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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To leave long term relationship...

40 replies

Anna6567 · 09/04/2017 10:31

for no significant issue other than I don't think we're right for each other and even though I'm desperate for children and 33, it just doesn't feel right anymore?

Great guy - loyal, cares deeply for me, works hard but we just don't seem to have much in common anymore? He wants to get married and I just kind of feel numb about our relationship but I have to be honest - I'm scared - it's been 11 years, we have a nice life and dogs but I just don't think it's for me. I worry I'll regret my choice or miss my opportunity for a family but I'm not the kind of person to just start a family when I'm feeling this way - we both deserve more but my friends think I'm mad and are making me doubt myself. I know it's my choice but I feel quite overwhelmed about it all and hoped for other experiences or advice?

OP posts:

Original poster

Anna6567 · 11/04/2017 08:56

Thanks peach - I really need the reassurance just now, I'm wobbling so much but he's pretty steadfast that we're doing the right thing.

It seems so unfair! So many right things but still something just doesn't feel right. My friends all seem to think we're making a mistake which doesn't help. One friend keeps reminding me of how nice a life we have and how I might end up alone and miss the chance to have kids and I know she's just trying to be a realist but it's really scary to hear!

OP posts:

Peanutbuttercheese · 11/04/2017 09:52

Until you hit around 45 and see where your life took you then you won't know.

I settled young, childhood sweetheart from age 16 grew up in my twenties and left him aged 28. We were married by then though. Deliberately had a year of being single. Started dating DH aged 31, we were together for 18 years before we had some really problematic issues and tbh it's him not standing up to his awful family that's the main problem. We are working on those issues though.

Original poster

Anna6567 · 12/04/2017 13:17

Well it's over - I thought it was for the best but I'm totally devastated. Full of instant regret but it's done now, no going back. Who knows if it was the right thing to do but I'm hoping with time things will become clearer.

Right now thinking what have I done. I think I need some therapy - I shouldn't feel this anxious all the time and doubt my decisions. I've been so unfair to him - I think he truly loved me and I've pushed him away.

OP posts:

peachgreen · 12/04/2017 14:53

Good luck OP. Just keep reminding yourself of the reasons you did this. He also felt it was the right decision which is a sure sign something wasn't right between you. You will find someone who sets your world on fire and who is the right person to start a family with. In the meantime, get to know yourself again, focus on your own goals and hobbies and enjoy the space and freedom that comes with being single.

EC22 · 12/04/2017 14:54

Do it.

EC22 · 12/04/2017 14:55

Just read that you've done it.
Of course it will be hard, he has been part of your life for such a long time. Take care of yourself x

MrsMeeseeks · 12/04/2017 14:57

Breaking up with someone who has never actually done anything wrong is unbelievably hard! I was in a similar position with my ex fiance, OP: we were very happy together but more like best friends or flatmates than lovers. I stayed with him for years just because he was nice to me and never cheated. Breaking up was very difficult and we almost got back together a few times but he found another girlfriend very quickly (be prepared for this to happen: it stings!) and now we are both very happily married to far more suitable partners.

qumquat · 12/04/2017 15:12

I am in this situation although we had the child. I completely understand your feelings of doubt and regret. I still have them one year on from moving out. Sometimes I'm happier sometimes I'm not. It's so tough but I have to keep reminding myself why I did it and that there came a point where I had to be honest with XP. I'd give all the tea in China to fall in love with XP, or just be satisfied with what we had, but it just wasn't happening.

Ginlinessisnexttogodliness · 12/04/2017 15:12

You're only 33. Not too old or running out of time to have a family at all.

As others have said, if it is doesn't feel right then actually it's the right thing to do for the person you've spent this long with and not just yourself. Having children with someone you're crazy about is hard work: how insurmountable it could be with someone you just feel ambivalent about is unthinkable to me. Well from the outset at least.

qumquat · 12/04/2017 15:14

'Breaking up with someone who has never actually done anything wrong is unbelievably hard!'

