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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend's​ awkward plan-making behaviour

63 replies

ballofwax · 13/04/2017 13:10

I need a reality check and or advice for how to address a long standing issue I'm having with a mum friend of mine. She and her DC live very close to us, and since our DC's were born (quite close in timing) we have seen a lot of each other. My issue is that periodically (it's happened 5 or 6 times in the last couple of years) when she and I make plans to meet up, either after the plans have been set or even as we're approaching our destination (cafe, whatever), she'll announce that another mum is coming along, or ask if it's ok with me if she invited someone else.

In general, these other mums are either mutual friends or acqaintances, and I don't intellectually have a problem with the idea of hanging out with them, but I hate being blindsided like this, feeling like I've made plans under false pretences. I'm relatively introverted, and feel uncomfortable being given so little time and space to make a decision about whether I want to hang out with somebody, especially when her question of whether I'm ok with an unexpected addition doesn't actually feel like a true question and just a formality? Like if I tried to push back and say I didn't want so and so coming for coffee, my reticence would be met with confusion, and I would feel like the person who was making things awkward, when I think this behaviour from her is the height of awkward rudeness?

I've tried fading things out with her and only responding to her invitations to get together, never initiating things myself, but we live so close to each other, and there are countless times in any given week when our paths might cross, that truly ghosting on the friendship isn't an option. There was one instance where I tried to push back, and said I'd prefer to keep our meetings one on one, but I definitely wasn't clear enough and my veiled attempt to get her to stop double booking her dates seems to have flown in one ear and out the other.

DH thinks I need to firmly call her out but we really do not have the type of friendship that accommodates that kind of critique. The fact that it keeps happening is making me seriously second guess my feelings and wonder if maybe this isn't as rude as I think it is? AIBU? And if not, how the hell do I respond to this and make it stop happening? Do I have to literally ask after every invitation if she's already planning on inviting someone else? I feel like I'll come off like an arsehole.

OP posts:
1AnnoyingOrange · 13/04/2017 14:36

I wouldnt like this. Everytime we made plans I would be wondering at the last minute if other people would be invited.

Once I arranged to ring a friend (who I adore still) who is the opposite to me. We do meet sometimes just us and kids, but with opportunity she is always bringing other people and an organiser.
I said come along to X cafe tomorrow where I was going to meet 2 other mutual friends, I normally never do this to other people.
She mentioned asking another person to come too, I said ok (and texted the 2 mutuals) . . . When I arrived with the mutual friends, it was practically a school reunion with around 10 people, their kids and her parents.
We took up 1/2 the large cafe.
I could hardly get a chance to speak to the 2 mutual friends (who must have wondered why I hadnt mentioned the cafe full of old aquaintances) or her with the chaos of children/people I hadnt seen for years/ordering food /drinks for so many etc
I apologised but found one of the mutual friends seemed to be busy for a while after Sad and then moved away. So I think I have seen her once since. Sad

Ecclesiastes · 13/04/2017 14:41

Five or six times a year isn't 'once in a blue moon'!

Five or six times a year is loads.

YANBU, OP. I'd hate this. I have a small circle of close friends I only ever see 1:1. If one of them rocked up with a plus one I'd think they were a bit peculiar. It smacks of 'Oh, I'm so busy and popular I have to double-book my friends'. I'm afraid I'd let them crack on with it without me.

CognitiveIllusion · 13/04/2017 14:51

It's five or six times in a couple of years, so two or three times a year. And OP says they see each other a lot. So, really not that often!

Ecclesiastes · 13/04/2017 14:54

I stand corrected.

It would still piss me off though.

I am not in the 'more the merrier' camp when it comes to people. I'm firmly in the 'bare minimum I can get away with' camp.

carefreeeee · 13/04/2017 14:55

I think it's rude to ask other people without mentioning it to the person who thinks it's just the two of you.

I have friends that will invite others along, which is completely fine, or even an improvement, but I do like the warning even if I know them. It's normal for someone to say 'oh is it ok if so and so comes along' and then you either say yes of course (nearly always) or explain why not on this occasion.

carefreeeee · 13/04/2017 14:56

Just ask them who else is coming when she first invites you - that should get her thinking about it at an early stage

witsender · 13/04/2017 14:56

She isn't being rude, you just don't like it. If it has only happened 5 or 6 times in the last couple of years then it is hardly a 'calling out' issue. If you really feel so strongly about it that you would risk losing a friendship, I would just decline when she says about another person coming and say "ah, sounds lovely, but I'll give this time a miss thanks, I find 1-1 easier. Have a lovely time, how about next week?"

She'll get the message eventually.

