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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Commitment

28 replies

disconnecteddrifter · 11/04/2017 14:56

I really love my boyfriend. He is kind, considerate and shows me love in many ways but it bothers me that I don't think he is committed to me. He wants to move in together but doesn't beleive in marriage so I suggested we get a discrete tattoo to show our commitment. He absolutely refuses. Citing reason from his mum won't like it (she wouldn't have to see it) to it's just not his thing. Aibu to think he could get a tattoo as no one but us would see it? I think he's worried about breaking up in the future and this makes me feel he isn't committed.

OP posts:
Rainybo · 11/04/2017 15:04

YABU Tattoos aren't commitment. Please tell me it won't be your names?

No one should have a tattoo they don't want. He is saying his mum won't like it and he is saying he won't like it.

You sound quite needy, perhaps you would benefit from working on your self esteem and staying in the moment rather than fearing what the future might bring you.

MrsTerryPratchett · 11/04/2017 15:06

How old are you two? Because the 'mum' stuff and showing commitment with tattoos sounds VERY young.

DonaldStott · 11/04/2017 15:09

You cant make someone get a tattoo that they don't want.

It sounds a bit immature on your part. Kind of like saying 'prove it' about his commitment to you.

If you feel insecure, how would him getting a tattoo change this?

He won't be 'branded' and belong to you because you have matching tattoos.

Just ask him if he sees a future with you and if not, you will have to move on.

FishInAWetSuitAndFlippers · 11/04/2017 15:12

Tattoos mean nothing. It isn't commitment at all.

I know countless people who have had names tattooed on them that have been lasered off, scored out or tattooed over. Some have had multiple names.

You can't try and emotionally blackmail someone into getting a tattoo.

Leapfrog44 · 11/04/2017 15:16

Getting a tattoo is the kiss of death -why would you tempt fate like that? I'm married and committed but I'd never get one of his name, something would go wrong!

Are you under 30 btw?

Original poster
disconnecteddrifter · 11/04/2017 15:18

Yeah that's what I thought. I'm in my 40s! I have suspected I have self esteem issues and said the tattoo thing on a whim but then when he refused I took it as a rejection. I keep pushing him away with things like this but think that if he loved me seriously he wouldn't object so strongly.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 11/04/2017 15:19

Getting tattoos for that reason is really wank OP. Why do you want him to prove it so much? Can't you just go with the flow and enjoy your relationship?

MrsTerryPratchett · 11/04/2017 15:27

I love my DH more than anything and would walk on fire for him and DD. I'd never tattoo their names on myself. And I'd be horrified if DH suggested my commitment to him wasn't real because I didn't.

'If you loved me' doesn't work. It doesn't prove anything except manipulation. And it costs you a small amount of their love every time.

You need to work on your stuff.

Original poster
disconnecteddrifter · 11/04/2017 15:30

Yeah he said it was manipulationSad I really feel rejected tho. He also doesn't want to get married which before I was with him I didn't either. I don't get it. He is so kind to me always makes sure I'm happy, makes me tea in the morning, makes his plans around me, cooks for me etc but I just don't feel he is committed and I keep pushing him away by asking for things like this. Any advice on how to get a better self esteem/chill? .

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 11/04/2017 15:32

You said you didn't want to get married and now you are upset he doesn't want to get married? Confused
You can't demand someone gets a tattoo! Shock
How long have you been together?

TwitterQueen1 · 11/04/2017 15:35

Stop relying on other people to make you happy / content. That is my advice.

The only person who can complete you, is you. When you are happy in your own skin you can love other people unconditionally, without demanding ridiculous 'tokens' like a tattoo. How on earth do you think a tattoo is going to keep you together for years? Marriage doesn't do it either.

peachgreen · 11/04/2017 15:37

I think it's perfectly sensible to not know if you want to make a life-long commitment to someone before you've lived together. That said, if marriage is something you want and it's not something he ever wants, then you have a fundamental difference and it's possible that you won't be able to find a compromise that works for you both.

