To have a budget bridal shower and hen party for my best friend?

[Lifechanging2017]

My best friend is getting married this summer and I am the maid of honour. She is a having a very traditional wedding and really wants to have both a bridal shower and hen do (which the bridal party is responsible for hosting). I want to give her everything she wants to make the time leading up to her wedding extra special, but her wedding is already costing a lot of money for the wedding party. I have to fly across the world for her wedding (it's in the US) and the bridesmaid dresses she wanted are way over our budget. I really can't afford to spend a lot of money hosting the bridal shower and hen do and so I am trying to come up with a way to do both of these things without spending too much money. We have to have both events the weekend before the wedding, otherwise it would involve me having to fly to America twice over the summer. So far, for the hen party, I am thinking of just doing cocktails at the brides favourite cocktail bar where the bridal party would be responsible for buying the brides drinks and food but everyone else would responsible for their own food and drinks. The bride isn't big into drinking a lot or partying and her mum and the grooms mum will be attending so we want to keep it respectable and not embarrass her.

For the bridal shower, I am hoping that her mum will offer the use of her house for the shower as a free venue and if not seeing if we can rent out space in the local park (that has a lovely white gazebo) and doing just a two hour late afternoon gathering with her friends and female relatives. I was hoping we could get away with the event being alcohol free to keep cost down and then just baking lots of lovely desserts and doing sandwiches and salads. AIBU for doing this?

I am worried that we will come off as cheap for not spending loads, but to be honest I am feeling a lot of pressure already because the cost of this wedding keep going up.

I am also trying to come up with fun games for everyone to play at the shower (I hate shower games so I am struggling to come up with any) and I am worrying that the hen do will be boring.

Do you think we have to provide little party favours for the guest at the bridal shower?

What does everyone think?

So you buy a pressie for the bride for the bridal shower and then another pressie for the actual couple at the wedding? As well as paying for the hen do for the bride? And transatlantic flights and a dress you already said is out your budget?
If she's into the whole American tradition, don't do a hen party. They are more a U.K. Thing aren't they?, just explain since your only in town for a few days you decided it would be best to stick to American traditions with the bridal shower and do a afternoon tea with processo or similar and see if you can do that in a local park as long as the weather is nice. Get your bridal party to help make sandwiches/cakes etc, That way it's respectful for the in laws and you don't have to spend on a venue. I assume you don't need a licence to drink in the park in the states?

Wouldn't it make much more sense for one of her US friends to arrange things? They will know the best places to go, have the correct currency to hand AND they can pay for it.

sleepysally could be on to a winner with the afternoon tea idea because although the bride is American you could put this across as a "British" twist and you could put it on very well on a budget.

I'd fuck it right off.
She argued with you because you couldn't afford a dress?!!!

Life is too bloody short love. How much cash altogether is this pantomime costing you?

I'd be fucking her right off for arguing over a dress when you are paying so much money to just go to her wedding. What a selfish, spoilt brat of a woman!

OP, why is it you shelling out for her love of wedding traditions? You had an argument because she expects you go into debt? That's insane. Your ideas sound lovely but remember that as maid of honour your are STILL A GUEST.

Wait, rewind, she argued with you about the dress when you're flying across the world for her poxy wedding and she wants all these extras, too. Stop being such a doormat. Your 'friend' is an immature, entitled cow. Going into a debt over a wedding is just beyond stupid, much less for someone else's wedding.

Just say you can't host them, the flights and dress have wiped you out. Someone local will have to host them (IF THEY WANT TO)

But honestly, I'd see if i can cancel my flights and get a refund on the dress. Are you even go to see the bride after this wedding as she is US based?

What I don't like about all this is your friend is measuring the friendship on her wedding arrangements. That's how it sounds to me. It sounds like you're trying really hard to make things nice. Is she one of those people you can't please? Arguing about the dress is a little worrying. Weddings make people crazy but there shouldn't be fallouts with people when they can't afford things. I've been brides maid and she was an absolute bridezilla. Stupid expectations and expenses, plus her sister tried to sabotage the hen night. I don't even see her now.

OP this is ridiculous
A maid of honour who has to travel across the Atlantic? Maybe for billionaires but not regular folk.

Also I'm wondering what best mate means and what your ages are. Has she wiped your arse after spinal surgery? Sorry for the example but that's best friend territory. Even then I wouldn't do what you're doing.

If she had a go at you for this already, she's showing her true colours.

This sounds so awful it doesn't sound real!

