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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset that my mum called my 7yo evil and psychopathic

48 replies

purpleangel17 · 09/04/2017 18:21

I have a 7yo daughter who is a handful. I do my best but still she sometimes screams at me, slams doors, throws things and hits me. She is getting better as she matures and I do give consequences but thus far nothing seems to deter her enough for it to be the last time. My other daughter while sometimes cheeky would never act like this so I don't think it can be entirely down to my parenting. I am separated from her dad who had a diagnosis in adulthood of Asperger’s and I wonder if she also has similar difficulties. Anyway, we manage, she is good at school and I handle the meltdowns at home as best I can.

My mum however is completely intolerant of children being anything other than completely obedient. When my youngest plays up, she is furious and shouts and screams at her which just makes things worse. Today she told me I had to 'do something about my evil and psychopathic daughter'. I feel she has crossed a line. No child should be called that and she is neither evil nor psychopathic - at worst she is badly behaved.

OP posts:
Questioningeverything · 09/04/2017 18:23

I'd keep someone like that the fuck away from my kids. I don't care if that's family, nobody calls my kid names and gets to continue any kind of relationship with them.

AtrociousCircumstance · 09/04/2017 18:25

Yes she has crossed a line. And her behaviour towards your daughter was already deeply inappropriate and aggressive before that hideous comment.

If you limit exposure to your M you may find the problem improves in some way.

user1471558436 · 09/04/2017 18:25

Can you go NC for a couple of months each time she is offensive and shouty.

Can you get your DD assessed? Also access online information about how to support/help kids with asd.

ohfourfoxache · 09/04/2017 18:26

She wouldn't be getting within a mile of my dc - absolutely disgusting and Angry for you

llangennith · 09/04/2017 18:27

I have a 'challenging' DGS now aged 12 and much as I sometimes feel like shouting f-off at him I ignore it and leave it to my DD to deal with.
Your mother is definitely out of order and you might tell her that if she can't keep her opinions to herself you'll have to keep your DD away from her.

Thinkingblonde · 09/04/2017 18:29

Tell her that unless and until she can keep her opinions to herself you don't want her around your dd.

Gertrudeisgerman · 09/04/2017 18:31

Ooh I'm watching this with interest OP, as I was going to start a thread about my families attitude to my 9 year old DS who has exactly the same issues as your DD.

My DS was bullied quite badly by his cousin on Friday at school and my parents and my sister have called my DS a liar and completely dismissed it. None have asked them if DS is okay even though he was physically hurt. Interested to know what other people think about this. I have 2 other DC's who don't have the same issues and are treated differently by my family. It's absolutely awful isn't it? Your DM is definitely unreasonable. That's her grandchild!

Original poster
purpleangel17 · 09/04/2017 18:33

I work in SEN so I know a lot about autism already, I have been putting off asking for a referral for a diagnosis because she is doing fine in school and I don't want to 'label' her. I guess I don't see how it would help given she doesn't need help in school. But I am keeping my options open.

My mum has always been intensely disapproving of me and she makes me feel like my daughter's behaviour is all because I am a rubbish parent. I really do try my best. I'm not perfect but I do give consequences and I never hit and I try not to shout and I certainly never scream in her face like my mum does.

OP posts:
lougle · 09/04/2017 18:42

Ok, so that's not ideal (understatement) but I presume she said that after another challenging episode when emotions were running high? It must be hard to see your DD hurting her DD (you) and if she is behaving as you describe, that's awful. I sympathise, because I have a highly strung 7 year old girl who can get in similar states and nothing but time and, if I can get near her, food, drink and a cuddle can calm her down.

So no, it wasn't your Mum's finest hour. It was an awful thing to say. But people aren't perfect and they say really, really stupid things when they're upset and angry. Your DD won't be half as upset or angry by the comment as you are. So I would let it go. Tell your mum how much it upset you. Acknowledge how challenging the behaviour is. Tell her you need her support and not her criticism.

lougle · 09/04/2017 18:46

"purpleangel17

I work in SEN so I know a lot about autism already, I have been putting off asking for a referral for a diagnosis because she is doing fine in school and I don't want to 'label' her. I guess I don't see how it would help given she doesn't need help in school. But I am keeping my options open."

Has it occurred to you that you may be facing so many challenges at home because she is using so much energy coping at school, then breaking down at home? It is incredibly common in girls. I'm sure you'll be aware of that, but it's often harder to see ASD in high functioning girls until their mask slips and they start to break.

