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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have a budget bridal shower and hen party for my best friend?

69 replies

Lifechanging2017 · 10/04/2017 09:27

My best friend is getting married this summer and I am the maid of honour. She is a having a very traditional wedding and really wants to have both a bridal shower and hen do (which the bridal party is responsible for hosting). I want to give her everything she wants to make the time leading up to her wedding extra special, but her wedding is already costing a lot of money for the wedding party. I have to fly across the world for her wedding (it's in the US) and the bridesmaid dresses she wanted are way over our budget. I really can't afford to spend a lot of money hosting the bridal shower and hen do and so I am trying to come up with a way to do both of these things without spending too much money. We have to have both events the weekend before the wedding, otherwise it would involve me having to fly to America twice over the summer. So far, for the hen party, I am thinking of just doing cocktails at the brides favourite cocktail bar where the bridal party would be responsible for buying the brides drinks and food but everyone else would responsible for their own food and drinks. The bride isn't big into drinking a lot or partying and her mum and the grooms mum will be attending so we want to keep it respectable and not embarrass her.

For the bridal shower, I am hoping that her mum will offer the use of her house for the shower as a free venue and if not seeing if we can rent out space in the local park (that has a lovely white gazebo) and doing just a two hour late afternoon gathering with her friends and female relatives. I was hoping we could get away with the event being alcohol free to keep cost down and then just baking lots of lovely desserts and doing sandwiches and salads. AIBU for doing this?

I am worried that we will come off as cheap for not spending loads, but to be honest I am feeling a lot of pressure already because the cost of this wedding keep going up.

I am also trying to come up with fun games for everyone to play at the shower (I hate shower games so I am struggling to come up with any) and I am worrying that the hen do will be boring.

Do you think we have to provide little party favours for the guest at the bridal shower?

What does everyone think?

OP posts:

Sunnysidegold · 10/04/2017 17:48

Oh dear I feel for you op! If you are going to go ahead with both then just keep things simple. Hen party - can't you just have a night out, maybe a meal where everyone pays their own ways and chips in for bride? Shower - simple punch and snacks aS someone mentioned above. There's loads of easy games which cost v little and can fill the time if you think that's what shed like.

How about taking that marriage advice idea and putting it all into a scrapbook - put in pictures from her hen night, keepsakes from the night etc. Or if you have time, get all the guests to shower to email you their favourite family recipe- stick them all together with the marriage advice and then you would have a pretty thoughtful gift.

I hate organising things because even the cheapest get togethers can get expensive when you have to start shelling out for napkins and paper plates and balloons and crap. Let us know what you decide!

MorrisZapp · 10/04/2017 17:53

Who the fuck are this 'bridal party' you're conferring with? They sound terrifying. Do they operate out of a bunker?

HoneyBeeMum1 · 10/04/2017 20:25

I know what a hen do is, but what is a bridal shower? I thought it was the American equivalent of a hen do.

What is the difference and why do you have to do both?

Weddings seem to be ridiculously drawn out nowadays.

Trifleorbust · 10/04/2017 20:42

I wouldn't do this. I would politely explain that I hadn't understood how much expense would be involved when I agreed to be Maid of Honour, and I am not willing to meet the costs out of my own pocket. Sorry etc. She sounds unreasonable so this is unlikely to be received much worse than putting on a party she isn't happy with, and it will cost you far less. I would tell her I will happily do the ceremonial parts and turn up to a simple shower hosted by her family OR organise a hen party where people pay their own way.

waterrat · 10/04/2017 20:46

She is being a massive massive selfish brat. I just can't imagine demanding someone spend money on a dress !!

Its just so incredibly unreasonable that i think you should put your foot down and say you will organise a hen do but dont have time or money to do more

I would have refused to spend hundreds on her choice of dress

Keepthebloodynoisedown · 10/04/2017 23:36

Are you the only person flying to the us twice? If so, you could suggest other bridesmaids pitching in more as they don't have such big travel costs.
The bridal shower sounds lovely, and doesn't need to be too expensive, you can find online print outs of games/ questions. Maybe a big jug of cocktail with cheap alcohol in?

OVienna · 10/04/2017 23:47

So I am American and I think she really needs someone stateside coordinating all of these very American traditions. I cannot believe she expected a British friend to look after this. I hate to say it but what she is asking for is not out of the ordinary for the US. I would call her mom TBH. Are you the only Brit in this situation?

babyinarms · 11/04/2017 01:57

Who's a proper bridzilla then !!! .... she sounds like a complete nightmare ....totally selfish and bratish!
You do your best and stuff what she thinks. If she argues with you after or is unappreciative of your efforts, then she's not a true friend... .sorry but that's true.
Who, in all honesty expects a friend to get into debt for their wedding ... she sounds spoiled rotten !

Caterina99 · 11/04/2017 02:46

I'm a Brit living in the US, so I have seen this first hand. I agree bridal showers are very normal and expected here, but they seem to be more for extended family and then the hen party is for your mates. Paying for your dress as a bridesmaid is also normal.

I'd ask if someone else can take over the shower. Then they can have it a different weekend too if that works better. You can organize the hen do. Good thing is these seem to mostly be lower key than in the UK. Afternoon tea in the park could work for a "British" hen do. With optional night out afterwards if that's what the hen wants. Don't forget there's also the rehearsal dinner!