OP, sorry but you are a mug. She is a nasty piece of work and you seem almost scared of her? I'm not suprised she is using you to arrange things as I suspect she hasn't many other friends who are as indulgent in her as you.

It's and a bit sad that you 'just want her to be happy' when she clearly doesn't give a shit about your feelings.

What do your other friends say?

Thank you everyone for your lovely and helpful responses. I have found myself being very unsure how to correctly respond to various issues that have come with this issue. I don't want to fracture my friendship because she is very important to me, but I also find it difficult because I don't believe in burdening anyone financially and I have very different views for what a wedding should be like. However, I don't want her looking back and being resentful for anything and I just want her to have a wonderful time.

I have just emailed the rest of the bridal party and suggested that we combine the events or just do the hen night (bachelorette party in the US). If anyone pushes back against it I will just be honest about not wanting to spend a lot of money and it either needs to be a low key event hosted at one of their houses or if the bride really wants a bridal shower then her mum can host it. I also agree that I will do a token sentimental gift for the shower instead of an expensive blender or whatever other people are buying.

So far the wedding has cost about £2,300 (including airline tickets for my partner and I) and we still haven't booked accommodation for the two weeks. I think part of the issue is that she knows both my partner and I have pretty good salaries but we certainly don't feel comfortable spending thousands of dollars on a wedding that isn't ours.

You need to say that as you aren't American or indeed in the country you aren't sure of the expectations of a bridal shower and would someone step up and organize it!

Throw in a few ideas - cocktail nameing - bring a plate - games etc

Rock up with a gift!

That's a shit lot of money! So what if you have comfortable incomes. It's really going to cost you up the 5 grand then with accommodation, the bridal shower, food etc. Draw the line now OP it's escalated way too much! She's asking above and beyond.

Also if anyone pushes against your idea stand your ground unless they're willing to organise something suitable.

Oh, FFS, expecting anyone to spunk that kind of money on their wedding is fucking ridiculous! She's important to you, but you obviously aren't as important to her.

Just read some of the responses after sending my last one.

BoyFromTheBigBadCity: Good point that I am a guest at this wedding. I hadn't thought of it like that. It's interesting because she made a comment recently about how much she is having to spend to feed people at the wedding and my thought was "no one is making you have a wedding, or an expensive over the top wedding."

expatinscotland & burnoutbabe & Goldfishjane: My dad's family live in the town she lives in so I think she doesn't even think about that as not being where I live or my hometown, hence why she doesn't seem to understand that I can't just come and go to help with wedding planning. She lived next door to my grandparents when I was growing up and so we became friends at three and spent every summer together until I went to university, so our friendship is based off of a shared past and she basically feels more like family then a friend.

kissmethere: She is the type that has a very defined idea about how things should be and she doesn't change her mind. Everything is very black and white in her world.

I go back and forth about how much effort I want to put in this. She has been there for me when I have gone through some very difficult times and she was really wonderful during those times and was there for me day or night--which is why I want to be there for her. But I also think that being there for her on her big day should not be about spending money but in celebrating the start of her marriage and I feel like too much emphases is being put on making a big show of things instead of the emotion and importance of what is really going on when a marriage takes place.

Christ you're spending as much on her wedding as I spent on my own! (Minus the dress which my mum bought for me as my birthday present)

She's obviously been reading too many bridal magazines or something, surely people don't really expect anyone to get themselves into debt to attend a wedding!

For a "bridal shower" present could you find out an old photo of the two of you as children and pop it in a nice frame or something? Maybe write something a bit mushy and sentimental in the card?

There's probably bridal shower game suggestions on the internet, I'm guessing it's stuff like making wedding dresses out of toilet roll/ little quizzes about the bride and groom like that "Mr & Mrs game"

Could you do a bridal shower in the evening? Then go out for cocktails straight after like two events made into one?

£2,300! Before accommodation or any of the parties you're expected to host!

Fuck that for a laugh. I probably wouldn't spend much more than that on my OWN wedding, let alone on the wedding of someone who is expecting so much from me and isn't being very nice!

Put your foot down and say you can't arrange the parties from the UK (wherever you live) and someone local needs to do it.

OP "My dad's family live in the town she lives in so I think she doesn't even think about that as not being where I live or my hometown,"

Um, that is not a reason. You are in the UK right?

I have a feeling you will spends thousands and barely hear from her again. Her attitude re feeding guests is appalling. They don't rock up out of nowhere demanding food.

If the support she has given you is mostly emotional, I'm sorry to say it but often that's not hard esp at school age. That's why I wondered her age.

