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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To find this really uncomfortable?

77 replies

lemonzest123 · 13/04/2017 12:44

I just heard a fascinating piece on the radio about people offering free rent accommodation in their homes in exchange for sex, especially in London.

I had a quick Google and there are tonnes of ads on Craigslist. I had no idea people did this!

One person was making the argument that it's a contract between consenting adults and therefore ok but I can't help but think how vulnerable you'd need to be to think it was a good idea. Especially as all the ads seem to stipulate girls should be young. I attach my least fav!

I'm in the office on my own today and have no one to bounce thoughts off. What does MAN think?

OP posts:

Funnyfarmer · 14/04/2017 12:16

What world could possibly think I live in?
And to suggest than I'm an abuser, lacking in empathy or a mysogonist simply because i have different veiw point is absolutely uncalled for.
Do you not think for one minute I might just have a different opinion to other people because I've just had different life experiences? Or is it just easier to assume I'm a bad person or thick?
Would say a gold digger is a victim of abuse? I really can't see much difference. He wants something, she wants something

Mutual understanding.
Some women can have un emotional sex without feeling abused.

peaceout · 14/04/2017 12:22

Gold digger
Hahahaha
This can only be a very very low rent version of gold digging which hardly falls into the gold digging category

Are you seriously suggesting that someone so desperate for a roof over their head as to respond to one of those ads is the exploiter and not the exploited😲

peaceout · 14/04/2017 12:34

Some women can have un emotional sex without feeling abused
indeed, and were I such a woman with an inclination to trade sex for accommodation I would set my price at something like one sexual encounter for one weeks rent of a whole premises to myself.

No way would I offer sex on tap in exchange for a room in someone place.

These are men who cannot find anyone willing to have sex with them, they dont want to pay the fee's that a sex worker would charge and so they are targeting the vulnerable and desperate who are always the easiest to exploit

peaceout · 14/04/2017 12:37

He wants something, she wants something
no, he wants something, she needs something, a roof over your head is a much more fundamental need, without a safe secure place to live life falls apart very quickly

dont pretend you dont understand the glaring power imbalance

Funnyfarmer · 14/04/2017 13:11

Ok we're obviously never going to agree that's fine. I just thought that maybe someone would at least try to see it from different angle. I really can see where all coming from. I just see different.
Is it not the reason op posted to see different veiw points?
As for the power balance women use sex to gain power all the time.
For me can't see the difference in having sex with someone for a Gucci handbag or having sex with someone for a week's rent and more.
I'm not familiar with the part of London. Is it a nice area?

ArcheryAnnie · 14/04/2017 13:14

As for the power balance women use sex to gain power all the time.

I don't think the world "power" means what you think it means.

Funnyfarmer · 14/04/2017 13:20

'These are men who cannot find anyone willing to have sex with them, they dont want to pay the fee's that a sex worker would charge and so they are targeting the vulnerable and desperate who are always the easiest to exploit'

How much money could he make from renting a room out in normal circumstances in that part of London? Enough for a prostitute?
I could just as easy find a full paying tennent and use abuse and empower them.
In my experience abusers don't tell you they only want you for sex and house chores there much more cunning than that.
He just want someone who is willing to cook, fuck and do the washing up. As someone said before I no marriages with a similar understanding. Wife keeps quite does as she is told and she keeps a nice lifestyle

peaceout · 14/04/2017 13:26

Funnyfarmer I have the impression (based on your SPAG) that English isn't your first language?

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 14/04/2017 13:41

Funnyfarmer a women who is tying to get away from abuse, street prostitution, a financially difficult situation is in a vulnerable position

This just put them in another vulnerable position as when he is bored with the live in sex slave/cleaner he can and will kick her out then what happens and that can be after one day or one month. What she going on to do report him to the police ? Take him to court ? He is in control completely don't want anal sex then pack your bags, I agreed to sex once a week now I want it everyday you don't like it pack you bags, I like to act out my fantasies they make you uncomfortable I really don't care it's a business agreement do it or pack your bags or shall we pretend these men are caring good souls who just want to help a woman out will getting a little back in return

Some women can have detached no emotions involved sex but when they are in a vulnerable position they have no power in the relationship

Funnyfarmer · 14/04/2017 13:51

"when he is bored with the live in sex slave/cleaner he can and will kick her out then "
True of any relationship.
I've just shown the original post to dp. He thinks pretty much the same as me.
He even joked I could save my self £650 a month by doing pretty much what I do now apart from there's a chance I could be taken out and maybe spoiled now and again which is more than can be said for what I get at home.
Anyway I'm going to bow out of this gracefully now as I've made my point. And have nothing more to day on the matter. I feel like the person insults and assumption about me and my life are about to start.
So I'll bid you farewell and wish you all a happy Easter

MrsLupo · 14/04/2017 13:55

Any women who takes him up on this offer will no exactly what is expected from her so why would she move in and refuse to have sex with him?

I have Asperger's. At 18 or 19 years of age, living in London on a student grant, I would totally have fallen for the lure of this ad without understanding the subtext. I would have thought it was a nice person with a house far enough out of town that it couldn't command a high rent anyway, needing a bit of company and help around the house. I would have walked into that encounter with my eyes totally closed, and god knows what would have happened next. If this isn't illegal it should be. And the London housing market is obscene.

