Am I being a tightwad or is this taking the piss?

[thebarefootcarrottop]

So one of my closest friends got married a couple of months ago. She said they didn't have a massive budget which I have no problem with, of course! They decided to hire a big house and not get any catering or bar staff. Instead they bought the food and basically got the guests to all pitch in. All fine so far. But the wedding was a 3 day event (Is this a 'thing' now??!) and there was a different themed party on each day (with different themed outfits to have to buy for both me and my DH. Some of which we cobbled together but we did end up spending about £40 on the various bits we needed). The venue was 6 hours drive, so cost quite a lot in petrol there and back. And we were asked to bring our own drink. So for 3 days we spent about another £50 on wine. Then, and this is the bit which made me rather cross, there was a room set aside at the house for me and my DH. At a cost of £150 per night! So £450 for the 3 days! As this wasn't a hotel there was no breakfast included, rather we were required to bring what food we wanted to eat as well! Oh and then we were asked to buy something from their wedding list which was circulated beforehand. I'm usually quite generous but we opted for a cheaper item as it was costing us so much to attend. Basically, the cost of going to this wedding was over £700! I've just found out that hiring the venue cost her and her fiancé nothing! Because, she told another friend of ours, that they recouped the full cost of hiring the house through the money they collected from friends and family for the rooms!!!! In other words, the venue cost x amount and they just divided x by the number of bedrooms (about 15 in total) and charged all the couples who stayed 1/15th of the venue hire!!!!! I get that not everyone can afford the big do and that it can be quite fun getting friends and family to pitch in. I was happy to help with cooking and clearing up. But seriously, I just don't think it's OK to be this self indulgent (3 fecking days of celebrating their union!!!) and charging everyone else for the privilege. Anyway, it has made me really cross but none of our other friends seem to have issue with it so I'm worried I'm being a tightwad by complaining. I won't say anything to my friend as it's done now, and I know I could have declined the invite. But she's one of my oldest friends and when I agreed to take one the rooms at the house, I had no idea how much they were nor that this would be paying for their wedding! I feel really cross about it!

Three days?
OP I'd tell your friend you misunderstood the room cost btw, wash mistake to make
Don't pay for the damage
And your sister, Cornwall when guests are from north east? Show her this thread.

Sorry crummy! Just thought you should see it! Shall I ask MN to remove for you?

Is she a MN user or does she read the sun? Hope not.

What?! What the hell kind of house did they hire that it cost over 2 grand a night?!

YADNBU!!

Crummy FWIW I think the wedding sounds fun and as you say pitching in isn't a problem - wouldn't be for me either. HOWEVER it would have been so much better if they hadn't got others to pay for it. That just takes the royal piss. How anyone could have the barefaced cheek to charge for rooms in the house they had hired for thier wedding is beyond me.

*I won't mention it to my friend as it's done now and I don't want to damage our friendship...

It gets worse actually......I've just had an email from her to say there was some damage to the house (a small broken window, a wine stain on the carpet) and they're not getting their £600 deposit back, so rather than try and find out who did the damage (WTF??!!) they're just asking each couple to chip in a tenner to cover it!!!! OMFG!!!!! angry*

OP, your friend has already damaged your friendship. This last request is the last nail i the coffin, I'd say.

I would not value any friend who was so entitled.

i can see both sides.
It does sound like fun to me, ive been to a similar wedding and had a wonderful time. However the costs were a lot less as it was a hostel they had hired and cost each of us £10 per night. We did have to bring our own food and drink and it was a long drive away. It was really one of the best weddings ive ever been to, simply because we were all very good friends having a 3 day bender in a beautiful location.

If its not your cup of tea then i can see why you would resent having to pay that but to be fair you could have just declined the invite had you not wanted to pay all this.

I think as long as a couple have made it clear on their invites what the wedding is going to be all about then really if you dont like it decline.
Weddings should be about the couple celebrating their marriage in a way that represents them.
Some couples have tents in the woods, some just go down the pub and some have the whole traditional wedding.
Now days i think that you cant really expect anything in particular from a wedding so just check whats actually going to happen and if you arent on board with it then dont go!