Original poster
purpleangel17 · 09/04/2017 18:50

Yes I know that could be in play. There are a lot of things to weigh up.... have seen pros and cons of diagnoses...

OP posts:
Areyoufree · 09/04/2017 18:52

She's crossed a line. That's awful. My daughter, who I also suspect has ASD, is similar. One thing that really upsets me is that people don't see her how she really is. She is very unsettled at the moment, and is liable to kick off over the smallest thing. But most of her behaviour is due to her being overwhelmed and acting out of panic or frustration. When people don't understand that, not only can they make my daughter worse, but her immediate needs are not being met. It's hard enough to deal with from strangers or acquaintances, but I don't think I could deal with it in close friends or family. I would just restrict access.

MMM3 · 09/04/2017 18:53

Your mother shouts and screams at an errant 7 year old?

I'd be inclined to say, "If she is psychopathic, she comes by it honest...". And then never speak to DM again.

Aeroflotgirl · 09/04/2017 18:54

She may be stressed with your daughter's behaviour, but those comments come too far. I would severely distance myself from her, she is very negative, and your daughter will be picking up such vibes. I agree, she could be holding it together at school, and then at home where she feels safe, letting everything out. My daughter displayed at school, so it was very easy to get help, as teachers were seeing it.

TheStoic · 09/04/2017 18:54

Keep her away from your daughter.

BonnyScotland · 09/04/2017 18:55

Your Mother is from a different generation... a time when all now behaviour issues were were in early stages of being recognised... or even diagnosed....

it's also very difficult being around a child who .. without understand all the facts ... appears to be violent and horribly behaved....

Seek the help your DD clearly needs...

yellowfrog · 09/04/2017 18:56

I don't want to 'label' her.

Please drop this idea. I have a "label" for my condition that I got late in life because my parents didn't want to "label" me. My life is a ton better, easier and healthier now I have the label and thus the tools to deal with the condition.

CheeseCakeSunflowers · 09/04/2017 18:57

I have a DS with ASD. I do not understand the "label" thing. If someone is diagnosed then it is entirely up to you as to who you tell so no-one need be labelled. If she were diagnosed she might find it a relief that there was an explanation for why she feels as she does and you would have an explanation to give your dm. If difficulties appear at secondary school level as they often do with ASD girls the diagnosis which can take years to get would be useful.

scaryteacher · 09/04/2017 18:59

My Nan said to my mother once that I would end up being a 'juvenile delinquent'. Here I am at 51, been married to a military officer for 31 years this year, have a degree, a postgrad, a ds about to graduate, and I used to teach secondary RE. The worst thing I have ever done is get a speeding ticket!

user1471558436 · 09/04/2017 19:01

It would help her hugely to know she's aspergers. It will help her understand herself.

Astro55 · 09/04/2017 19:02

Can you direct DM to a few websites? Particularly the ones that show the traits?

You will know that your daughter is in a 'state' and unable to recognise her own behavior and won't remember throwing/hitting so any immediate consequences don't work!

It's difficult to parent these children but you could educate your mother on what is essentially a hidden disability.

I agree that coping at school makes it harder for 'help' as targets are reached and therefor not 'failing' at school

NotAMammy · 09/04/2017 19:02

'She's not psychotic or evil, she's a seven year old who misbehaves, possibly due to having ASD. Your behaviour is actually more unreasonable and I will not bring my kids round while you find it acceptable to scream in their faces.'

Even if your daughter is an unmitigated brat who rules the roost, shouting at her and especially shouting in her face is not going to make the situation any better. Your mum needs to grow up.

scaryteacher · 09/04/2017 19:04

I meant to add, that my Mum still remembers Nan saying that, but ignored it, as Mum knew I was just letting off steam at 6 years old having been ill after seeing someone commit suicide.

Atenco · 09/04/2017 19:06

I find it hard to stomach anyone calling a seven-year-old evil. I would keep my children away from her.

FabricFabric · 09/04/2017 19:07

OP. While your mum was out of line, I have 2dds with asd. Please don't use the word "label", many of us with children with SEN find it hugely offensive. Quite frankly I don't think you know as much about asd as you think you do. Its very common with girls to mask and then fall apart when they can no longer cope. Even if you don't get a diagnosis, if she has asd - she'll still have it diagnosis or not.