Funnyfarmer · 14/04/2017 14:16

Sorry I know I said I was gonna leave it. I'll turn my notifications off after this as to avoid intisment.
As a qualified holistic therapies i one applied for a job in a massarge parlour it didn't take me long to figure out what the actual job was so I declined. Just because I'd applied I wasn't in anyway obliged to job.

If for example I decided today. I've had enough of dp. And actually I would stand a really good chance of furthering my career in London. The savings id make on rent and house hold bills plus the extra money I could make in my career. And who knows might even get a few expensive gifts throwen in too.
With that money I could expand my business, pay for further education. Maybe even learn better English so I'm taken more seriously in debates.
Would I really have any right to cry abuse if it all doesn't go my way? Would I really be able to take him to court because I didn't like his sexual preferences?

Nairsmellsbad · 14/04/2017 14:20

I was shocked to hear about these ads and even more astonished to hear that they are legal

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 14/04/2017 14:22

No it is not true if any relationship as a good relationship is built on respect for each other

This isn't it is an arrangement that takes advantage of a women in a vulnerable position

MrsLupo · 14/04/2017 14:28

As a qualified holistic therapies i one applied for a job in a massarge parlour it didn't take me long to figure out what the actual job was so I declined.

Are you neurotypical, Funnyfarmer? If so, you're potentially much less vulnerable to exploitation than others. Well done.

RainbowsAndUnicorn · 14/04/2017 14:30

So he wants a housewife without marriage and chidren.

Given the other thread running where women are teaching their daughters to marry for what the man can provide, is it really much different?

Chippednailvarnishing · 14/04/2017 14:35

Farmer I think you've been watching Pretty Woman once too often.

SecretNortherner · 14/04/2017 14:39

I'm sure I saw an advert a few years ago, some middle aged man was looking for someone to pretend to be his girlfriend in exchange for gig tickets. Think reading and Leeds festival style, but in the us. He stimulated age 21-25, fashion sense, had to wear specific clothes. they also had to say specific phrases spontaneously such as 'oh wow your amazing' it was all VERY creepy.

Funnyfarmer · 14/04/2017 14:51

Sorry had to Google neurotypical. This is the result not displaying or characterized by autistic or other neurologically atypical patterns of thought or behaviour.
"neurotypical individuals often assume that their experience of the world is either the only one or the only correct one"
I have been told I display autistic tendancys. But as for assuming the my veiw of the world is the only correct one. I've already said I can see your pov it seems like no one can understand mine. Does that not make them think there veiw of the world is the only one? Because people are absolutely disregarding my pov

I've watched pretty woman once when I was about 10. Not really my thing

MrsLupo · 14/04/2017 15:19

I appreciate English isn't your first language, Funnyfarmer so I'll be patient.

I am asking if you're neurotypical because you seem to have entirely failed to grasp the vulnerability of anyone on the autistic spectrum (i.e. not neurotypical) in relation to an advert like this. Despite the fact that I explained how I (as someone who is not neurotypical) would have been caught out by this ad, when I was younger and less aware of how easily I can misinterpret commonly understood yet not directly expressed information. You seem very sure that 'every woman' would understand what is being exchanged here, when in fact that's not the case. Anyone non-neurotypical could be placed in real danger by answering an ad like this. It makes me shudder to think how easily that could have been me. I was lucky, I suppose, that the London housing market hadn't turned into such a bubble of insanity when I was at that age/stage. It makes me worry for my children, some of whom will be similarly vulnerable in just a few years.

I am surprised that as a non-native English speaker, you aren't more sympathetic to anyone who fails to appreciate subtext easily. No one is disregarding your pov, but now that a few people have countered it, can you not see your pov may be less valid than you first thought?

Funnyfarmer · 14/04/2017 15:38

No I absolutely stand by my initial pov.
As I've said I totally understand where other people are coming from and not tried to twist anything they say. Vunrable people could be easily subjected to abuse from anywhere! From answering any lonley heart advert or house share advert or indeed any advert in the classifieds or social media
Surely you can't disagree that this poster has done everything he can to make his intentions clear without being explicit.

A lot of people with sn have great support network in this day and age and would almost never move into strangers house with consulting there support network. Weather that be friends, family or ss
Of course if for some reason they don't have the support network then of course that leaves them very vunrable to everyone
Not just people who want a different type of arrangement

Funnyfarmer · 14/04/2017 16:10

Since I've posted on this thread I've been accused of being an abuser, lacking in empathy, disingenuous, misogynistic, non British and having some kind of mental health problems. Non of which are true. Even if they was does my opinion any less than anyone else's?
Tell me would my language, spelling and grammar even have been brought up if I was agreeing with you?
I don't care that nobody agrees with me I doesn't change my opinion. What does bother me is people seem to think I must have wrong with me or I don't understand what is being said in order for me to have a different opinion.

MrsLupo · 14/04/2017 16:41

Who said you had mental health problems?

Lesley1980 · 14/04/2017 18:01

I was renting in 2006 & this sort of stuff was on gumtree. Gumtree used to have a men/women seeking section & some of it was just basic no strings sex but other stuff was just abuse really.

crispandcheesesandwichplease · 14/04/2017 18:42

It's vile, an abuse of power and exploitation of people with few housing options. In particular, though not exclusively, the abuse of young women by men who are lucky enough to have a roof over their heads.

Doesn't matter how people like Farmer try to justify and normalise it, it's an abusive transaction between two people holding significantly different power.

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