To be upset that my mum called my 7yo evil and psychopathic

[purpleangel17]

I have a 7yo daughter who is a handful. I do my best but still she sometimes screams at me, slams doors, throws things and hits me. She is getting better as she matures and I do give consequences but thus far nothing seems to deter her enough for it to be the last time. My other daughter while sometimes cheeky would never act like this so I don't think it can be entirely down to my parenting. I am separated from her dad who had a diagnosis in adulthood of Asperger’s and I wonder if she also has similar difficulties. Anyway, we manage, she is good at school and I handle the meltdowns at home as best I can.

My mum however is completely intolerant of children being anything other than completely obedient. When my youngest plays up, she is furious and shouts and screams at her which just makes things worse. Today she told me I had to 'do something about my evil and psychopathic daughter'. I feel she has crossed a line. No child should be called that and she is neither evil nor psychopathic - at worst she is badly behaved.

Apologies if I've misread but this bit am I right in thinking your Mum screams in your daughters face?

Alongside the other things you describe, I really don't think she should have access to your daughter because, from what you've said, she sounds downright abusive. Your poor DD.

My daughter knows her dad has Asperger’s. She hates him for how he behaved and behaves. Right now it would actually be harmful for her to see herself as being 'like him'. Hopefully when she is older she can appreciate that potentially sharing a diagnosis doesn't mean she has to be like him. Right now she doesn't have the awareness for that. So a diagnosis would not be shared with her. I am getting her assessed for sensory needs to see if that helps. She is in a small private school and they understand her quirks. I am open to diagnosis when I can see a tangible benefit. That's not yet.

Oh no no no- please don't delay a diagnosis.

If she has ASD, the younger the better. She'll need to learn round about ways of doing everything and the brain is SO MUCH more plastic when young. For example, she may never naturally pick up on others emotions, but she can learn things like, "Wrinkly brow means a person is getting angry. Stop what I'm doing and think about what to do."

If her dad is a jerk, it's (at least in part) because he didn't get proper treatment. She will be. That's how she's different from him.

There is SO MUCH good work being done for these kids right now, don't be shy about getting help.

You're saying you don't want to 'label' her with a potential autism diagnosis. Why not? You could then be using strategies specific to the condition, if indeed that's what she has. Knowing if your child has autism is really, really helpful. Maybe the routine and rigid timetables etc. Are what helps manage her condition at school, and the lack of it sends her into tailspin at home? I can't see why you'd want to deliberately avoid a diagnosis.

Screaming 'stop shouting' in someone's face is about as meaningful as walloping a child because they hit someone. 'You can't do that unacceptable behaviour, but I can.' Yeah, great logic there.
Keep them apart.

One more tidbit that might change your mind about "labels."

Look up statistics where you live, but in the US, about 5% of children are classified "special needs" in school. In wealthy school districts, almost A THIRD are classified special needs. A THIRD! Rich people are paying big bucks for doctors and testing, to get these diagnoses, because it gives their kid a leg up on the competition. Extra tutoring, permissive grading, longer test periods.

I'm not suggesting that's a good thing to do, but don't pass up something you need. Label stigma is over. If anything it's a mark of attentive, involved, and resource rich parenting.

I think your mum had just had a very trying time with your DD.Your mum is only human and sometimes people get pushed beyond their limits, and snap

Thank you for the advice but I was asking about my mum's response rather than whether I should get my daughter assessed for ASD. I already use ASD strategies with her as do school. Right now I don't see how a diagnosis would make any difference and I make that judgement from an informed perspective.

Yanbu to be upset by your mother being horribly intolerant and abusive.

For what it's worth I agree with you about delaying formal diagnosis of possible aspie tendencies, especially if she won't benefit. You could however try private hypnotherapy or CBT to help her manage her thoughts and feelings at home.

Ah, I see you do stuff already. Good job.

Would she get a diagnosis of Aspergers though? I thought people were now getting diagnosed with ASD, not Aspergers anymore. I'd possibly use this to differentiate from her dad and make her feel she has something different from him.

Regarding your mother. I eventually went no contact with mine for 3 months. She said some pretty crappy things about my dd, who s NT and wasn't acting anything other than a normal 7 yr old (dd is almost 9 now). Then some other stuff happened and enough was enough. I can highly recommend a period of withdrawal. It was over the phone and I hung up. I called her once after 3 weeks specifically to elicit an apology. This didn't work and I kept calm and ended the call. She eventually sent me a "sorry if" apology.

My mother will never be the person I'd like her to be and it sounds as if yours won't either. It's the hand we are dealt. What your mum said was shit.

I've just seen your post of 19.37. Cross post.

My Mum's Mother called me evil at the same age - I was a confident child who has a personality like my Dad, who she hated. I am still resentful that my parents allowed the incident to be brushed under the carpet, and it affected me for a long time, along with the other vitriol she dripped in my ear. Please reassure your daughter that you are on her side, and protect her from abusive language.

Different circumstances but my mother also called my Dd a psychopath. Dd dropped my mum in it over something my mum had said. Mum lied, denied saying it and said Dd was a pathological liar, psychopath, should be locked up, etc. Haven't spoken to my mum in three years now. For me it was the final,straw.

And I felt that Dd needed to see that I was very much on her side and that I would stand up for her.

Totally unreasonable.

Kids misbehave.

My issue is what could the relative do to the child when you are not around because she doesn't like her? Left out from affection at best, slapped at worst?

DS 2 was like this. On one memorable family holiday , after a fairly average meltdown ( which dh and i ignored as we have learnt that dealing with it in full flow just makes it worse ) my mum said ' what are you going to do about him , he needs psychiatric help. I was shocked , upset and guilty all in one. I tried to explain what we did and our techniques but it fell on deaf ears. In the end we carried on and i just blocked out my mum's comments.

Fast forward four years , ds2 is much calmer . He can mostly manage his anger and now's he needs time alone when really annoyed. Last weekend my mum watched him manage a meltdown fairly quickly and said ' i can see why you dealt with him as you did when he was younger. He is so much calmer now - you've done a good job. Outwardly i didn't respond but inside the cheer was huge !!

You know your child ,seek help, read up but ultimately deal with her as you know how. Things will get better . Don't ruin your relationship with your mum , just blocked out any comments she makes. You are doing a great job.

I would tell your mother she either becomes very tolerant very quickly and learns not to call your children names, or you won't have any choice but to keep them away from her. What she said is very damaging. Can you imagine if either of your kids had overheard that? That would be quite disastrous for any child and could stay with them for a long time. If your suspicions are correct and your DD is on the spectrum. It has the potential of being even worse. Your mum needs to understand that saying such untrue, ignorant and judgemental vile could have severe consequences for everyone.

I'm really glad to hear your mum has come round Missmapp. However, OP is in a different situation as DM's comments are not just directed at OP, who is an adult and can easily ignore them. She's directing abusive comments and behaviour at OP's DD, who will take them onboard and will probably remember them for a long time. To me, that is stepping way over the line and I'd be ensuring nc between them unless DM promised to change her behaviour quite drastically (and followed through).

We've had similar though nowhere near so direct and upsetting. My DS has always been a bit odd and was extremely demanding as a preschooler. DM did not get it, decided it was my bad parenting, and really we don't see much of her as a result. DS has ' improved' , well he's the same boy but masks things in social situations much better now he's 14. But having said that he is pogoing up and down in front of the telly, obsessively checking the results of about 12 different matches in several sports on several channels, while sucking his thumb and twiddling with a muslin square. He's quite happy, and is not misbehaving,

You sound fantastic. Well done for having such a good attitude toward your daughters behaviour.

Keep your mother away from your child before she does some actual damage to the poor child.

I remember having such rage issues as a child. I was massively difficult. I just couldn't process my emotions! I'm completely fine now and that's through my parents constantly supporting me and helping through it. But it still hurts me all the memories of being called a psycho and maniac and evil by other family members. I wasn't any of those things. I was just very intense emotionally,

Your mother sounds toxic and ignorant.

Your mum's a bitch.

Go read a book called 'the explosive child' it will help you understand dd & how to help her

My mother said a few awful things to me about my DS and has also been horrible to him directly.
She has favourites as well, which is obvious to everyone.
It hurts as she was actually quite good as a parent herself and seems to have some sort of drastic change in the last few years. Become intolerant, racist and negative about pretty much everyone and everything while smothering one grandchild in kisses and affection.
Not sure what issues she has. Nor do I have the headspace to try to work it out or deal with it. We keep our distance but I know how hard it can be as it's a parent and it's difficult not to look for their acknowledgement of how we are doing as a parent from them. It's inbuilt in us to look to them for approval and so hurtful when we get the opposite.
My Ds has self esteem issues which I believe partially developed from her attitude towards him. It's messed up so all I can do to protect him is to keep him away from her.