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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How do I rescue this holiday

59 replies

TeamB1 · 09/04/2017 09:32

Name changed.
We are currently on holiday in a warm European country. My other half has been coming here since he was younger and we invited two friends, another couple whom we often socialise with. It's day 2 and it's turning into a bit of a car crash.
My partner has OCD and mild social anxiety- he's been diagnosed but stopped taking his medication a few months ago (without speaking to his doctor) and I think it's definitely definitely got worse. It's very difficult to manage and he doesn't fully appreciate he has a problem. I'm being as kind and supportive as I can but it's not easy.
Our friends are really lovely but very different ideas of what makes a good holiday. Theyre early risers, drink a lot (early morning pint before the flight etc) and probably act their age a lot more than we do They're not pressuring us at all to drink to excess or anything like that and are very very polite but I do feel that they feel obliged to move at our pace and we're holding them back slightly. It's a bit stressful.
Ever since we got here my other half has been giving me the cold shoulder and has been noticeably off with me when we're alone. When I've tried probing he's not willing to talk about anything and insists he's fine but I know he's not.
We've paid a lot for this holiday and have been looking foreword to it for a while. How do I rescue it?

OP posts:
sparechange · 09/04/2017 09:36

What would you be doing if the other couple weren't there? Meal out, sightseeing, activity?

Book something, and say to the others 'dp and I have made plans for tonight/tomorrow for a bit of 'us time'. See you later'

Will something 'familiar' to him lessen his OCD and take the stress off?

And then a chat when you get home about his meds

GlitteryFluff · 09/04/2017 09:36

Can you suggest splitting up into each couple for some of the days or even just part of the day so either spend whole days separate or just mornings but you meet for the afternoon or for dinner?
That way you can lay in, they can get up and out and drink. You's can take it easier? But yet still meet as a group too?

CaptainMarvelDanvers · 09/04/2017 09:37

Can't the other couple go off and do their own thing and you meet back up at dinner time?

FloatyCat · 09/04/2017 09:37

One day alone as a couple, one day together doing activities agreed by all 4 of you? Then alternate?

MatildaTheCat · 09/04/2017 09:38

Be completely open that everyone must do their own thing, especially during the daytime, perhaps gathering for pre dinner drinks? Trying to all do the same things together all day never really works on group holidays unless it's activity themed.

Is your dh maybe more anxious due to being away from home rather than due to friends? Or does he feel responsible for them having a good time? Talk, it's not too late to improve things although it's possible the friends are feeling fine anyway.

user1483387154 · 09/04/2017 09:38

Why don't you and the other family separate for the day? You can spend quality time with you husband and try to find out what is wrong and have a more relaxed day doing the stuff you would normally do. The other family can do whatever they want and you could meet again for evening meal and drinks etc.

HeddaGarbled · 09/04/2017 09:39

Can you go and enjoy yourself with your friends and leave him to sulk on his own?

FanaticalFox · 09/04/2017 09:39

Why did he stop taking his meds?! Nightmare. Not a massive amount you can do except have a bigger conversation with him about whats wrong and why hes acting of. Definitely arrange your own day out etc you don't need to hang around with them for the whole holiday. Lastly enjoy yourself! If your idea of fun is to have a day by the pool just sunbathing etc then do it! On your own if you have to.

user1471558436 · 09/04/2017 09:40

If he's being off when alone, why not book a day out just for yourself. Have some quality alone time. Stop trying to manage his OCD and his moods. It's your holiday too and you shouldn't spend it walking on egg shells

user1471558436 · 09/04/2017 09:40

Maybe he needs space and time to reflect

ChasedByBees · 09/04/2017 09:44

Does your partner want time alone time? What would you like to do? Your post is about what you think everyone else wants to do.

PaulDacresFeministConscience · 09/04/2017 10:03

Separating couples for the day sounds like a nice idea. Then ask your DP what he wants to do. If he carries on giving you the cold shoulder then I'd go off alone. I'm all for being supportive but I can't stand sulking.

ClopySow · 09/04/2017 10:20

I'd have a chat with the other couple, tell them not to feel obliged to do 'your' holiday and to enjoy things at their own pace.

