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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave long term relationship...

40 replies

Anna6567 · 09/04/2017 10:31

for no significant issue other than I don't think we're right for each other and even though I'm desperate for children and 33, it just doesn't feel right anymore?

Great guy - loyal, cares deeply for me, works hard but we just don't seem to have much in common anymore? He wants to get married and I just kind of feel numb about our relationship but I have to be honest - I'm scared - it's been 11 years, we have a nice life and dogs but I just don't think it's for me. I worry I'll regret my choice or miss my opportunity for a family but I'm not the kind of person to just start a family when I'm feeling this way - we both deserve more but my friends think I'm mad and are making me doubt myself. I know it's my choice but I feel quite overwhelmed about it all and hoped for other experiences or advice?

OP posts:
User098789056733 · 09/04/2017 10:38

Really don't want to read and run, but as someone who left a relationship that was nothing special but was easy and with someone I could've done everything with with little fuss. I can tell you it was the best thing I ever did. I went and lived with my mum, and had a great time on my own and met a man who absolutely adores me. My life is financially harder, and I'm facing things I could've never imagined. But at least I'm not feeling like it's wrong! Xxxx good luck op.
Hugs Flowers

Trills · 09/04/2017 10:43

Don't have children with someone if you are already not happy with your relationship.

anon050 · 09/04/2017 10:50

Have you disccused your feelings with him? Are there activities or things you can do together to bring some excitement back? Is he willing to change or do new things? You need to make a list of what you want in a relationship and in a partner ( the type you do want to marry and have kids with) and then make a list of things you don't want. Also list what it is about him or he isn't doing that makes you have reservations about your future. Until you are clear about what you do and don't want, how can you make a clear well informed choice?

Polarbearflavour · 09/04/2017 11:52

Hmmm think carefully though. I did this is and my ex fiancé is now happily married with a baby and I'm 30 and single and no happier. I think I'm unhappier than I was with him.

I would have an honest conversation and see if you can improve things before you decide to leave.

Booboo27 · 09/04/2017 11:56

I left my ex of 5 years as I just wasn't feeling those sort of feelings for him anymore. He was a nice, kind, intelligent person who didn't have a bad bone in his body. Quite handsome too and had a good career and a nice family. I just felt unfulfilled with him and, dare I say it, a bit bored. We didn't have much in common and our conversations always seemed slightly forced. Our sex life was pretty non existent too as it would just feel like having sex with a friend with no passion or sexual chemistry.
I'm now with someone who I'm much better suited to. He's still a nice, kind, intelligent, handsome person with a good career and a nice family, but he's also hilariously funny, great in bed, interesting and we have loads in common

BoneyBackJefferson · 09/04/2017 13:04

Don't stay to have a child, you will trap the both of you together forever.

Yes you can get divorced but you would always ave a link in the form of a child. (put in mainly for those that will say you can still separate).

You are better off leaving now and giving both of you the chance to be happy.

Original poster
Anna6567 · 09/04/2017 17:16

Thanks - I know deep down it's probably time for us to move on - I just feel full of self doubt and wanted some kind of reassurance that others have done this and things have worked out. I think I'm just scared as we've been together for so long and it's easy for me to talk myself round to staying another 6 months, and another etc etc but if I do want a family at some point and I really don't think he's right for me then it's better late than never for me to move on - and him aswell

OP posts:
mistermagpie · 09/04/2017 17:59

Do what you need to do and end it now. I was in your position and married my 'safe but dull' boyfriend because I was 30 and wanted a family. I did love him, but looking back I wasn't in love with him. The marriage lasted 18 months before I knew I had to end it. I never did get pregnant in that time despite ttc, although if I had then I think we would still be together for 'the sake of the kids' and I would still be unhappy in the relationship.

We split about six years ago and since then I have married my now DH and we have two children. I am so so much happier than I ever was before and it scares me to think I could have ended up stuck with my first husband and miserable. My now DH and I are so much more suited to each other, I love talking to him and we have such a good time together. He is everything I wanted the first time around.