This is so true!

birdspooping · 12/04/2017 18:36

Hi OP, we're in the same boat! 35yo and just finished relationship with a great guy on paper. My heart just wasn't in it. Slightly different in that we'd only been going out for under 3 years, but it's been a huge step to take the plunge into the unknown, and it's been so hard to know whether to trust my feelings/gut or not. Had been umming and ahhing for about a year.

Some great advice on this thread. One that really struck home was the poster who asked whether you can imagine another 50 years with him. I can't.

And 33 is still so young so try not to listen to people who say fertility drops off a cliff after 35. All being well you've got over a decade to find the one and have a baby!

Original poster

Anna6567 · 14/04/2017 03:02

Thanks for all the advice - I feel so conflicted about this and really hope I don't live to regret it. I love him but I need to take this time to work on myself and figure out why I feel so anxious and overwhelmed.

It's very scary and I wish I felt more sure of my decision but it's not fair on him to carry on when I'm changing my mind all the time.

I wish I could just run away and lose all these feelings - I have moments where I feel utterly bereft and that makes me think I've done the wrong thing but maybe it's just a natural way to feel when I've just ended such a big part of my life.

OP posts:

peachgreen · 14/04/2017 09:28

Anna, I remember these feelings so well! It's totally, totally normal. You're grieving both the lost potential of the relationship you WANTED to have with him, and also the person who was the biggest part of your life for 10 years. Break ups are so odd because it's not like a friendship which gradually drifts as people change, it's a hard and fast change from one intense state (cohabitation) to another (no / minimal contact). You will need to grieve, it's totally right to do so, and totally normal to have massive wobbles. But trust me when I say that when you're in the right relationship, the THOUGHT of leaving or breaking up is completely, completely alien. It's unthinkable. My husband and I have had big and serious things to deal with but leaving him has never even crossed my mind.

You ended it for the right reasons, but even then, this part sucks. It was always going to suck. You just have to grit your teeth and get through it. It WILL get easier, I promise.

Original poster

Anna6567 · 14/04/2017 11:53

Thanks Peach - it's a great comfort to know these feelings of despair and regret are normal.

It seems so insane when so many people post on here about abusive and horrible partners yet I leave a relatively healthy relationship due to some serious questioning about the long term compatibility of the people involved and feel like I must be crazy.

The question is really why I don't believe it's possible to have anything more than best mate type relationship and I should be grateful for such. Why don't I think its possible for more for me?

I'm glad you've found someone more suited to you - it's helpful to believe there's something more suited to me out there and that this isn't my one and only chance!

OP posts:

peachgreen · 14/04/2017 14:33

Anna I felt exactly the same which is why I stayed with my ex for so long. I felt like that was just what I got and I should be grateful. But it really wasn't. And it's not just my DH - I was single for a year and it was a million times more emotionally fulfilling than being with my ex. I dated, I hung out with my friends, I flourished in my career, I saw loads of theatre and drank loads of wine and had sex with people I had always imagined would be a million times out of my league... Turned out all those amazing experiences were out there for me and I was good enough for them all along, I'd just sabotaged my chances of having them by staying in a 'safe' relationship with a perfectly 'nice' guy. And it was SO destructive, without me even realising it. I was miserable and didn't even really know - it wasn't until I came alive as a single person that I realised how muted I'd been for all those years. Friends and family said that I'd got my sparkle back, and it really felt that way.

If I could have anything, obviously it would be to have met my DH when I was younger. But the next best thing would have been to have ended my relationship much earlier, when I first started having doubts, and have got to have been single for longer - it was fun and scary and thrilling and challenging and taught me so much about myself. I am a stronger, better person because of it and although there were hard moments, I wouldn't change it for the world. Honestly.

All that is out there for you and you will get it. You're not ready for it yet because you need time to grieve, but you will be. You'll be okay, OP.

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