AIBU to think my 20 year old just isn't suitable for university? (As much as she thinks she is!)

[Glazeee]

Hiya,

My 20 year old wants to start a Level 3 Extended Diploma in Applied Science (I think?) and then wants to do a Physics degree.

She finished school with okay GCSEs (8 Bs and Cs). She then went to that school's sixth form and studied 3 A levels. She didn't pass so left and started at a college where she did the exact same a levels but gave up 2 of them in her second year "because she just didn't have an interest in that field anymore" she finished the Maths one with a B. She has spent this last year earning some money and has saved about £5000? I'd say she is definitely more suited to stick with a job now and maybe look into apprenticeships or something like that. She is only in a little corner shop right now but clearly she seems more suited for the work life than study life?

AIBU to think some people are just not suitable for uni and that she is probably one of them?

For those saying its none of the OP's business because her DD is a big independent adult...ahem, I wonder who is paying the DD's living expenses, enabling her to save £5000 from a shop job. And I wonder who will be expected to pay the bills for the DD to do a diploma and degree, meaning she is going to be studying until her mid-20's. If the OP is going to be footing the bill, then she gets a say!
I wouldn't be funding a grown-up son or daughter who is just faffing about. There would need to be a real career plan and signs of commitment, not just dossing around, dropping in and out of courses and expecting infinite funding from the bank of mum and dad. There has to be a cut-off point. She could work and study with the OU, paying her own way. If she pays her own way, she's less likely to keep faffing.
I graduated at 22 and have been working full-time since. Not because I'm some sort of wonderful person, but simply because my working class family made it clear that I had one shot and that was it. The friends who dropped out and faffed tended to be those with soft parents with deep pockets.

Your 20-year-old DD is an adult and can make her own decisions. She'll have the rest of her life after university to take part in the world of work.

Do you think you're trying to hold on to the decision making as she's your youngest?

harshbuttrue

You may be right that the OP is being expected to fund her daughter, maybe that means she 'gets a say' on an investment and return basis!?

However in my year there is one person that paid for by parents. Everyone else has student finance and works.

A foundation year at a university followed by a 3 year undergraduate degree would be a good option. Did she try Physics at A Level. If she did and dropped out of it, then this might suggest that it is not the best choice for her.

It might be worth her while thinking beyond university. What would she like to do with her Physics degree? Does she envisage a career that requires Physics or Science at degree level? She is young and doesn't have to be able to answer these questions now, but if her answer to that is no and she also didn't get on with Physics at A Level then there might be other options that would suit her better.

What about a Maths degree? Also what about training as a chartered or certified accountant. It is possible to do that with only 3 GCSEs and 2 A Levels for some of the qualification routes and I expect there is a bit of flexibility, so she might be accepted. You can train while working and earning and it is professional qualification that opens the door to lots of well paid jobs.

I've worked in a technical field for the last 20 years, both in industry and academia. Some of the most talented and respected people I have worked with have taken the scenic route on their way (often taking much longer than your daughter). I wouldn't be so quick to write her off.

My best friend is the most gifted person I know academically speaking and she has the best grades my school ever got at gcse but she failed a level maths so please understand that she must be very bright to get that grade.

If the OP is going to be footing the bill, then she gets a say!

The OP could say "I'll give you moral and practical support in your decision, but you need to have a plan and work towards financing it". Instead she's saying "I know better than you what your abilities are. You are not academic. You shouldn't go to university". That's not having a say in it because she's paying the bill, that's undermining her child in a rather cruel way.

OP do you want her to mature and move on? Because it sounds as if you would like her to be the slightly less able one who will stay in a dead job in her home town, near her mum.

Might it be better for her to seek careers advice, do a few aptitude tests and see what she wants in the longer term? What is it about physics she enjoys? Aptitude tests are available free online - sadly careers advice isn't readily available any more though. Maybe online aptitude tests and her ex college careers staff for chat? Then decide on the right course for her.

I went the opposite way - got great GCSEs and A-Levels, then went straight to uni and got a 3rd. If I had a crappy job for a year, it might have given me more motivation to work at uni.

A low level job now will get her where in ten years from now? Open up what kinds of option? Not everyone is Alan sugar.

But some qualifications now will get her further. Give her some options.

She is a 20 year old adult, she should decide what she does. If she wants to go to uni and do physics, support her, not put her down. My mum was the same as you, she discouraged me from being a commercial pilot, as she thought I coukd not do it. I am resenting her ever since, it's harder to do it now I have kids and I am older.

And I wonder who will be expected to pay the bills for the DD to do a diploma and degree,

I've seen several threads saying this sort of thing on here recently, and it puzzles me a bit.

Maybe the posters aren't in the UK? Because the UK student loan system is intended to cover exactly this eventuality, and whilst the finances can be a bit tight, most of the students I know manage quite well to live off that. If her DM has had her living at home rent free, there's no reason why she should be more 'expensive' for her mum at uni!

The DD would end up with a sum to pay off, but thats her choice, and her decision, surely?

OP your daughter doesn't sound suitable for uni because although she's clearly bright, she seems like a lazy student and a bit fickle. Her degree will be made up of different core subjects and she won't be able to just ditch ones she doesn't like. I was the same way, uni just wasn't for me.

But if it's what she wants now you are being unreasonable to do anything but encourage her. She may find a passion for Physics and do brilliantly. Help her get ready, show an interest in her preparation and if it doesn't work out, don't be a 'told you so' mom.

just an FYI, i got really bad A level results, managed to still get into a university through a foundation degree first, and was sailing through it academically getting a first until i got Anxiety, depression and illegally evicted from the room i rented, which seriously damaged my degree classification (due to the foundation degree)

University is a completely different kettle of fish to other learning.

You are entitled to your opinions but this is her life. She's not your other children, her path is a different one and your refusal to accept this will poison your relationship, is being 'right' really worth damaging your relationship with your daughter?

Your expectations are probably feeding her indecision, BACK OFF!