I'm all for a wedding on a budget, but then it has to be on a budget for everyone, guests too. Hiring an expensive venue and passing on all the costs to your guests isn't clever budgeting, it's just incredibly rude.

'I won't mention it to my friend as it's done now and I don't want to damage our friendship. '

You really need to ask yourself why you want to carry on a friendship with someone who rips the piss out of their friends. Honestly, who wants or needs 'friends' like this? STOP enabling this shit! No tenner, no going to her 30th. Grow a spine and cut people like this loose.

Definitely cut this sponge off.

I think I would have 'found' I was double booked and only attended one day and stayed in a hotel of my own choice with brekkie included!

YANBU
She doesn't have a big budget, but expects her friends to have deep pockets. What a hypocrite.

I went to a wedding a few years ago where they put a few extra demands on guests, such as guests having to wear particular outfits (which cost guests extra). They divorced after a year

This is massively taking the piss!

I am in a similarish situation op. We are going to a wedding in Oct (close friend of dh) they are hiring a place which is a house where they will have the ceremony, wedding breakfast and evening do. They will be paying for food and some drinks then there is a cash bar - all good so far I have no problems with a cash bar and it looks like a lovely place. Now the catch is that the price of the rooms have gone up from what the originally said. It is now £150 a night (just like ops) I am now wondering if they are trying to recoup some costs through the guests paying inflated room costs. I don't mind paying for the room as if we stayed in a hotel elsewhere it would still be a cost but I just have this niggly feeling that they have put prices up to cover their costs. No way I can check this so we either suck it up or don't go or stay elsewhere. Does make you think aboit people differently though.
I think if I found out for definite that they did this I would have to say something. If you want to have a grand wedding thats fab but do it on your budget you don not get others to pay for it.

I would tell her that you have got a cheap deal at a nearby hotel Ewock and see what her reaction is. Anything along the lines of "Oh but I want everyone to stay there/I have booked all the rooms now/I cant beleive you dont want to stay......." is panic because she isnt getting back what she thinks she is in terms of guests paying up.

Helps if you have other friends going who will be able to tell you if the price goes up again......

Ewock, why don't you email the venue pretending to be a bride and ask for accommodation costs. If you PM me the venue I will do it for you and report back.

Something sort of like this happened to a friend of mine recently, come to think of it. The bride had hired a whole big place for the weekend and sent my friend this long heartfelt message about how there was a room free and they'd love her to stay because she was one of their oldest friends and so on. Then she was told it would be something like £130 a night. My friend said that this was a bit out of her budget and that she might look for a nearby B&B. The bride got quite panicky and annoyed and said that actually, they needed someone to take the room as it was all paid for already! My friend ended up taking it but felt like she'd been forced to subsidise the wedding, and it hasn't done their friendship any favours.

you actually went?

my response to the invite would have been along the lines of "only if dh and i can renew our vows at the same time!"

Basically, the guests have paid almost 100% for their wedding costs! No doubt with enough left over for their honeymoon!

so they paid £600 as deposit for the house, guests paid £450 eacg for their rooms?!!!!!!.....god i wish i could reply to your friend!

people only get away with shit like this because nobody pulls them up on it - you're already dreading future invites from her! i can just imagine her plans for the Baby tsunami Shower

Pull out now, Ewock. The price went up because you're paying for the wedding.

YANBU

However, if you had posted about this before you went, the Vipers would have been able to tell you that you were most likely paying a share of the venue hire and costs for bride and groom.

Chalk it up to experience but don't give that cow another tenner

Invite her over for a girls night with sleepover, ask her to bring a main course for 4, and demand £100 for the accommodation and entertainment :-D, I'm sure she'll understand you have to cover your costs!

YANBU - why do weddings turn people into insufferable brats?