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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about not wanting to pay this money back?

34 replies

feelingsickaboutit · 09/04/2017 20:55

A bit of a backstory ... 15 yeaars ago my MIL helped us out financially as we were in lots of debt (caused by my OH) and were facing bankrupcy and loosing roof over our (and our children's) heads. She took some equity out of her house and bailed us out ... not completely but it made our situation stable enough to plod on. She kept a thid of the money she took out for some improvements to her house which she never did and the money is still in her bank account. We were paying back the money she gave us for about two years. Then she told us to stop paying her as she doesn't need that money and to treat it as my OH early inheritance and she will adjust her will accordingly. Now MIL is in her mid 90's and cannot look after herself anymore ... we found her a nice care home which comes with a price tag. The family (there are 7 children of hers) decided it's a perfect place for her and moved her in. They're in the midst of sorting her house up ready to be sold and my OH came clean about the money she gave us then but also about 10 years ago she took some more equity out of the house which nobody else seems to know about (or doesn't want to admit to). The house is in London so is worth a lot of money. We sell the house and all the money goes to the care home and nobody gets anything out of myMIL estate. My OH feels bad about the whole situation and told me we should pay all that money back. The truth is we have no spare income to do this (unless he changes jobs which he refuses to). It is causing arguments between me and my OH. I see it as she waved the debt and made it a gift therefore we don't have to pay it back. If we do pay it back it will go straight to the care home (it's charity) and no sibbling will benefit anyway but we'll be under financial strain again ... AIBU?

OP posts:
Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 · 09/04/2017 20:58

The way I see it your dh can't change the situation about his dm in the home now etc. But he can choose to keep you out of more financial difficulties by keeping quiet. .

ImperialBlether · 09/04/2017 21:01

What would his mum want? She clearly wanted him to benefit early - and that's what most of us would want, isn't it, for our children? She told him not to bother repaying it. He should go by her wishes now.

Bluntness100 · 09/04/2017 21:03

I don't see the benefit of repaying surely when she runs out of savings the state pays for her care. All he will do is delay the state having to step in. No?

greeneyedlulu · 09/04/2017 21:05

Well if the only way is for him to change job and he won't do that then how else will you do it?
Mil said it's his inheritance so really there's no need to pay it back

FiveShelties · 09/04/2017 21:06

Is the amount left in the house sufficient to take care of the care home fees, after the Equity Release company have been repaid?

HarryPottersMagicWand · 09/04/2017 21:06

Why does it need paying back? Because his siblings get no inheritence? But they won't will they if it goes to the care home?

But isn't it the case that once the money goes down to a certain level, the state kicks in and pays? That's what happened with DH's nan.

But this money shouldn't be paid back. Your MIL clearly told you not to. That was the end of it. Someone else much have had some money from her and isn't owning up, probably because they don't want to pay it back.

haveacupoftea · 09/04/2017 21:07

YANBU

VimFuego101 · 09/04/2017 21:07

How do you know for sure that none of the other siblings got an 'advance' too?

redexpat · 09/04/2017 21:08

I wouldnt begrudge my DM keeping a roof over DNs heads.

SpreadYourHappiness · 09/04/2017 21:08

YANBU. I wouldn't pay it back; there's no need.

shouldwestayorshouldwego · 09/04/2017 21:11

It is more than 7 years so it shouldn't count towards care home. I would wait to see how much is left over when she actually passes and at that time see if you can pay some of the difference back. Say if the house was worth 700000 and you had already had 100000. If when she dies there is 560000 left they will all have had 20000 less than you so it might be fair if you split some of your money six ways. Alternatively maybe she wanted you to be stable and all the others are already financially secure.

Nocabbageinmyeye · 09/04/2017 21:12

Yanbu, your dh doesn't very responsible with money. It was his debt that meant you got saddled with repayments and almost lost your house and now he is refusing to change jobs to pay the money back but sti expects you both to take on more repayments Hmm Tell him if he wants to change jobs and pay it back to feel free but you are done paying his debts

Original poster
feelingsickaboutit · 09/04/2017 21:13

Mum has dementia so is in no state to comment on the situation. I have no idea how he envisages paying it back. Maybe he has some magic beans he intends to grow ... when I told him I will support him with repayments but he needs to change his job to one that pays more he got all funny and found all the reasons why he can't change jobs. With all our four children still at home I really can't see where we can make any cuts or extra income (kids are not legally old enough to have jobs just yet) ...