FABpMummy · 11/04/2017 15:37

If he wants to move in together that does demonstrate a commitment. Just make sure there is clarity about the legal/financial aspects of it as well as the division of labour. Far more meaningful than a tattoo.

Original poster
disconnecteddrifter · 11/04/2017 15:45

This has been so helpful so thank you to everyone who's given advice. We've been together for 2 years and he wants to move in but doesn't see the need to be married except for that it means something to me so he is happy to do so. I want someone to love me enough that they want me to not just to please me iyswim? I've been really struggling and it's making me depressed. Or maybe I'm depressed so I am seeing everything as a rejection. After posting here I'm thinking the latter.

OP posts:
Emphasise · 11/04/2017 15:49

I wouldn't want to marry someone who tried to pressure me into having a tattoo I didn't want, I'd be running for the hills.

That said,if being married before living together is important to you, don't move in with him. His view on that is unlikely to change once he's got you where he wants you

ParmaViolets17 · 11/04/2017 16:11

"he wants to move in but doesn't see the need to be married except for that it means something to me so he is happy to do so."

I don't want to get married. Don't see the point of it, never felt the urge, don't like weddings. I'm single - this is nothing to do with any potential future partner, this is me. For me to say " "it means something to me so he is happy to do so." would be a massive massive deal. Maybe it is for him too? Just because it would be a compromise for you doesn't mean it wouldn't be a compromise for him too. Because he loves you.

MrsTerryPratchett · 11/04/2017 16:30

My mum used to do that whole, "I don't just want you to do x, I want you to want to". That way lies madness. Wanting control of the inside of someone else is not OK. He can feel any way he likes. His ACTIONS are loving and kind.

Counselling? Because something is making you insecure and unhappy and it doesn't sound like it's him. He sounds sweet.

Original poster
disconnecteddrifter · 11/04/2017 18:26

So it's a good thing he'll marry me because it's important to me? Isn't that forcing him too?
I've taken onboard everything will try and sort my shit out

OP posts:
Original poster
disconnecteddrifter · 11/04/2017 18:27

Yes trying to organise counselling ATM coincidentally or hopefully before it's not too late and I've driven him away

OP posts:
NeonGod73 · 11/04/2017 18:28

Do not get a tattoo. Every Tom Dick and Harry has one. And how the hell does it show commitment? Are you 16?

MrsTerryPratchett · 11/04/2017 18:30

Well if he's not bothered and you are, that's fine. A little different to making him stick needles in his skin Grin

You'll be OK.

Madwoman5 · 11/04/2017 23:15

I have been with my dh for over 30 years and he will not get my name tattooed alongside our kids names - we joked about it and he said I will be with him til we expire but the kids will eventually leave... Nothing to do with commitment and he is right. A tattoo is not a sign of commitment. Commitment is down to a determination that you will be together through thick and thin, supporting one another, making one another laugh and always being honest.

Chinnygirl · 11/04/2017 23:29

His body his choice.

You sound a bit immature about this. I think that you have more issues going on. Maybe you should talk to a professional to sort everything out.

Voice0fReason · 11/04/2017 23:30

I wouldn't get a tattoo for anyone - including my DH of 22years!

You need to learn to be happy in the relationship without needing grand signs of commitment. It sounds like he's a good bloke and you enjoy being with him.

Original poster
disconnecteddrifter · 12/04/2017 08:37

Yes it is immature and reflecting I think a lot of my reactions are. I have researched and emailed a therapist and hopefully she replies soon.

Last night we had a disagreement again this time about our holiday as he wants to spend double the amount I had budgeted. It's so petty but I think I have pushed him away too far already. He spoke to me disrespectfully and we resolved it he apologised but I couldn't sleep until 3am. Thoughts that his behaviour had changed and he's less loving than he was all of a sudden towards me and I'm now certain our relationship will end. And I can't handle the thought of that.

OP posts:
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