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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask who should pay in this situ?

77 replies

Dinnerdilema · 09/04/2017 14:04

DD's birthday coming up soon. She said she would like to go to local trampoline park followed by lunch with her best friend. As it would be nice to have adult company, I thought I'd ask friend's mum (she's a good friend of mine) to join us for lunch, or the whole outing if she prefers. Trampolining costs about a tenner per child and I'd obviously pay for that. Adult spectators are free but we'd probably have a coffee as we watched.

My question Is, would it be the done thing for me to pay for lunch for all 4 of us, or should the bill be split 50/50? Alternatively, should I pay for the friend, as DD' s birthday guest, and expect her mum to pay for herself? I would add that I don't drive and, although we could go by bus, it would be easier by car. I thought I'd ask if my friend would mind driving, at least back from lunch, if not to the trampoline place too. It's all very local so not too much hardship for her I don't think. We wouldn't go anywhere too pricey - likely a chain restaurant like Bella Italia or Prezzo.

Sorry to ask but I always feel awkward in "Who pays" type situations so want to get it right!

OP posts:
DrinkFeckArseGirls · 09/04/2017 15:45

Don't invite the mum if you're short of money.

Redlocks28 · 09/04/2017 15:46

It's all very local so not too much hardship for her I don't think.

That is a massive assumption on your part.

What if she is busy? What if she doesn't want to spend the afternoon in a noisy trampolining place?

Ask her if she wants to come but don't assume she'll want to play taxi for you. How do you normally get around?

I have a 'friend' who chooses not to drive and expects the world to taxi her around because she finds parking stressful-it really pisses me off. I know most non-drivers aren't like this and are perfectly socially competent public transport users, but there are one or two who aren't. Please don't make assumptions.

pictish · 09/04/2017 15:46

Or you leave her off the invite.

stonecircle · 09/04/2017 15:50

Should've mentioned that I'm a single parent and not exactly rolling in cash (friend's family are reasonably comfortably off).

Absolutely 100% irrelevant.

You pay for lunch, but by all means accept if she offers you a contribution.

You tell her what bus you're getting, but if she offers to drive then of course accept.

Cafecat · 09/04/2017 15:54

OP of course you should pay for the whole thing. I don't know why you would be needing to ask. If you can't afford it, do something else or don't invite the mother in the first place. If you have to get the bus back and no lift because you didn't invite the mother, so be it.

Bahhhhhumbug · 09/04/2017 15:56

What's the issue with trampoline parks Blooming ? Safety I presume ? Took my grandkids to one when one first opened round here and they loved it but I remember cringing at the bigger kids flying around from trampoline to trampoline where there were smaller kids on. I'm not keen I must say unless they've tightened controls etc.

ShakingAndShocked · 09/04/2017 16:01

I would add that I don't drive and, although we could go by bus, it would be easier by car. I thought I'd ask if my friend would mind driving, at least back from lunch, if not to the trampoline place too. It's all very local so not too much hardship for her I don't think.

Excuse me a moment but just....

AAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH to that feckin cheek.

There, all better now Wink

expatinscotland · 09/04/2017 16:04

Gah, is it so hard to just take the two girls yourself? Why this need for 'adult company', it's a few hours tops. Just leave her off the invitation, never mind all these thoughts that she should drive you all there and pay for her coffee and lunch, too. If you're short of cash, you don't invite her.

Bahhhhhumbug · 09/04/2017 16:08

No Flogging not officially and never said long term . Really first few times she just heavily hinted /asked in a kind of 'Oh you live in such and such a town,don't you' when I bumped into her in the car park outside work so I just said 'Hop in I'll drop you off' and repeat. After a couple of occasions as I said she would wait by my car. But I didn't mind the lift giving and it possibly only added a few quid and extra five or so minutes to my journey, it was just the 'announcement' that bugged me for some reason even though I wouldn't have taken anything. I can't be doing with tightness I suppose.

BloomingDaffodil · 09/04/2017 16:09

Bahhhhhumbug = Yes safety issues, there have been loads of incidents reported in the press lately, people ending up in wheelchairs because of them, it sounds like scaremongering but these places are accidents waiting to happen

user789653241 · 09/04/2017 16:12

It really doesn't matter if you are single parent and they are millionaire!
You invited her to your dd's birthday treat, so I would expect you to pay, otherwise, just take children, and don't invite her Mum.

KitKats28 · 09/04/2017 16:25

I reckon Sunday is weird post day on here. You are only inviting her so you can get a lift, and so you aren't bored. Why on earth would you expect her to pay for anything?

If you can't afford lunch, then invite her back to your house afterwards and make pizza or something.

badhotfanny · 09/04/2017 16:30

Dd2 was recently asked out to lunch/cinema for a birthday trip - she was the dtd's only guest.

The parents said I could go if I wanted - dad is very clingy - and I did. Paid for my food and ticket - didn't expect not to. This is a slightly different situation as you might expect 5/6 year olds to go without a parent.

In your situation I'd expect to pay for your friend.

Letseatgrandma · 09/04/2017 16:36

Perhaps your friend might pay for you and your DD as well, as a birthday treat after she's driven you there and back again, seeing as how she's so comfortably off?

Not.

You sound like you want a lovely afternoon out for all concerned but don't want to have to pay for it!!

2014newme · 09/04/2017 16:38

If you can't afford it then either don't invite the mum or just do the trampoline and skip lunch.

