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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feeling resentful - AIBU?

52 replies

highinthesky · 10/04/2017 09:26

I was delighted to hear that one of my best friends is expecting, after a long wait. I can empathise as DD came to us late in life.

DD has lots of good quality baby dresses that were barely worn before she's grown out of them, so still look very new. I'd washed and pressed them, and they've been packed up with the intention to donate to a charity shop. They were very expensive, and I'd intended that both the chosen charity and someone who couldn't afford to buy at full price could benefit from them.

My friend had her 20 week scan last week, and she will be having a DD oof her own. She and her mother (who happens to be a good friend of my own DM) took me aside over the weekend, and have asked for all of DD's clothes.

This request has me seething, and I'm trying to work out why. My friend is rich (daughter of a self-made multi-millionaire), and has married a wealthy man. She's always been princess-y, flighty and spendthrift with other people's money but never seems to have any of her own. She lives a lifestyle I could neither afford nor want, yet is assuming she has first refusal on these clothes? She reclaimed her own gift to DD on the grounds that I'd already bought the same item - fair enough - and promised another gift in return, which never materialised. I didn't think I was bothered by this but yesterday realised that she hasn't actually given my DD any token of affection at all. There's a fine line between being generosity (I always seem to be subbing her) and being a total mug and I feel this has been well and truly crossed.The clothes are still going to go to charity and I make no apology for it.

AIBU for being irritated with my friend? Or am I just a meanie?

OP posts:
Original poster
highinthesky · 10/04/2017 10:44

Thanks for all the responses.

They know the stuff is no longer available. I do like my friend, we've been close for a long time and she's a great deal of fun. We choose our own friends and I've overlooked a lot of stuff because in isolation each incident it seemed insignificant at the time.

What I don't appreciate is the attempt to use personal relationships to intimidate. Yes it is a death by a thousand cuts and I think I have been nudged one step too far.

OP posts:
user1471558436 · 10/04/2017 11:02

Personally I'd give them a small bag of well chosen clothes as a kind gesture to a good friend. At the same time explain that you've already promised DD's clothes elsewhere and so you don't have much to give her.

Id then

user1471558436 · 10/04/2017 11:06

Or give the clothes to a woman's refuge and explain that youd always planned to be charitable and give them to women/babies in desperate circumstances.

Cherrysoup · 10/04/2017 11:06

How incredibly crass of her and her mother to ask!

As an aside, stop subbing her, I can't understand why you would do that. As you say, death by a thousand cuts, she's nibbled away at the friendship and it's now finally crumbling.

NavyandWhite · 10/04/2017 11:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DJBaggySmalls · 10/04/2017 11:12

Its odd for you to be fuming about the request. It came form her mother not her.
Your friend may not be rich. She has a rich father and married a rich man. She may not have any money of her own.

Original poster
highinthesky · 10/04/2017 11:14

She's in a well paid job and her income is entirely disposable as her DH pays for everything (she's been very open about this).

OP posts:
watchoutformybutt · 10/04/2017 11:26

What did they say when you said no?

Original poster
highinthesky · 11/04/2017 10:32

I said that the items had been committed elsewhere, no more than that.

I think I'm particularly hurt that they are asking for DDs stuff yet largely ignored actual her existance. Thats not a kind thing to do.

OP posts:
NataliaOsipova · 11/04/2017 10:40

I think I'm particularly hurt that they are asking for DDs stuff yet largely ignored actual her existence

Aaah - now this is the nub of it. And on that basis, your response is entirely understandable.

Dishwashersaurous · 11/04/2017 12:36

She's not a friend. You clearly don't actually like her.

notanurse2017 · 11/04/2017 12:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheLegendOfBeans · 11/04/2017 12:54

Natalias post shows what the issue really is here.

OP, just distance yourself. Honestly. Be kind and gracious but you don't need to return her texts/calls, maybe be very busy for the next few weekends....

Only1scoop · 11/04/2017 12:57

Why does she even need to know the clothes still exist? a quick "already passed dd bits on" should be enough unless you've made a huge deal of speaking about the clothes in question.

grannytomine · 11/04/2017 12:58

Can I make a suggestion if you want them to go to someone in need? I gave my daughter's baby things to a midwife to pass to a woman who had very little. I had just had my son and knew I was never going to have a use for all the lovely little baby dresses. Midwife was saying how lovely it was to see all the lovely things I had received for my son and that it was sad when she went into homes where the woman had very little and not likely to get much. The midwife was thrilled with the things I gave her and told me the young single mum had been so thrilled she cried when she received the bundle. I was happy that they went to a good home and that the mother had appreciated them so much.

MargaretCavendish · 11/04/2017 13:03

I think I'm particularly hurt that they are asking for DDs stuff yet largely ignored actual her existance. Thats not a kind thing to do.

No, it's not - but I did notice in your OP that you said that her pregnancy (like yours) 'came later in life'. Do you think she may have struggled to have a baby? If so, it might explain why she didn't make much effort with DD, and why she's suddenly interested now. It doesn't excuse it entirely, but do you think it might explain it?

Chloe84 · 11/04/2017 13:11

DJBaggysmalls

Its odd for you to be fuming about the request. It came form her mother not her.

OP said friend and her mother took her aside and asked for the clothes.

YANBU, OP. Refreshing to see someone not give into entitled twats.

Original poster
highinthesky · 11/04/2017 13:47

grannytomine that is an excellent suggestion!

OP posts:
FairytalesAreBullshit · 11/04/2017 13:52

I know a Mum who's having a girl and would make really good use of the clothes. Is it possible to pay postage and get you some flowers or something as a thank you. I know it's cheeky but I know it would make a huge difference to her.

Ewock · 11/04/2017 17:22

Another idea we have a local charity that collects clothes, baby items etc for deprived families the families are referred by their GP so you know things are going to someone who is in great need. Might be worth a look on the internet to see if you have anything like that?

longlostpal · 15/04/2017 17:40

Honestly, I personally wouldn't feel like a line had been crossed if any friend asked me to give them something that I was planning to give away to charity. I think that's fine and normal, particularly with children's clothes which don't tend to be worn for long so it's normal to hand them on.

Therefore, I don't think the issue is that she asked for your hand me downs. I think the issue is that you don't like her. Which is your prerogative, but it raises the question of why you keep her as a friend?

longlostpal · 15/04/2017 17:42

Would giving them to the friend on conditions she gives them to charity afterwards be a possibility? Or ask her to 'pay' by making a donation to a children's charity?

EweAreHere · 15/04/2017 17:54

grannytomine I love what you did. That is just fabulously thoughtful.

KERALA1 · 15/04/2017 17:59

Slightly Hmm about charity shops after looking into how they operate. The family that run our local charity shop all drive brand new 4x4s and are buying a castle.

I would find someone you like who is low income and give them to her.

RandomMess · 15/04/2017 18:04

TBH that is pretty shocking grabby behaviour!!! It wouldn't surprise me if they just want the "designer" stuff and check the rest anyway.

Friend doesn't need the clothes and WTF has it got to do with her Mum? Sounds like she is a professional piss taker when it comes to getting other people to put their hand in their pockets. Although she may be fun she doesn't value you or your DD which is incredibly sad.

Flowers I would be pretty incensed.