Don't sell yourself (or him) short, you do deserve better and you can have it. It's not fair on either of you to stick it out for any longer when you feel like this. In my first marriage I asked myself 'can I really do this for another 50 years?' - can you?

mistermagpie · 09/04/2017 18:01

I meant to say, I had been with my first husband for 8 years before we got married. That made it very hard to leave but it was worth it, I have never regretted it for a second.

ShampooForMyRealFriends · 09/04/2017 20:47

To the people who say they left their "safe but dull" partners, I have a genuine, non-snarky question. How much did you talk to those partners about why you were, if not unhappy, then less-than-happy? How much did you try to make things better in your relationship?

I've recently been on the receiving end of a dumping like this. My partner of three years just left out of the blue one day, basically because he wasn't feeling it anymore. Ok, he had some genuine grievances with our relationship, but nothing that couldn't be fixed. However, from my point of view, there had been no attempt at communicating to me that he was unhappy, or what kind of changes would make him happier. I strongly feel that if he had talked to me about these issues, things would have improved for both of us.

I'm not trying to derail the OP's post, but obviously for me I don't feel my now-ex partner made the right decision. However, I'm wondering how many of you had made a concerted effort to improve things and it didn't work, and how many just couldn't be bothered anymore and left for greener pastures. This might also inform OP's future choices, because it sounds like most of you, and your former partners, are generally happier now than you were in these safe-but-dull relationships.

Booboo27 · 09/04/2017 21:14

I definitely tried to make things work with my ex. We had many discussions about why the spark was diminishing betwee us and what we could do about it. We exhausted every option but it was obvious that we just weren't that well suited and were both getting bored of trying to make something work that just wasn't there. I think we carried the relationship on as neither of us wanted to take the first move of ending things and upsetting the other. I didn't want to stay with someone who I saw more like a friend figure. In the final year of our relationship we slept together just once and that was the straw that broke the camels back for me.
Yes he was a nice person. Yes he was kind. Yes he was loyal. But sometimes things like that just aren't enough if you don't truly love them.

peachgreen · 09/04/2017 21:44

I left someone after a decade for very similar reasons. Four years later and I'm married, buying a house and starting a family with the most wonderful man in the world who is every cliche you've ever read about true love ever and then some. He's the absolute best thing that's ever happened to me.

Quite aside from that, the year I spent single was like a rebirth. I hadn't realised how much that lukewarm relationship had been suffocating me.

Best thing I ever did. If you feel it's right, go for it.

Booshbeesh · 09/04/2017 21:47

Do you think that maybe you feel this way because in 11 years u havnt progressed? You havnt committed to him fully - marriage/children?

peachgreen · 09/04/2017 21:47

Shampoo, I had tried hard for years. We'd had several 'come to Jesus' talks. I gave up for the last year though because he hadn't changed and I felt I couldn't keep banging my head against a brick wall, so I found a new hobby and just started living my life on my own terms. In that respect I think it probably felt like it came out of the blue for him too which I regret, but I couldn't have stayed a moment longer and he did acknowledge that he'd never fixed any of the issues I had raised.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 09/04/2017 21:57

shampoo you can't talk someone into feeling a spark with you.

ShampooForMyRealFriends · 09/04/2017 22:06

RunRabbit

I guess I feel that in most of these cases there was probably a spark to begin with - I hope that's why most people start relationships, rather than because they have nothing better to do! I know there was between my partner and me.

So really the question is "what did you do to try to regain that spark?". And maybe more generally, "what can be done to regain it?". Maybe you think that the answer to the second question is "nothing", but even aside from my personal situation I'd like to think it can be done.

ShampooForMyRealFriends · 09/04/2017 22:07

And peach and booboo - thank you for your answers!

Cherrysoup · 09/04/2017 22:12

Does your dp know how you feel? Is it fixable? Even if it is, you sound decided. I think you need to put on your brave pants and do the deed, OP. Some very encouraging stories on here. :)

Booboo27 · 09/04/2017 22:27

Yes we had a big spark at the start. We were crazy about each other! But sometimes people who aren't quite right for each other will start to drift apart. Or sometimes people just change and their preferences also change. We tried everything from making more quality time together, to going out on more dates, to trying to spice things up in the bedroom, to getting involved more in each other's interests and friendship groups. We had many heart to heart conversations but something just never felt quite right. I didn't want to waste more time with someone who I just felt a bit bored around. He is also now in a much happier relationship with someone he's much better suited to so it's win win all round. Don't cling onto something that isn't working. If it was right then there wouldn't be so much hesitation

Original poster
Anna6567 · 10/04/2017 00:31

Thanks all - really appreciate the honest comments.
We have discussed things and I feel very much aligned with what booboo27 has written. We have a great friendship but an almost non existent sex life. We're very honest with each other and have said perhaps we are better suited as friends. I think it's scary for us both though as we've been together so long and have built a nice life together but I want to move onto the next phase - marriage and children - and while I know he wants these too, I'm hesitant as I think we both have time to meet better suited partners and start a family etc.

The desire to make it work is strong as otherwise the last decade has been a bit of a waste really! But I feel I should appreciate the good things about the relationship and what its taught me - it's certainly had it's enjoyable moments - but accept that we've grown up and into quite different people.

I would hope we could both meet other people and create the families we both desire. I feel guilty but at the same time I think he could be so much happier - and me too.

I don't even know how to date as I've been with him my entire adult life!

OP posts:
Sunnyjac · 10/04/2017 02:37

Follow your instincts. If it doesn't feel right despite trying then it isn't right. You can't spend your life worrying about upsetting your partner if that means upsetting yourself. I was with my previous partner for 8 years, which was 5 years too long because I didn't want to hurt him. After I left he met his now wife within six months! I'm now married too with a future I look forward to. Life is about balancing needs but you must keep yours in mind as much as your partner's. It will work out

Original poster
Anna6567 · 10/04/2017 16:48

Thanks Sunny - we had another talk and he said he feels we've tried everything and that although he hopes we are always friends, that he feels increasingly judged by me and that I disapprove when he has fun and enjoys himself.

I definitely don't want him to feel that way and as sad as it makes us both, it feels like maybe we just need to part ways.

Is it meant to feel this scary? What if I realise in six months it was a terrible mistake and he's met someone else and I'm left with nothing but regret?

Doesn't matter though - if we both feel this way we can't carry on - no matter how much we care for each other.

I think I was naive and just thought when you met someone you got on with you could make it work but actually, if there are differences there it can breed discontent and I think that's what's happened with us.

OP posts:
Booboo27 · 10/04/2017 16:52

If he does meet someone else before you do then it's normal to feel a bit freaked out by it. You've spent a massive chunk of your life with him. But having those sorts of anxieties still doesn't mean that he's the right guy for you. It's a massive change for you both and you'll probably have many moments where you waver or get very upset about it all. I almost felt like I was grieving when me and my ex parted as it felt so weird to suddenly be living alone and not have his company. I have zero regrets though and am a billion times happier now (it just took a few months to get to that point and you'll get there too)

Original poster
Anna6567 · 11/04/2017 02:03

Yes it feels very scary and anxiety inducing now it's a reality. Previously when I thought about starting again I would also have feelings of excitement but now it's becoming reality I'm scared and upset. He has so many great qualities in that he's a nice man who cares so deeply for me and would never abandon me in a crisis - but there's other men like that I hope but ones who I perhaps have more in common with and who I don't feel stifled by at times.

I'm starting to think that I'm crazy but that's maybe the fear talking.

OP posts:
peachgreen · 11/04/2017 07:30

Anna Even when you know you're doing the right thing, leaving someone you've spent so long with is terrifying. I remember it well! It will be really hard for a while but it will get easier every day. About two months after my break up, I had a month of saying yes - a month where I agreed to every night out, every date, every adventure. It was amazing and I had so many incredible experiences that I wouldn't have done otherwise. Be kind to yourself, prioritise yourself for a while and be open to new experiences and you'll be just fine. And remember: you want a family, and having a family with the wrong person is a terrible idea and never works. So you've made the right decision. Best of luck xxx