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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask who should pay in this situ?

77 replies

Dinnerdilema · 09/04/2017 14:04

DD's birthday coming up soon. She said she would like to go to local trampoline park followed by lunch with her best friend. As it would be nice to have adult company, I thought I'd ask friend's mum (she's a good friend of mine) to join us for lunch, or the whole outing if she prefers. Trampolining costs about a tenner per child and I'd obviously pay for that. Adult spectators are free but we'd probably have a coffee as we watched.

My question Is, would it be the done thing for me to pay for lunch for all 4 of us, or should the bill be split 50/50? Alternatively, should I pay for the friend, as DD' s birthday guest, and expect her mum to pay for herself? I would add that I don't drive and, although we could go by bus, it would be easier by car. I thought I'd ask if my friend would mind driving, at least back from lunch, if not to the trampoline place too. It's all very local so not too much hardship for her I don't think. We wouldn't go anywhere too pricey - likely a chain restaurant like Bella Italia or Prezzo.

Sorry to ask but I always feel awkward in "Who pays" type situations so want to get it right!

OP posts:

user1471558436 · 09/04/2017 14:40

If she's driving, you should pay

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 09/04/2017 14:44

I think you pay for trampolining and all lunch. Don't need to pay for coffees.

Chippednailvarnishing · 09/04/2017 14:49

(friend's family are reasonably comfortably off)

That's completely irrelevant and actually makes me cringe that you think like that.

RainbowsAndUnicorn · 09/04/2017 14:50

Whoever invites pays regardless of birthday or not.

pictish · 09/04/2017 14:53

Whether she's reasonably comfortably off or not, it's still your occasion and therefore your shout.

SolomanDaisy · 09/04/2017 14:55

You pay, obviously. I'm surprised you have to ask! And you expect her to drive too!

HappCatt · 09/04/2017 14:56

I think it's ok to ask if she wouldn't mind driving. Nothing wrong with that but I'd definitely offer to pay for lunch AND parking (if needed)

Sounds like a nice birthday treat. Hope you have a lovely day.

If you want to keep costs to a minimum you could always go to the restaurant for main courses then back home for dessert, cake and coffees. Depends if your DC love the desserts at the restaurant or not. We regularly go home for dessert and coffees out of choice rather than because of cost but I have noticed it's make a massive difference to the bill.

pictish · 09/04/2017 14:57

Being expected to provide transport and pay for her own lunch is not being invited. It's doing you a favour.

GreenHillsSunnySkies · 09/04/2017 14:58

You're extending an specific invitation for an occasion/event i.e. it's not just two friends getting together for lunch or the case where several mums choose to wait around at a kids party venue. In this situation you're asking her to stay which makes you the host of the mum as well as her DD therefore you pay. If she offers to pay her own way you simply tell her no thanks, your treat, it's part of the birthday celebration expenses.

Floggingmolly · 09/04/2017 15:00

Tell her you now have a meloncholy baby on your hands; so get some actual cake pronto.

Floggingmolly · 09/04/2017 15:00

Haha, wrong thread

BertrandRussell · 09/04/2017 15:06

Loving that the usual Mumsnet giving somebody a lift to where you are going already is akin to donating a kidney" attitude!

OP. If you can afford it it would be nice to pay for everyone. If you can't just say "I'll be paying for Esmarelda of course- but although I'd love to come too, I can't afford to pay for your lunch, I'm sorry. Is that OK?"

Floggingmolly · 09/04/2017 15:08

She's not going already... .

OSETmum · 09/04/2017 15:08

It's your dd's birthday treat so you really have to pay. She'all probably get a present so you can't really expect both... and a lift too.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 09/04/2017 15:10

100% you should pay.

Floggingmolly · 09/04/2017 15:11

If I was invited to a party and immediately asked to ferry the entire guest list there and back, I would suspect that was the sole reason I'd been invited.
I would not think "sure, why not, I'm going anyway".

merlynsam · 09/04/2017 15:12

You pay - and make it clear up front.

I met friends for lunch recently, but I suggested the venue closer to me and about 1 hour drive for friends because I have a broken shoulder and can't drive (needed a mutual friend to join us and drive me). I paid for everyone as it was 'part of the deal' which I expressed explicitly beforehand. We had no awkward moments about who pays, should I have an extra coffee etc.

MudCity · 09/04/2017 15:18

Absolutely you pay and I wouldn't ask for her to drive either. If she offers, great, if not then catch the bus.

Her financial situation is irrelevant.

FinallyHere · 09/04/2017 15:20

The clue here is in the invitation, if you invite, the assumption is that you will pay.

If that is beyond your means, best not invite on this occasion.

ENormaSnob · 09/04/2017 15:27

You should pay.

Not sure re the lift, she may fancy a glass of wine with lunch in which case she may prefer to use public transport herself.

Bahhhhhumbug · 09/04/2017 15:32

I have friends/family/acquaintances like this among the ones who don't drive notably who will think nothing of expecting me to 'take my turn' when it comes to buying the coffees /alcoholic drinks etc even though I have ferried them there and back door to door saving them £10 to £15 in taxi fares or at least a fiver on public transport..I don't expect them to pay but just wish sometimes someone who doesn't drive would acknowledge my contribution car,petrol,parking and buy me a bloody drink.
Even a short journey two ways (and you were going to get the bus so must be a few miles at least) will cost your friend at least the price of a lunch and save you busfare.

I once used to regularly give a work colleague a lift home from work and she even started waiting at my car if she's noticed was on same shift and never ever offered a penny (I was going slightly longer route to drop her off home too) Her argument? ...that she bought a weekly bus pass so I wasn't actually saving her any money on the days I took her home (sometimes two sometimes up to four times a week depending on shift) Stupid thing was I wouldn't have taken money off her anyway but would have been nice for her to have offered or even bought me a odd drink in the staff canteen or whatever. It was the attitude more than anything.

BloomingDaffodil · 09/04/2017 15:34

I wouldn't ask her to drive, it smacks of 'I am only inviting you to make my life easier'.

I can't believe people are still letting their kids use trampoline parks

Bahhhhhumbug · 09/04/2017 15:35

I never asked work colleague for petrol money btw she just announced at end of first week she wasn't going to give me anything because of her bus pass

pictish · 09/04/2017 15:43

Agreed. I am totally sympathetic to your financial plight. I know all about ekeing out what little there is and trying to work out the best cost-effective ways of doing things, but don't be so eager to cut costs that you end up seeming mercenary.

That you even considered any scenario other than you paying for lunch for everyone, says you have lost perspective there. Of course you pay! Why would she want to drive you all to your daughter's birthday and split the cost 50/50?!

If, and only if, she is a very good pal of yours, you can explain that you'd love her company on the day but you're short on readies and can't stretch to paying for her lunch too. That's fine.

In all other cases, you pay.

Floggingmolly · 09/04/2017 15:44

Did you offer her an ongoing lift in the first place, Bah?

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