Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

should DD age 3 get to decide who kisses her?

58 replies

usernamechange6579 · 12/04/2017 17:31

I have a DD, 3. She is bright and articulate for her age, and quite confident.

I live near DM and step-father. Several times recently, when we visit and are saying goodbyes, step-father tries to grab DD and give her a goodbye kiss. DD then shouts no, get off (or similar). Step-father then tries to hold her tighter, turn her or whatever and insist he get a kiss. He's playing around a bit, treating it like a joke - but at the same time holding her so she can't get away, which makes her shout louder and still refuse the kiss.

I want DD to be able to have her own boundaries, and want her to grow up thinking/knowing that when she doesn't want to be touched, kissed or whatever - by anyone - and says so, that should be respected. So the latest time this happened, I loudly said 'it's ok DD you don't have to have a kiss if you don't want one.' Step-father let go when I said that, but looked annoyed at me.

DD willingly lets DM kiss her.

I am a LP so DD doesn't really have many men around. She's quite happy playing with step-father apart from this one thing.

AIBU to say she should get to choose who kisses her, even at age 3?

OP posts:

VestalVirgin · 12/04/2017 17:49

I agree with you but I don't think your stepfather was doing anything he thought would harm or upset her.

What? You can't be serious. He damn well knew he was upsetting her! He knew he had to hold her so she couldn't get away because she wanted to get away.

I wouldn't leave him alone with the child, to be honest.

What kind of person holds a struggling child to force a kiss on her?

When I was five years old I was quite upset and hurt that the new baby in the family would cry when I wanted to hold her. Obviously, I reacted by not wanting to hold her anymore, and sulking a bit. Because I was five.

An adult man who does not only complain that the child doesn't want to kiss him, but just outright ignores her protests is, sorry, creepy.

Monkeyface26 · 12/04/2017 17:53

Dd2 didn't like kissing any men at that age, even Daddy, because they were scratchy. Once we knew what her reasons were, it was much easier for everyone to respect. I think uncles, grandparents etc were a bit bothered until they knew it wasn't personal. We encouraged her to blow kisses whenever she preferred and, once she knew she wasn't going to be pressured into kisses, she got more confident to offer a hug.

titianlove · 12/04/2017 17:54

YANBU but does step father really "grab" her?

Trifleorbust · 12/04/2017 17:55

VestalVirgin:

I won't be responding to any of your posts, Vestal, given how confrontational I have found you to be on other threads.

titianlove · 12/04/2017 17:56

vestal

I wouldn't leave him alone with her

Why? Do you think he'll harm her? I think THAT is a massive over reaction

harderandharder2breathe · 12/04/2017 17:58

Yanbu

No child should be forced to give hugs or kisses if they don't want to!

curlycat · 12/04/2017 17:59

My DN has never wanted me to kiss him. So we always have 'hugs no kisses' . He's nearly 7 and has recently started to give me a kiss goodbye which is lovely but we've always just followed his lead

luckylucky24 · 12/04/2017 18:02

I have been teaching my son since about 3 that he choses who gets to kiss/cuddle/etc. This extends to tickling. If he says stop we stop.

WingsofNylon · 12/04/2017 18:02

I feel so uncomfortable when my friends try to get their DC to kiss me hello or goodbye. If they do it of thier own accord then fine but why force it? At the most I could jsut about be okay with children being told to give hand shakes, at least that is a fair bit of distance in is more accepted as a non intimate greeting.

If talk to him and explain you are teaching her body autonomy.

carefreeeee · 12/04/2017 18:03

She probably just doesn't like the kiss part. If he makes her she will not allow a hug either. Let her decide (as long as she will politely say goodbye then shouldn't be expected to do anything more)

Love51 · 12/04/2017 18:11

Yanbu.
I also won't let mine kiss /tickle / wrestle each other if anyone is uncomfortable with it. My mum had this rule, and in think it helped me maintain healthy boundaries.

