoo for his birthday, then you'll be hosting a small get-together. Seems completely normal to me.

Topuptheglass · 14/04/2017 14:52

Does his mum not want to see him on his birthday at all?

Stick to your guns - they've deliberately picked it up wrong.

Sirzy · 14/04/2017 14:52

So they knew you had plans to take him out but made their own anyway? Even ignoring the fact it's his birthday they are mad!

Go and enjoy your day and don't give them a second thought

Topuptheglass · 14/04/2017 14:53

Sorry I just see his mum is seeing him Sunday

honeylulu · 14/04/2017 14:55

So basically you invited them to his birthday party which they then planned to remove him from to do something else, and separate him from you on his first birthday?
I don't think you need to ask who is BU!

Neolara · 14/04/2017 15:19

They are definitely being weird. You, on the other hand, are not.

Have a lovely trip to the zoo and birthday party with your ds.

Mummyoflittledragon · 14/04/2017 15:19

Bizarre people. You are enabling a relationship with their grandchild by letting them have him on Sunday. You are inviting them to his party. Yet this is not good enough. Your child. Your rules. Any grandparent relationship with their grandchild is a privilege and not right, which is something they seem to be forgetting. If they speak to you in this manner again, you could tell them they may have to rethink their involvement. How rude.

Floggingmolly · 14/04/2017 15:20

Did they really think you wouldn't want to spend your child's first birthday with him? Do they have form for being thick, because that's fairly off the scale?

Chillyegg · 14/04/2017 15:28

They're twits. Ignore and enjoy your lovely day! Can i be super nosey and ask why mum isnt involved? And whats so important that she cant see her son on his first birthday. Id be dead before i missed my DD's birthday

Nanny0gg · 14/04/2017 15:33

Surely your son spends his birthday with you primarily and then anyone else you invite?

I would never expect to see my DGC without their parents on their birthdays!

TeacupsAndDaffodils · 14/04/2017 15:43

Would you invite them to the zoo to "keep the peace"

Cherrysoup · 14/04/2017 15:52

Unless they have had a period of time looking after your ds, they have very little legal right to see him at all. They seem to be very confused about what they can and cannot do. Definitely time for a chat about them demanding time with him. Certainly they can't just come over and expect to take him out.

NervousNellie29 · 14/04/2017 15:59

They are definitely being very odd and extremely disrespectful.
I would just send a message stating what your exact plans are and if they want to come to the party they are welcome, if not they can see him Sunday with his mum!

Happy birthday to your little boy and I hope you two have an amazing time celebrating!

coconutpie · 14/04/2017 16:52

YANBU. He is your son. They sound completely selfish awful people. No reasonable person would think that they should be able to take a child out on their birthday WITHOUT the parent!! Tell them to fuck off.

LindyHemming · 14/04/2017 16:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Headofthehive55 · 14/04/2017 17:02

It's normal to take your own child out on his birthday.
People come to you.

SeaCabbage · 14/04/2017 17:04

I think it is sad that you would doubt yourself. There is no way these people are being anything other than weird and nasty.

but you also said that you were having a party as other people had asked about having one. I cant' think of much worse than coming home after a day at the zoo and then having to host a party. Exhausting. I hope you actually wanted a party.

I think it would be good if you could believe in yourself a bit more and stick to what you want to do, not what other people think you should do. Have you ever had any counselling to talk about your chaotic childhood? It might help you believe in yourself a bit more .

YouTheCat · 14/04/2017 17:06

Tbh, I'd tell them to fuck right off. They don't sound reasonable at all and I can't see how they'd be a good influence on your ds in the future.

Beebeeeight · 14/04/2017 17:17

Your DS lives in a house with you and your brothers?

That's an odd set up!

Batghee · 14/04/2017 17:18

YANBU they cant just decide they want to take him out and then tell you. They need to arrange things in advance with you like proper adults.
I think you did absolutely the right thing in sticking to your own plan.
Its good to have clear boundaries otherwise they will think they can pull this type of thing all the time.
Stuff like this is not about them thinking about whats best for the child its about their own egos. Imagine if he had been older and had been told he was going to the zoo and then they just turned up and took him somewhere else. That would not go down well with any child.

TheSnowFairy · 14/04/2017 17:29

What exactly did you say to them?

Seems they were under the definite impression they were seeing him on his birthday...

Original poster

Millerr · 14/04/2017 17:52

Thanks everyone for replying. I think sometimes they just expect me to drop things for them and I have no idea if this is normal or not. It's hard to talk to my family about as they have no idea either. They kicked off at Christmas because I didn't want to take DS to theirs on Christmas Day and they eventually came to ours to drop the present off but then they were rude to my youngest brother so my oldest brother basically said if you speak to any of my family like that again then you aren't coming in my house. Since Christmas they have been okay but this seems to have started them off.

The intial text was the same one I sent out to everyone which basically said it's DS's birthday on x date and people are welcome to come over for some food and cake after X time if they would like to celebrate with us. There was no mention of them having him at all.

I have no idea what ex is doing on the day, I didn't ask. DS lives with me as she struggled a lot with him and has her own issues. He has been with me full time since he was about 4 months old - his mums choice - and she has made no indication that she wants him back yet. She does see him but is not actively involved iyswim? I want her parents to be involved with DS as it gives him someone from her 'side' of the family but sometimes I swear it's more hassle than it's worth.

I live with my brothers because that is effectively my 'family home'. I am 23 and my oldest brother is 32. I have lived with him 'officially' since I was 16 but realistically it has been a lot longer as it was hard with my parents. It is a strange set up but I don't really have the money to live on my own at the moment and it is useful having my family on hand to help when I am working.

OP posts:

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