I'd have a chat with your partner and tell him he either needs to talk to you about what's wrong or you'll be doing your own thing too. Anxiety does not get to trump your enjoyment of the holiday. I say that as someone who has suffered from anxiety.

Original poster
TeamB1 · 09/04/2017 10:23

I just broke down in tears before breakfast - told my partner that I can take him shutting me out anymore. He said he's not enjoying himself and he didn't want it to be a thing. He's being so cold. Made an excuse to the others to eat without me as I'm not feeling well. This is a nightmare

OP posts:
LettuceMash · 09/04/2017 10:24

Where are you? Maybe we can give suggestions of places to go?

ClopySow · 09/04/2017 10:28

But he's making it a thing by taking it out on you. He's being very unfair.

Floralnomad · 09/04/2017 10:34

What did he mean by 'didn't want it to be a thing' , what's the it ? Sounds really miserable for you OP

April2013 · 09/04/2017 10:35

I think of I was you I would leave him too it and get drunk with the other couple, if he won't tell you what the problem is and wants to continue treating you badly it is time to put yourself first. Explain the situation to the friends if that makes you feel more comfortable, just say he is annoyed with you and won't tell you why so are wanting to just give him some space. Sure they will be sympathetic and want to help you to have a good time. If you don't want to drink alcohol just hang out with them on mocktails and suggest a day trip etc, some space away from them sounds to be what you need.

FanaticalFox · 09/04/2017 10:35

He sounds like a really uncaring person. He is not enjoying it because of his OCD etc which is probably made worse be being in an unfamiliar place where he can't control everything. This is down to him because he stupidly chose to stop taking his meds. Tell him if hes not enjoying it thats fine then take yourself off for the day by yourself or with the other couple Flowers

April2013 · 09/04/2017 10:36

..I mean space from him.

pictish · 09/04/2017 10:43

He didn't want it to be a thing, yet he's totally making it a thing! So...basically he's going to be shitty but you're not supposed to protest. On top of that, you have now undoubtedly been handed a sense of obligation to arrange things so he enjoys himself more.

He's being a fucking bellend.

PetallyTyrants · 09/04/2017 10:46

Talk to the other couple. Give them a version of truth. A lot of people don't understand anxiety so you could say DH is under a lot of stress at work and having trouble unwinding. Say they should feel free to do their own thing and enjoy themselves.

Then find somethings to do that you will enjoy.

PaulDacresFeministConscience · 09/04/2017 11:05

What pictish said. MH problems don't mean that you can't be a bellend as well.

He's stopped his meds without medical guidance, refuses to fully acknowledge that he has problems - which leaves it for you to deal with - and he's now sulking because he's not enjoying himself. He doesn't want to "make it a thing". Really? By ignoring you and therefore ruining your holiday as well and putting you in the unenviable position of having to make excuses and apologies to the other couple? He sounds rather selfish and manipulative.

In your shoes I would either go off alone or I would gather my stuff, explain the situation to the other couple and jump on a plane back home, leaving Sulky McPassiveAgressive to his own devices.

AHedgehogCanNeverBeBuggered · 09/04/2017 11:16

Your OH sounds like he's being a prize idiot. Have a MH condition doesn't mean you have carte blanche to behave like a dick, nor does it mean you get to abdicate responsibility for your health regardless of the impact that has on your nearest and dearest.

Can you cut the holiday short and explain exactly what's happening to your friends? I'm sure they'll appreciate your honesty.

Alternative is to explain that he's not feeling himself, and it would be best to leave him to it - then go off with your friends and enjoy yourself. Deal with him when you get home.

LilaoftheGreenwood · 09/04/2017 11:19

It's not up to you to do the emotional labour for four people.

What do you want to do? Ok, you want to have a lovely holiday where everyone gets on well, but owing to your DP's actions and attitude this does not seem to be an option, so what would be next best? Going off on your own? Going off with the other couple? Figure out what you want, and take it with suitable explaining/asking. At the moment you're just sort of awaiting everyone else's permission or decision to make the holiday comfortable for you.

I'd be surprised if the other couple are worrying about any of this a tenth as much as you are. If they're really finding your pace unbearable they will suggest going off themselves. (Just a hunch but I think it's quite likely any reserve on their part is because they can sense you're doing the worrying for four people AND your DP is being a knob to you!)