There are things they HAVE to do, and I've not been above forcing dc2 into a car seat, removing them when necessary, enforcing handholding near a road. But the kissing thing is just 'what adult man wants is more important than what you want'. Ugh!

Ilovewillow · 12/04/2017 18:23

YANBU - we don't ever force our children to participate in physical contact if they don't want to. We always ask them to say goodbye/ hello etc politely but other than that it's their choice. My son who is nearly 4 is really affectionate and cuddly but doesn't like kissing me or his sibling goodnight but will happily kiss you all day long. We always pre-empt if it looks like they don't want to hug or kiss goodbye but mentioning it so not one feels awkward.

donquixotedelamancha · 12/04/2017 18:38

You are dead right, OP. It's really important that children learn that only they have agency over their own bodies. From as soon as she could choose, DD1 has had the choice to refuse if she wants. She's told that she has to do high fives and say goodbye, but never made to hug or kiss.

It was horrid for me for a while, through a phase of only wanting affection from DP. It has meant some rows: DP wanted to bribe her to gives kisses, Grandparents think she should be made to.

donquixotedelamancha · 12/04/2017 18:42

"I wouldn't leave him alone with her
Why? Do you think he'll harm her? I think THAT is a massive over reaction"

Yeah, in my family and friends I'm in the minority view. It's just a cultural (and generational) difference- nothing sinister.

nuttyknitter · 12/04/2017 18:56

Can you suggest a high five or a wave instead?

sticklebrix · 12/04/2017 19:06

YA absolutely NBU.

Your step father probably doesn't realise where you are coming from. Frame it differently and explain carefully.

He is currently the only man in DD's life able to support her in learning bodily autonomy. An important role model to be, as she is likely to come across men who push boundaries in the future.

sticklebrix · 12/04/2017 19:07

But yes, she should be taught to say goodbye politely as an alternative.

pigsknickers · 12/04/2017 19:21

It's already been said plenty, but no, you are absolutely nbu. What message is she learning otherwise - that someone else desire to touch her overrules her desire not to be touched.
I can well remember the skin-crawly feeling of having to kiss a certain uncle when I was small, yuck. Girls are so conditioned to please those around them and ignore their own feelings when it comes to physical contact, and it's so damaging. Your relative's hurt feelings are not the priority here.

SailAwayWithMeHoney · 12/04/2017 19:27

YANBU.

If she does not want to be kissed, hugged, etc, she should have her "No" respected. Every single time. I agree with pps about asking her if she'd like to hi-five or wave goodbye instead.

My friends OH has known my 4yo DS for ages, DS loves him and jumps at every chance to spend time with him. But he won't hug him goodbye. He'll hug my friend, but he won't hug her OH. FOH was upset at first, but as harsh as it sounds that's not my problem, or DS' problem, and FOH is an adult. The last thing I ever want is for my kid to feel is that someone bigger than them can override their body autonomy, that they have to comply with someone elses wishes even after they have said no.

GinAndTalented · 12/04/2017 19:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BellyBean · 12/04/2017 19:52

DD is just 3 and for a long time hasn't wanted kisses from anyone. So she gets hugs, but mostly I say love you! Whenever I want to kiss her. She'll often unpromoted say it to me, and is keen to say Love you too.

Disappointing she's not tactile but it's her body.

buntingqueen · 12/04/2017 20:13

I never really saw the issue with this when it was family, but having someone we didn't know very well who had dementia, quite frequently being very adamant that he wanted a kiss from my DD, and her being frightened by this, I have seen it in a different light. I now don't push her to kiss anyone, not even GPs unless she wants to.

toffeeboffin · 12/04/2017 20:15

YANBU.

TupperwareTat · 12/04/2017 20:18

DD3 says - Get off me/Dont touch me.

Ive told her she must say it loudly.

She asked if she has to say please?

I said, definately not. You do not have to at all.

She has since told someone very loudly to get off her (tickling)

Andrewofgg · 12/04/2017 20:34

YANBU - of course - but you are going to have to explain carefully to DSF that that's the rule: nobody kisses her without asking her first and she decides.

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread