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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friend and baby items, aibu/wwyd?

31 replies

sailorcherries · 10/04/2017 10:30

I had my DS almost 7 years ago and, being the first grandchild and great grandchild, had a lot of items gifted to us/we bought from new.

After DS outgrew them we stored everything in my parent's loft and, a few years ago, my parents decided to donate some of the items and sell the others second-hand (money was then put in to DS' bank for use when he is older). We managed to donate a lot of clothes to charity and sold things like the cotbed. In the end we had a pram, swinging crib, infant car seat, two older car seats and other bits and bobs left.

At Christmas 2015 a friend from university found herself unexpectedly pregnant after being told she couldn't have children (6 months gone). I let her know that I had these bits and bobs and she could use them if she wanted. She came and collected quite a lot of things including the pram, infant car seat, crib and some toys etc until she managed to get herself sorted.

I then met her a few months later with another friend and she mentioned having all the items in storage in her parents loft, was very thankful for them and it helped a lot. Her parents and PIL had bought a travel system etc that she was now using. She mentioned coming to visit and bringing the items back. That was around Easter 2016.

I'm now due in May this year. Since she found out there have been promises about coming to visit and bring the items to help out, as well as offering some of her own son's clothes as we've pretty much started from scratch again. Friend mentioned visiting at Christmas, February long weekend and then again during these holidays. It gets no further than "oh I'll see when I can get the car" and then nothing. I've offered to visit her but again "I'll see when I'm free" and nothing. I'm not going to see her just to get the items back it would be nice to catch up with her and see her little boy. I have even tried to arrange a coffee or cuppa out, just to see her, but I get the same results. However it would be nice to get the pram and infant car seat back as spares.

I'm starting to get really annoyed about the situation. The minute she needed help I offered and made arrangements, yet she's been fobbing me off for over a year. I feel like it's just all talk now and she doesn't even have the items. Aibu in getting annoyed? Wwyd? Do I just ignore her, move on and forget it? Do I keep pressing the matter?

At this point I'm not even sure about the friendship because she can't seem to be bothered making the effort to meet for a cuppa, never mind this.

OP posts:

Leeds2 · 10/04/2017 10:35

Are you sure that she still has the items?

Original poster

sailorcherries · 10/04/2017 10:42

The thought has actually crossed my mind that she doesn't and thinks that by bringing them up every so often will suffice.
If she didn't I'd rather she just told me.

OP posts:

storminabuttercup · 10/04/2017 10:45

Did you agree at the time that they were on loan? Do you think she got rid and is embarrassed as she didn't know you want them back?

TisMeTheLadFromTheBar · 10/04/2017 10:47

I would give her notice of you coming to collect your items and ask her to arrange to have the items ready. If she doesn't want to meet you that's fine but make it clear you want your items back because you need them. Be assertive but polite.

londonrach · 10/04/2017 10:49

I suspect the items have gone. Was it said at time it was a loan as you mention passing alot of charity and selling on so she might have been led to believe you had finished with the items. If shes a friend just gently ask out right. If the items have gone they gone sadly.

2014newme · 10/04/2017 10:49

Just tell her when you are coming "I'll be coming on Sunday morning to get the (list of baby items) as I need them now. See you at 11am"

BeyondThePage · 10/04/2017 10:50

just ask "do you still have x,y,z or did you get rid?"

and if she still has them, say I'm coming to get x,y,z is Tuesday ok? No? Wed? No? Thu? Give me a day I can come get my stuff please.

Or stew about it

Or forget it, restock yourself and move on.

Original poster

sailorcherries · 10/04/2017 10:51

storm she was the one that mentioned just borrowing them until she got sorted. She was then the one who mentioned giving them back. I've never actually asked it was more of a "oh congratulations, I still have the items and some of DS stuff, we can arrange a time to meet up and I'll bring them".
If she hadn't said I wouldn't have bothered but we've only went for one car seat etc as I assumed there would be this spare one.

tisme I would but she moved last year and I don't have her new address, the items are also at her parents house and not hers.