You want her for adult company, a lift and fro and possibly to pay for her own lunch and coffee and maybe even her dds lunch. It does seem you are taking the piss. Take dd and pal to the trampoline on the bus then home for pizza if money is tight.

daffodilbrain · 09/04/2017 16:41

I took my DS and his friends trampoline for his birthday. Friend came to help With transporting the boys I paid for everything. I couldn't have done it with out her help

Eastereggeater · 09/04/2017 16:44

I was once invited on a similar outing. My DC was the only child invited to friend's birthday treat/lunch and I was invited to keep the mum company. It didn't occur to me that she wouldn't pay and even offered to drive as an expression of my gratitude. Imagine my surprise when the bill arrived and she clearly expected me to pay my whack! She'd even used vouchers cutting the bill in half! I felt embarrassed and hoped she hadn't picked up on my assumption that she'd pay as I hurriedly whipped out my card. When I told DH he was livid saying that she could have at least paid for DC, after all if you send your child to a party you don't expect to pay for their food! I saw his point and my embarrassment turned to anger. If I knew I'd be paying I doubt I would've gone. I was quite skint at the time and was also very busy. I vowed not to go out with her again, and never did.

Looking back, I think she had money problems but if that was the case why not chose a cheaper celebration, not expect someone else to sub her child's birthday!

So yes, 100% you pay!

FerdinandsRevenge · 09/04/2017 16:46

You pay op! I wouldn't ask for a lift either. If she offers that's a bonus but don't ask

mudddypudddles · 09/04/2017 16:49

Bit insane that the OP is offering to pay for the activity and lunch for all, but lots of you think it's cheeky to ask the friend to drive Hmm seriously? Confused

If you are inviting people then it's nice to offer to pay, but I would always offer to pay for myself in this kid of situation and let you pay for the birthday activities. I wouldn't bat an eyelid at paying for my own meal.

I would also not bat an eyelid if someone asked me for a lift in this situation, if I was driving there anyway I would offer Hmm

Midnightprobs · 09/04/2017 16:52

You should take both girls on the bus and pay for them both to trampoline. You could buy them a drink each but it's cheaper to take a drink for each of them in your bag.

You do the lunch another day with just you and your dd so you don't have anyone else to pay for.

TileTileTile · 09/04/2017 17:11

Some people are being a bit mean in their replies!!

I agree with those that have said it would be nice of you to offer to pay if you can afford it, and also that you shouldn't ask for a lift but accept if she offers.

However, I am more well off than a lot of my friends and I know some of my friends simply could afford to pay for everyone. I would feel awful if one of my not so well off friends had to go without so that she could buy my lunch. If I knew in advance a friend was paying and it was a lot of money to them, I would only order a main, order from the cheaper end of the menu and just 1 drink. I would still offer a contribution when the bill came, but wouldn't want to offend by insisting on paying. Hopefully your friend does this.

If you really can't afford to pay it is best to make it known in advance and just be honest - if a friend said to me 'I would love to pay for everyone but simply can't afford it, so can only afford to pay mine and the DCs' I wouldn't think badly of them, many of my friends are in this situation.

2014newme · 09/04/2017 18:43

Yes but the lunch isn't compulsory, if the op can't afford lunch she can take the girls home for lunch after. Or just take the girls to lunch and not the mum.
The op is adding to the cost by inviting the mum along, hoping mum will pay for herself and give her a lift! #freeloader

Bahhhhhumbug · 11/04/2017 17:30

OMG Blooming have just read a bit up about it and its awful. I only thought of the danger of head banging together if more than one on a trampoline but there's lots of other awful possibilities too it seems. My step GS is a real stunt boy and loves doing somersaults and back flips from standing (on the ground that is ) It makes me cringe as he is very good but he often just makes it round iykwim and narowly avoids landing on his head. Even though he is 'only' my step GS so I really shouldn't be sticking my oar in I have got my DH to have a word with his DS (DSGSs dad) and tell him he's gonna break his bloody neck one day but to no avail he still does this stuff at home . So you can imagine what same child is like on a trampoline tries to do doubles and even triples etc. I even suggested he should go to gymnastics(me and his DGF/my DH would pay but he wont he says its girlie. My logic being if at least he was trained to land safely and so on and be safely supervised using the trampoline (my DGD has done gymnastics for eight years or so because she too was big on climbing and rolling and swinging from everything in sight.

Bahhhhhumbug · 11/04/2017 17:36

and was going to say she somehow looked 'safer' when we took them all if that makes sense. But I wont take them again I'll let her just stick to her properly supervised classes and as for stunt boy DGS well it wont be happening on my watch and I just pray he loses interest or has a good guardian angel behind him. I cant believe there isnt stricter regs and training for the staff it seems to be a lottery and how responsible etc each management is in these places..

Guitargirl · 11/04/2017 17:52

OP - I know you already have your answer. But flippin' 'eck, can't believe you had to ask!

When the DCs go to weekend parties, I often take advantage of the time to catch up on work/go out/watch crap on TV/read/sleep.

I would be so unimpressed at being asked to accompany an older child to a party to keep the birthday child's mum company, pay for my own meal and oh, yes, then expected to drive there and back too. So even if it's a nice lunch place, I wouldn't even be able to have a cheeky glass of wine .

And, it doesn't matter if she's a multi-millionaire. It's still not ok.