Hopeful16 · 11/04/2017 04:05

I would suggest that everyone writes a card with a piece of advice for married life inside and buys a "gift" appropriate to that - therefore some gifts can be serious and some could be jokey gifts. These could be read out throughout the occasion as an activity too.

BadLad · 11/04/2017 04:40

Thousand of pounds to go to the wedding of someone whom you'll probably only see a couple of times ever again, and who will likely be pissed off despite your best efforts and expense.

Fuck that. I'd just decline and let the friendship die away.

Thank God I'm a bloke, and therefore exempt from baby showers, bridal showers, bridesmaid duties etc.

MumBod · 11/04/2017 08:09

If she's as good a friend as you say, your friendship should survive some straight talking.

If it doesn't, I can't see what you've lost. You'll still have memories of your happy shared childhood.

People sometimes grow up to be not very nice. Maybe your friend has a touch of the bridezillas. If so, she needs telling. If not, it's the former and it's time to let her go so she can make her new husband's life a fucking misery instead

Original poster

Lifechanging2017 · 11/04/2017 11:02

Hi everyone,
Sorry to have disappeared I have been traveling for work. We decided to do the small hen (bachelorette) night with just a few close friends with everyone responsible for their own drinks and chipping in for the bride at a local cocktail bar--it should be pretty and easy.

For the bridal shower we are going to do the park picnic. I have let the rest of the bridal party know that because I am abroad I can't help with on the ground logistics but have offered to order the food if one of the other women can pay for it and pick it up and I will come up with games, while one of the other maids arranges decorations.

I like the idea of everyone bringing a recipe for the bride. I can bring some pretty recipe cards and recipe box and we can do that as one of the games. The other games can be found online for free I think. I also read that I am meant to collect the ribbons from the gifts she gets at the shower and then make a bridal bouquet out of it for her to use at the rehearsal, very odd but I guess if this is tradition I should do it?

As for food, It is in the late afternoon between 2-4pm so I don't think we need to provide a lot of food, just little desserts. How many desserts should we plan for. I was thinking we could do a cake, maybe some macaroons and a fruit platter but is that not enough?

We don't have to do party bags for the guest do we?

I have also let the rest of the bridal party know that I can't afford to spend anymore money on this wedding. I can help by making arrangements and being in charge of the party on the day but won't be putting anymore money into this event.

I am also worried that there are other things as maid of honour that I am expected to do but unaware of since I am not use to the American way of doing weddings. if any Americans on here can let me know what's expected of me that would be great.

Thank you everyone!

OP posts:

OVienna · 11/04/2017 16:36

lifechanging It sounds like you've got to a solution you're comfortable with.

I have a couple of remaining concerns for you...sorry...

Is this her only shower? It's different in different parts of the US but where I grew up on the East coast the shower COULD be a big co-ed affair with people bringing expensive gifts and catering. This sort of scenario is not that uncommon. Themed showers and having more than one is not out of the ordinary either.

I had something like what you've described which was most of my mum's friends - it was a surprise and at the friend's house. They gave small gifts. This was 20 years ago before I moved to the UK (where the wedding actually was.) That sort of shower was considered a bit old fashioned even then.

I think you need someone from her home town who knows her family very well to tell it to you straight what she is expecting from this event. I am not saying that you have to go along with organising it but that you'd be better off being sure. The shower is in my experience (again 20 yrs ago) a much bigger deal than the hen do although from FB with younger colleagues and relatives it does appear that the UK style of hens is taking off. BUT - I think your drinks/cocktail thing is also fine and wouldn't give that a second thought.

In your shoes, I would want to know if she would turn up at the park and absolutely freak with the realisation that's her shower.

I am not saying that it would be reasonable to do so but it may be so out of the ordinary for her friends, family etc that she perhaps couldn't help being disappointed and confused...if that makes sense.

There are actually quite substantive cultural differences in the US with how these things can work and I would want to be steered by a local.

Only do what you're comfortable with but it sounds like you very much need a local wing man to guide you and be sure you're getting an honest answer. THat is also a US problem - people are much less straight talking than they are made out to be.

OVienna · 11/04/2017 16:49

I honestly can't believe you've been landed with this as well.

longlostpal · 15/04/2017 17:33

I lived in the States for a while and have been to my share of bridal and baby showers. None of the ones I went to were very expensive or fancy. It's usually an afternoon tea in someone's house -- so it would be perfectly normal and appropriate to cater with sandwiches/cakes and possibly a bit of prosecco or a fruit punch. In the UK people aren't expecting a bridal shower, so you could even just present it as an afternoon tea, and the US guests will take the hint and treat it as a shower, but the UK guests won't feel the pressure.

As for hen nights, people do go crazy but I had a picnic in the park for mine and it was grand. I'd say that for any option maybe joint organise it with the other bridesmaids so you can split the cost?

PippaH74 · 15/04/2017 17:41

Your plans sound fab. I think thoughtful touches beat anything that money has been thrown at. I don't see why the bridal shower and Hen night can't be rolled into one? Could start early evening at a house with drinks etc and then go onto a cocktail bar for the Hen part... it's all going to get very repetitive otherwise and trying to get everyone together for both shower, hen and wedding is a big ask! If she's a good friend (which she should be if you're organising it all) then talk to her.

Teabagtits · 15/04/2017 17:54

A bit OT but bridal shower and baby shower makes me think of golden shower. Maybe you could all pee on the bride?

specialsubject · 15/04/2017 18:15

Money doesn't make for an interesting event, especially not when the bride is as spoilt and boring as your post makes her sound.

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