OP posts:

Sweets101 · 10/04/2017 10:52

I'd ask her outright if she still has them or if there is a problem

EggysMom · 10/04/2017 10:52

Yes, go for the direct approach of "I need them back, so I'll be collecting them on ..." and don't leave the conversation until you have a definite day/time.

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 · 10/04/2017 10:55

Turn up at 8 one morning. . .

Hi just passing, come to collect my items!!

Pigeonpost · 10/04/2017 10:56

Yup, direct approach. Say you need them back this week. No faffing with coffee and catch up, you just want your stuff!

NightWanderer · 10/04/2017 10:57

But the stuff is 7 years old, right? It's probably not in great condition now, so I'd just start over and if she wants to meet up for coffee then she'll contact you. I'd just assume the stuff is no longer available.

cansu · 10/04/2017 10:59

If you really want them you must ask her straight out if she still has them. If she says yes then say I would like to come and collect them and name your day. I think though they may have been given away and she 'doesn't want to tell you.

HecateAntaia · 10/04/2017 11:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Honeybee79 · 10/04/2017 11:01

Be polite but firm and direct, assuming you made it clear in the first place that they were on loan and not for keeps! "Hi X, hope you're well. I really need my [items] back asap. Do you still have them? I'm free to come and collect them and have a cuppa on a/b/c. If none of those dates work for you then I will send a courier to pick them up on [ ] as I need to get this sorted now. Thanks."

Original poster

sailorcherries · 10/04/2017 11:02

The stuff is old yeah but it would only be used as spares, just in case. It was quite an expensive pram with carry cot and pushchair but only used for less than a year before being professionally cleaned and stored away. Friend didn't even use it for 3 months.
The csr seat was also only used for a few months and then possibly a month or two with friend. So in terms of wear and tear it should be okay.

OP posts:

Honeybee79 · 10/04/2017 11:03

I would also say to her, "If you don't have them then please just tell me as I need to know!"

Original poster

sailorcherries · 10/04/2017 11:04

Yeah I think the direct approach is the best but I hate confrontation. Ah well!

OP posts:

Mulberry72 · 10/04/2017 11:07

Definitely the direct approach, tell her when you are coming to collect your things and if she becomes flustered then ask her if she still has the stuff or has she given it away or sold it.

Wando1986 · 10/04/2017 11:13

"Can you let me know when your parents will be in please? I need to come and collect my stuff as I am due at any point from now really. Things are tight and I need them, sorry if it's a hassle but I don't have a choice. We need them back"

Also due in May, OP! Early Summer babies ftw!

Spam88 · 10/04/2017 11:14

Yep, going to have to be direct!

I thought car seats are only good for a few years though because the polystyrene in them degrades or something? Worth checking.

Oldraver · 10/04/2017 11:22

A 7 year old car seat is to old to use. Storing it in a loft doesn't do it any good.

Get the pram back though

NightWanderer · 10/04/2017 11:22

I don't think the car seat would be any good anyway. You are only supposed to use them within 6 years of manufacture and you shouldn't use second hand as you can't know the history.

WLMcI · 10/04/2017 11:27

If she just moved house and has a toddler she could be genuinely busy, or perhaps she has given the stuff away. You can ask about it directly but without accusation, i.e. "Do you still have XYZ stuff? I have seen a great deal on X pram, which I will buy if you don't still have the one I gave you. Please let me know so I can act as I'm due soon and the deal is limited." Etc etc.

Honestly, when you give something to someone you have to take it on the chin if they don't give it back. It's a nice thing to do to lend someone stuff, but baby stuff gets broken or when they move house it gets cleared out, or maybe there are other issues you don't know aboutmaybe they are ttc again and had hoped to hang onto it! (That might be way off the mark, it's just a way of giving you a different perspectiveI hoarded some secondhand stuff before having a miscarriage, which almost no one knew about as it was just before 12 weeks. And I'd feel awful if people asked for it back because they were assuming I wouldn't be using it after all). Consider that your friendship is worth more than some spare stuff is all I'm saying, and tread lightly!

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