AIBU about DS's birthday and his grandparents

[Millerr]

It's my DS's first birthday tomorrow. Initially we were just going to take him to the zoo but a few of my extended family and some friends asked about a party so we are having a few people around tomorrow afternoon, after the zoo, to 'celebrate' with him.

I text everyone I thought might be interested a few weeks ago. My ex's family text back asking why it was in the afternoon so I told them I was taking him to the zoo and heard nothing back.

Ex's mum rang this morning and asked what time they can pick DS up tomorrow? I was confused and said they are coming to ours and not taking him out. She got really annoyed on the phone and said they had planned to do something with him and I was being difficult etc. In the end I just said well we are doing tomorrow as planned and if I've upset her so much then don't bother coming.

Anyway her husband just rang me and shouted down the phone about the whole thing saying that I am depriving them of a relationship and he's their grandson and they want to spend to the day with him and 'normal' people (which was yet another dig at my family) would allow this. I basically told him to do one.

But, now I am wondering if I am being a bit harsh. I have a bit of a chaotic family. I live with my brothers and we are okay now but our upbringing was a bit shit tbh and I never had a relationship with my grandparents (or my parents really) so now I am wondering if I was BU for stopping them?

For a back story, ex is not really involved. She does see DS but not loads. I did offer her to take him out on his birthday but she is busy and is coming Sunday instead (this was arranged ages ago). Her parents are sort of involved with DS but they do work full time so will occasionally see him at weekends and have taken him out a few times on his own. They have a habit of making comments about my parenting skills and my family and have also just turned up in the past wanting to take DS out or see him. My parents have no involvement at all so they are the only grandparents he sees.

And tbh, if they had said weeks ago about wanting to take it out I would have been inclined to say it was fine but my nephew is coming to the zoo as well and I don't see why we should change everything at the last bloody minuet just for them. I am only really doing something it as everyone has been saying we have to do 'something', DS won't even notice and would be just as happy with a little bit of cake and a trip to the park down the road!

Basically AIBU for telling them no?

Your set up is fine.

Many people with children (married and single) live in family but homes.
Just because it's you and your brothers is no different. It clearly works for you.

And they are barking if they think they can just rock up and take ds out for the day on his birthday - most children spend it with their parents. Those from 2 family units usually see the parents on separate days for separate celebrations. Ime your XP parents would see ds when it's their DD birthday day with him.

They care being ridiculous. Of course you will want to be with your son on his birthday

It sounds like you have a lovely day planned. You've tried to include extended family but you've put the child having a nice time as your main priority.

It's not normal for grandparents to contact a parent saying 'what time are we picking him up?' Birthday or not!

Please enjoy your child's first birthday you have planned a lovely day & your ex's parents are bizarre for thinking they could decline attending the party and instead take him away!

and she has made no indication that she wants him back yet

Forgive me, but that reads a bit like you think you are only having him for the time being and when she is ready he'll go back to her.

And his GPs get to see him when it's convenient for you and your DS not when they feel like it.

*Your DS lives in a house with you and your brothers?

That's an odd set up!*

Why/how is it odd?

YANBU

The maternal grandparents, on the other hand, are being extremely unreasonable. And ridiculous. They can either stick to the original plan or go without. If they want to take him out somewhere they can do so during the baby's time with his mother.

Stick to your original plans, as they sound lovely.

I don't even know what to say about a so-called "mother" (or "father" if the roles were reversed) who can't be bothered to see their child on its first birthday.

Your set up is fine. It sounds like you see yourself as not the primary parent and just holding things together until his mum decides she's taking over.

Please have the confidence to see you're doing a great job and fully deserving of being your sons dad. If you were a woman living with sisters, people would think noting if it and that it was lovely you were all supporting each other, your set up is maybe not the norm but it's fine.

I do think you should speak to 'someone' (no idea who) about formalising your situation and while encouraging his mum to be involved. Don't just feel you have to hand him back if she changed her mind, you're all your son knows and his GP's can't just take over on special days as they see fit. Take a leaf out of your eldest brothers book and lay some ground rules

You sound as if you're doing a great job. Please don't just hand your child back to his mother if she says she's got her shit together. You sound as if you have great support around you. And that's all your child needs. I'm not saying he can't see his mother but she sounds incapable of putting your child first let alone having him living with her. Just give yourself the credit as Mimi said that you are his primary career and parent.

Primary carer. Not career.

I think it's lovely that your DS gets to live with you and your brothers. Having family around is great for kids. Don't let people upset you or think there's an issue because it's not a conventional set up.

His grandparents sound out of order. You are his parent. My attitude to extended family is if they are nice they are worth making an effort for, if they make your life harder you don't need that when you are trying to bring up a young child.

If they are making your life hard on a regular basis don't feel bad about reducing contact. If his mum is really keen to facilitate their relationship she can take responsibility for that when she has contact.

Sometimes, if the family is toxic it is better for the child to have no contact with that family than to have someone from "that side". Please believe this. They sound very damaging.

Your older brother sounds strong and assertive. Thank God.

Please believe in yourself.