AIBU about not wanting to pay this money back?

[feelingsickaboutit]

A bit of a backstory ... 15 yeaars ago my MIL helped us out financially as we were in lots of debt (caused by my OH) and were facing bankrupcy and loosing roof over our (and our children's) heads. She took some equity out of her house and bailed us out ... not completely but it made our situation stable enough to plod on. She kept a thid of the money she took out for some improvements to her house which she never did and the money is still in her bank account. We were paying back the money she gave us for about two years. Then she told us to stop paying her as she doesn't need that money and to treat it as my OH early inheritance and she will adjust her will accordingly. Now MIL is in her mid 90's and cannot look after herself anymore ... we found her a nice care home which comes with a price tag. The family (there are 7 children of hers) decided it's a perfect place for her and moved her in. They're in the midst of sorting her house up ready to be sold and my OH came clean about the money she gave us then but also about 10 years ago she took some more equity out of the house which nobody else seems to know about (or doesn't want to admit to). The house is in London so is worth a lot of money. We sell the house and all the money goes to the care home and nobody gets anything out of myMIL estate. My OH feels bad about the whole situation and told me we should pay all that money back. The truth is we have no spare income to do this (unless he changes jobs which he refuses to). It is causing arguments between me and my OH. I see it as she waved the debt and made it a gift therefore we don't have to pay it back. If we do pay it back it will go straight to the care home (it's charity) and no sibbling will benefit anyway but we'll be under financial strain again ... AIBU?

"I see you feel strongly about this dear. When her money runs out I will support your efforts to pay something towards her care."

When it actually happens look at the budget again. Right now it is purely theoretical. No point arguing about it.

You could suggest he pays it back with his time, doing more visits etc. which is presumably what she would have preferred anyway, if asked when still able.

How do you know she hasn't bailed any of her other six children out at some point or other? DH always felt guilty about £500 his parents gave him for a training course that he never paid back, I do know though that they bought my SIL (not their daughter their other sons wife) a car and she never paid them back. That was about £5k, yet my DH never knew.

I've never heard of a care home being funded like that before, its usually a monthly fee with the state taking over once funds reduce to a certain amount, sounds a bit odd.

Well, it's pure, modernised 'prodigal son' territory isn't it. One child receives inheritance early and spends it then other child is resentful when the loving parent still loves and cares for the first child. It's the parent's choice to do so and doesn't affect the other child. But, human nature being what it is, I guess jealousy happens.

YANBU - it was your mum's choice.

I can see the siblings' point. But it's not their call to make. If your husband feels generous and/or obliged then he could make sure that they get more of the leftover inheritance than he does when his mother dies but he doesn't have to do that - his mother gifted him the money and that's all there is to it.

Firstly previous posters are correct make sure you get advice when the house is sold. Don't let the council get involved in the sale and you can buy an annuity to pay care home fees in the future which may leave some funds . Don't worry until that is all sorted out. concentrate on getting what you can for the house and secure the care first because if the money runs out she will be moved to a home paid by the council and they will cap the cost of the care. I think an annuity could be your answer.

Just to emphasise make sure the family sell the house not the council.

Woah! The way you're explaining the care home funding sounds very dodgy. Her care should be paid for on a month by month basis, with invoices being issued each month. Yes, you could have the payments set up as a direct debit, like you would a mortgage, but no way would you hand over control of her accounts/estate to the care home. Charity or not, that's not how it should work.

From what will be left in the estate there's enough to pay the fees for a long time and if it does run out the state will cover so there won't be the need to move her to a cheaper place or anything. Once the money is handed over to the care home there won't be any refunds for unused fees after a certain period of time ... I believe it will be treated as a donation. I think that's how they can provide continuity of care for all the residents even those whose money runs out ... This is how it was explained to me.*

That's not right. Not right at all. What happens if she dies after a week? Or a month?

The care home should take their fees on a month-by-month basis, not all her funds at once.

My Nana died within a month of being in a care home which meant her house didn't get sold to pay fees - why would you give them all the money when they may not give all the care? Especially when the house is valuable and will cover the fees for a considerable period!

I dont think he needs to pay it back. I lent a substantial sum to one of my children 10 years ago. It was to be repaid at some stage in the future. We do not need the money and we have told him we don't want it returned. I think he will be respecting his mother's wishes, by getting on with his life and not worrying about it. I would hate my son to feel that he has an obligation to his siblings. They are all on the same financial footing and they are grateful that they had not to endure what he did when he needed the money.