Sparkletastic · 13/04/2017 15:00

Is the conversation easy and equally initiated when it is just the two of you?

lisaIambe · 13/04/2017 15:03

I think this is bizarre tbh. I regularly meet up with friends one on one and have never had anything like this. I would hate it; I generally am shyer around people I don't know when the other person knows them very well if that makes sense. I agree with pps, just say next time it would be really nice to catch up just the two of you and see how she takes that. If she's a true friend, she'll respect that.

AcrossthePond55 · 13/04/2017 15:12

I think when that when plans are made you should wind up the discussion by asking "And are you planning on asking anyone else?". If she says 'yes' ask who or at least know that it may happen. If she says 'no' say "Oh, that's good. I'm really looking forward to just the two of us having a nice chat".

archersfan22 · 13/04/2017 15:24

I once did this with a playdate I'd arranged with friend A and child. Friend B (doesn't know friend A) asked me the day before if I could have her child for an hour or so while she did something important. Friend B never asks for favours and I know she hasn't got any local family or other local friends so really wanted to help her, but I still checked with friend A first to make sure she didn't mind before I confirmed to Friend B that she could drop her child off with us. I think it's polite to check first, especially if the people concerned don't know each other (and not in a formality type way as you're walking in the door of the cafe!).

However I do also know that many people would struggle to see the problem with it so unless you really think it's something more complex (eg she's deliberately giving you the impression it's just the two of you because she thinks you won't come otherwise or something) then I would also take the view that she probably has no idea it's bothering you.

Ameliablue · 13/04/2017 15:27

I don't think she is being rude. She just has a different personality type and as you've not explained how you feel, she doesn't know. Don't call her out as that sounds like you are criticising her behaviour, just explain how and why you feel uncomfortable.

JuniDD · 13/04/2017 15:37

I hate this & also have a friend/acquaintance who does it. I try to remember to ask who else is coming at the planning stage, which can open the conversation up a bit. If I've got plans with her I know to expect some total random to be stood with her when I arrive. And I just don't make plans with her that often!

Grenoble124 · 13/04/2017 15:42

I think YABU and would love to be able to meet up with people. I'm in a new town and actively trying to make friends.

Ecclesiastes · 13/04/2017 15:49

I wonder if 'More the merrier' vs 'can we please stick to the plan' is one of those polarities like 'Lateness is no biggie' vs 'punctuality is vital'.

Or 'shoes on' vs 'shoes off'.

It could be the next Belbin. I'm a PPN. (Plan, Punctuality, oN). Other people might be MLFs. (More, Late, Off).

Imamouseduh · 13/04/2017 16:19

I really don't see the problem with this. Maybe she gets bored of one-on-one. But if it bothers you that much, just don't go when she does this. But TBH I would find you weird for pulling out.

hazelnutlatte · 13/04/2017 16:35

If I'm meeting a friend and then a mutual friend texts to see if I'm free that day then I'd invite them along - I had no idea that this might be a problem for some people! I would only do it if it was someone we both knew though. My friends all seem to do the same too. I'm talking about meeting for coffee with the kids, or going to soft play etc which is something we would do on a regular basis. If meeting an old friend I hadn't seen for ages then it would be different. OP I think you need to explain to your friend how you feel as she won't understand otherwise. Dropping her as a friend seems a bit extreme!

tigerdriverII · 13/04/2017 16:42

Well I'd fucking drop her like a stone: rude and tedious. What's to like. Just ignore all invitations and if you're caught up in one already just walk out of ransoms turn up

CognitiveIllusion · 13/04/2017 16:45

Ecclesiastes I'm MPF Smile

user1487947495 · 13/04/2017 16:51

She is not going to change. You just have to decide whether you want her as a friend enough to put up with it, or if you really cannot tolerate it then quietly drop her, by never ever being available for social activities she suggests. A compromise would be to sometimes accept her invitations but always expect that someone else be coming too.

minipie · 13/04/2017 17:05

I'm either PPN or PLN - depends on how late we're talking about.

Friday999 · 13/04/2017 17:06

OP - YANBU, I'd hate this sort of thing.

But you''ve had a good cross section of replies, and it's a 50/50 split in opinions.

picklemepopcorn · 13/04/2017 17:19

I think this is easier than it looks, actually. When you make the plan and book, say 'Just us, yes? I prefer it like that!' Then repeat every time you mention it.

When you are ready to open it out a bit, say 'shall we invite so and so, next time?'

She's just more fluid than you are about planning.

Alternatively, say closer to the time 'Have you invited anyone else this time? I like to know what to expect ahead of time.'

Also, if she invites someone close to the time without warning, just tell her that you won't make it this time. She'll soon get the hang of it!

QuiteUnfitBit · 13/04/2017 17:26

When you make the plan and book, say 'Just us, yes? I prefer it like that!'
Blimey, I'd feel totally stifled if someone said that! I think you're better to just say you're an introvert, and can't take the late change, because it's true.
I'm MPF!

Friday999 · 13/04/2017 17:52

MPF?

Wots that??

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