should DD age 3 get to decide who kisses her?

[usernamechange6579]

I have a DD, 3. She is bright and articulate for her age, and quite confident.

I live near DM and step-father. Several times recently, when we visit and are saying goodbyes, step-father tries to grab DD and give her a goodbye kiss. DD then shouts no, get off (or similar). Step-father then tries to hold her tighter, turn her or whatever and insist he get a kiss. He's playing around a bit, treating it like a joke - but at the same time holding her so she can't get away, which makes her shout louder and still refuse the kiss.

I want DD to be able to have her own boundaries, and want her to grow up thinking/knowing that when she doesn't want to be touched, kissed or whatever - by anyone - and says so, that should be respected. So the latest time this happened, I loudly said 'it's ok DD you don't have to have a kiss if you don't want one.' Step-father let go when I said that, but looked annoyed at me.

DD willingly lets DM kiss her.

I am a LP so DD doesn't really have many men around. She's quite happy playing with step-father apart from this one thing.

AIBU to say she should get to choose who kisses her, even at age 3?

YANBU I always told my girls they don't have to hug or kiss anyone if they don't want to, from a very young age. This goes hand in hand with teaching them that their bodies are private etc.

As long as they use their manners and say goodbye, then that's ok. I wouldn't kiss or hug anyone if I didn't want to, so I don't expect my children to either.

Really interesting thread. Something I'd never really considered. Both my boys are very affectionate and happy to kiss/ lick most people.

I'm wondering about the flip side- teaching my child that I don't like him groping my boob. He's 3.5 and it's still a comfort for him to stick his hand down my bra. I absolutely hate it, but he's a little child with no ill intention.

Wondering if it is worth me trying to convince him to stop.

YANBU. I get really annoyed when dm blackmail Ds for kisses. It's never too early for children to learn they have a choice, and that nobody should be forcing kisses, or any other physical contact on them.

Blazed I personally do, I tell my DS not to grab me and sometimes ask him not to kiss me because "I don't want to have my boob grabbed " or "I don't want to be kissed so much right now" it may sound odd to others but I'm not a very affectionate person and I very much need my own space in regards to being touched, so I teach my DS that his body is his, and my body is mine, and just as he doesn't Always want a cuddle and that's okay, sometimes mummy doesn't either and that that's okay too.

I really feel that bodily autonomy is one of the most important lessons we can teach our children.

Blazed absolutely if you hate it, then explain that to DS. DD3 is only 14 months and does the same - although she plays with my nipple I gently say no and remove her hand and if she does it again I pop her off my lap.

We have taught our girls that it's "my body, my choice." Sometimes backfires when DD1, who is 5, uses it as an excuse to kick her sister "But I want my foot to be there and it's my body my choice!" but we have also taught them that the one saying no gets power of veto. Of course, you have to model the behaviour yourselves, too.

YANBU - absolutely not at all.

I remember being 14 and my parents forcing me to dance with a grown up man on holiday. I didn't want to. Why were they not on my side? As an adult I've had constant trouble setting boundaries with people. I wonder why

Thanks everyone, have been a bit distracted since posting yesterday but reassuring to read your replies.

A generational thing - yes possibly. Weirdly, some of the posts here jogged my memory of something that I didn't like once before. When DD was a baby (under 1) and when saying goodbye he gave her a kiss - but not on the cheek like DM, directly on the mouth. I remember being shocked at the time, and upset as even I had not kissed DD i.e. my own baby that way, and wouldn't have thought to do that. I didn't say anything, but remember he did it then looked at me bizarrely.

Not meaning to drip feed, I hadn't recalled that before. Not that it's in any way to do with DD aged 3, but I guess it's another example of over-stepping some kind of boundary, in my mind (though may be completely normal for other families - I have no idea).

YANBU and I think it's weird that your SF is being so insistent.