It all sounds OTT to me, as well.

This is my big chance to say, "Ugh, hen nights, so British! Why would you do that in America? They always result in vomiting and bad behavior!" Seriously, I have been on hen nights in the UK and it was fun (no vomiting actually), but it really is not part of the expectation in the US. A night out with girlfriends where everyone pays her own way, except possibly chipping in for the bride should be enough.

With regards to the shower, it is usually expected that the maid of honor do this if the bride wants. If her family cares about etiquette they will not feel comfortable hosting. I DON'T think this means you can't have it at the mother's house, but someone who is not part of the family should organize and send invitations. A shower does NOT need a meal. I would set out some snacks/appetizers (if you are feeling ambitious). Find out if someone would be willing to bring a cake (possibly as their shower gift?) and serve soft drinks, possibly mimosas if you can get some inexpensive sparkling wine. (Good luck finding "supermarket brand Pimms" in America -- Pimms is very much a specialty item, often has to be ordered, and in many states supermarkets can't even sell beer. . .) A shower is a time to "shower" the bride with good wishes. Party games are usually stupid, but one thing that is often funny is to have each guest bring a piece of advice for married life. Reading these aloud is usually very funny and leads to stories. Ask guests to bring a photo or special memory of the bride to share. Obviously don't pressure people but it can be fun. Bring a paper plate and staple all the bows from the gift wrap on it for the bride to use as her bouquet at the wedding rehearsal.

Rolling the two events into one would be tricky -- you want great aunts from both sides at the shower, but possibly not at the hen do.

For all those complaining about buying 2 gifts, the rule of thumb for shower gifts is to spend half what you would spend on a wedding gift. I like to give fire extinguishers -- it's a good things for a new household. It can also be a subtle response to Bridezilla behavior.

I have explained my American perspective on these events, and a bit of shower customs, but I definitely feel you should not be expected to do anything that you can't comfortably afford. I also think it is a lot for a bride to have these 2 events in the week before the wedding. If you must do both events, less is more. Just a cocktail evening, and the shower can literally just be cake, punch and presents. No one will mind if it doesn't take a long time!

A bridal shower, a hen do and a wedding??!! Screw that. I couldn't be bothered.

I've got a very bad feeling about this OP. I don't think you are going to be able to meet the brides expectations and would get her buy in for whatever you plan.
I too suggest getting an American friend to host the Shower. An English afternoon tea sounds great at someone's home too. Make sure you get agreement for everything or its likely to be a disaster.

Hi there, I'm American so I can explain the bridal shower thing a bit.

It is not meant to be a big expensive event. Usually it's exactly as you suggested. It's hosted at a family member's home (or the park idea sounds great). It's mostly finger food and desserts - also as you suggested, and alcohol is not necessary. It's just ladies from the family and friends and while you are expected to bring a gift it's usually only a smaller one $20ish (that's about £12-15). Mums or Nan's might spend a bit more. Sometimes friends will all put some money in towards a bigger gift. You might play a few games... You could find loads of free ideas on the Internet. You could ask all the bridal party to chip in $20 and that should be plenty. Any leftover you could spend on the bachelorette night.

As for those, it is as you suggested as well. It's usually one night out (not like hen parties in the UK). You might start at someone's house for a cocktail and maybe some appetizers then go out to a few bars. It's expected for everyone to buy their own drinks. It can always get expensive if you want to hire a limo or party bus but this isn't necessary.

The asking you to pay loads for the dresses isn't on, especially as you are paying so much for travel. I think you have perfectly good suggestions for both the shower and bachelorette party. The shower is a nice thing for family as lots of female family members won't feel comfortable going out to the bars with the younger women and it's a chance for them to celebrate.

Tough situation.

Some cheap ideas I've done when organising hen nights, that might work for either of these occasions...

Bought a recipe scrapbook (about £7 from paperchase) and asked everyone attending to contribute a favourite recipe/secret family recipe with a few words for the bride about why they picked it. Went down very well and worked well with that whole traditional housewife thing, done a little tongue in cheek of course.

Photo quiz passed round on the hen night. Can be as clean or smutty as you like, questions like "which of these is bride's surprising crush" and "which name did bride always dream she'd call her first born" and "in which of these locations did bride lose her viriginty".

Party bags with tat from home bargains or b and m, plus net bags of rice to use as confetti and wedding, brides favourite sweets etc.

I went to a hen where they did that thing where teams take turns to dress the bride in a toilet roll wedding dress. Cheap and was fairly fun.