OP posts:
shouldwestayorshouldwego · 09/04/2017 21:13

Actually you would I think need to split the 20000 seven ways and you keep one of the shares. No point in paying it to the care home now.

Original poster
feelingsickaboutit · 09/04/2017 21:23

From what will be left in the estate there's enough to pay the fees for a long time and if it does run out the state will cover so there won't be the need to move her to a cheaper place or anything. Once the money is handed over to the care home there won't be any refunds for unused fees after a certain period of time ... I believe it will be treated as a donation. I think that's how they can provide continuity of care for all the residents even those whose money runs out ... This is how it was explained to me.

OP posts:
HelenaGWells · 09/04/2017 21:27

So basically the care home takes her entire fortune and if she's there longer than x years keeps the lot? That sounds incredibly dodgy to me.

Also yes to that money was a gift. She may have given other money to other kids that you don't know about. If you don't have it and no sibling would benefit from it there is no point paying it back.

If you end up with an inheritance later basically take it from that.

FiveShelties · 09/04/2017 21:27

I would make completely sure that you will not be asked to 'top up' the fees which the council pay towards care home fees. When I was looking for a home for my Dad who was self funding, I was amazed at the difference betwen the amount the council would pay (if the money ran out) and the amount the care home required to keep him there - a gap that I would have been expected to cover.

Catherinebee85 · 09/04/2017 21:30

YANBU! I 100% agree. She told you not to pay it back. If it was me I wouldn't have even mentioned it to siblings. It's years ago and completely by the by now!
Why put yourself in a rocky financial situation for. The amount you got given turned into a gift not a loan, and who would really benefit from you paying it back??

HelenaGWells · 09/04/2017 21:31

The way the care home works I don't
Think I'd be happy with. My grandma still had her own money until she died and
She was in a care home For years. She had an account that my uncle could access as he had power of attorney. Care home fees were paid from It every month and he gave her money as she went for things like hairdressers.

How do the care home propose she pay for things? What if she wants to gift money for Christmas? What if she needs a haircut? Or someone to buy her treats?

limon · 09/04/2017 21:32

From your OP you say you have no spare cash with which to pay it back. There's your answer. You can't magic up money you don't have. Plus your Mil made it a gift.

HappCatt · 09/04/2017 21:35

If your MIL leaves anything once she dies you should even things out with your DHs siblings. That would be the right thing to do. I know it was up to your MIL to do what she wanted with her money but I doubt she wanted to have to bail out your DH. I think the chances are that she would want her money to have been evenly distributed between all her children.

Adnerb95 · 09/04/2017 21:36

The first loan has been dealt with by means of the will. So no problem there, assuming she has done as she said she would.

It's not clear from your OP what the second tranche of money was or what it was used for. This could also be dealt with via the will or simply by you waiving your right to a portion of the estate on her death.

Re the care home funding, for goodness sake get advice from an IFA who is qualified to advise on Long Term Care! There is NO reason for the whole estate to disappear. There are alternatives which would ring-fence a good portion of the estate - probably the vast majority given MIL's age. It would also ensure that MIL is self-funded throughout her life in a home that she and the family are happy with.

PM me if interested, as I am based in South East and am CF qualified!

HappCatt · 09/04/2017 21:38

BTW Do you know whether your MIL had adjusted her will to take account of her having to bail out you and your DH? If she has then you don't need to do anything.

PollytheDolly · 09/04/2017 21:39

So she saved some of her inheritance from being swallowed up by care home fees?

I'd say don't feel bad about that.

MrsDustyBusty · 09/04/2017 21:42

Your husband isn't expecting any of his siblings to pay directly so it's no skin off their nose really.

Your mother in law did not want this repaid and has provided sufficiently for her later years care, it seems to me. It was her choice while she had the capacity to make it so I'd leave well enough alone and be grateful for her generosity.

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