Friend's​ awkward plan-making behaviour

[ballofwax]

I need a reality check and or advice for how to address a long standing issue I'm having with a mum friend of mine. She and her DC live very close to us, and since our DC's were born (quite close in timing) we have seen a lot of each other. My issue is that periodically (it's happened 5 or 6 times in the last couple of years) when she and I make plans to meet up, either after the plans have been set or even as we're approaching our destination (cafe, whatever), she'll announce that another mum is coming along, or ask if it's ok with me if she invited someone else.

In general, these other mums are either mutual friends or acqaintances, and I don't intellectually have a problem with the idea of hanging out with them, but I hate being blindsided like this, feeling like I've made plans under false pretences. I'm relatively introverted, and feel uncomfortable being given so little time and space to make a decision about whether I want to hang out with somebody, especially when her question of whether I'm ok with an unexpected addition doesn't actually feel like a true question and just a formality? Like if I tried to push back and say I didn't want so and so coming for coffee, my reticence would be met with confusion, and I would feel like the person who was making things awkward, when I think this behaviour from her is the height of awkward rudeness?

I've tried fading things out with her and only responding to her invitations to get together, never initiating things myself, but we live so close to each other, and there are countless times in any given week when our paths might cross, that truly ghosting on the friendship isn't an option. There was one instance where I tried to push back, and said I'd prefer to keep our meetings one on one, but I definitely wasn't clear enough and my veiled attempt to get her to stop double booking her dates seems to have flown in one ear and out the other.

DH thinks I need to firmly call her out but we really do not have the type of friendship that accommodates that kind of critique. The fact that it keeps happening is making me seriously second guess my feelings and wonder if maybe this isn't as rude as I think it is? AIBU? And if not, how the hell do I respond to this and make it stop happening? Do I have to literally ask after every invitation if she's already planning on inviting someone else? I feel like I'll come off like an arsehole.

See Ecclesiastes' post above...

I would find it easy to understand if friend a didn't like friend b but if it's just that friend a likes to see me alone and also meets b alone I'd be a bit confused and actually worried about why we can't meet together - like there's some sort of secrets or conspiracy.
Unless a friend told me they were specifically in need of a serious chat or some support or advice 1:1.

I'm not saying my way is right and OP is wrong but just that you can't expect people to understand that you think it's rude.

If i were you OP I'd just get in touch before each meet up at whatever time you feel is enough notice (the night before?) and ask if anyone else is coming? It's a big tedious but maybe it'll become habit after a while.

I'm actually really amazed that yours considering trying to drop a good friend just because she sometimes invites other mutual friends (not even strangers) to coffee.

I hate it if anyone turns up with someone else in tow - I do 1 on 1, not groups. A friend of mine has done that to me a few times (despite knowing what I'm like) - including a complete stranger. Totally ruined the evening. He's a really sociable guy. I'm not.

Isn't it funny - I try to avoid meeting just one person, as I find it such hard work. I much prefer groups, and don't care if they are total strangers. DH hates groups and strangers.

Two or three times a year, when you see each other often, and it is a casual meet up with kids, and the other people are also friends isn't really bad behaviour on her part.

It does make you anxious though, so at a suitable moment, perhaps when you are discussing someone else being shy or something say 'I'm a bit like that, I love seeing x or y when we get together but I get freaked out when I haven't had time to get that plan in my head".

If you were arranging dinner without the kids in the evening and she regularly turned up with a mate you don't know, then "calling her out on it" might be a fair response. As it is, I think it is just a different approach to being sociable and you need to be careful not to over react.

I'm a PPF! That said, it depends on the context. If Sue, Jane and I are all part of the same circle and I've arranged to meet Sue, I might, if I bumped into Jane and was asked if I was free, mention it to her and invite her along, although I would text/tell Sue beforehand if I'd done so. If, however, I was meeting someone else not in that circle and I bumped into Jane who asked if I was free, I wouldn't dream of inviting her and would think it rude to do so.

The "I'm busy so need to combine" attitude is rude, I think, unless you are the person issuing the invitation and you make it clear that that is what you are doing from the off. Otherwise it smacks of "I'm too important just to spend time with boring old you", I think.

Maybe she finds being one on one with you too intense and likes to have other people along to dilute it a bit?

Oh dear i do this often! I only do it with people i know get on and it is usually dog walking rather than coffee.

I quite like 1 to 1 but another 1 or 2 is ok also. I find anymore than that a bit much.
I would just mention it casually.

Tbh, that crossed my mind too Wips, but it's only been 5 or 6 times in last few years

This may have already been said but it's an extrovert/introvert thing. I'm an introvert and don't like it if I've arranged to meet one friend/relative and they bring along another person, or ask if it's ok to do so. Eldest (introvert) DD is same as I am, youngest DD (extrovert) can't see what the problem is.

I dislike this too. It makes me feel uncomfortable and in my opinion, changes the nature of the get together and conversation. I had one friend who did it a lot and in the end I just told her. She was a bit taken back at first but then accepted that I don't like it and hasn't done it since other than asking me in advance on the odd occasion about bringing an extra person along. We are as good friends as ever and I'm so glad I told her. So I would suggest you just be honest with her and tell her you don't like it.

Thanks for everyone's responses. I'm definitely the type of person who prizes punctuality and making (and sticking to!) a plan, which I think goes hand in hand with my discomfort around this. (DH is me x10 in this respect, hence his advice on a call out ) This friend can be quite nonchalant about scheduling, which has also frustrated me in the past, so as I said in my initial follow up comment, I appreciate this is probably just a personality difference between us. I'm relieved to see that I'm not the only one who is bothered by this, though.