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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How do I rescue this holiday

59 replies

TeamB1 · 09/04/2017 09:32

Name changed.
We are currently on holiday in a warm European country. My other half has been coming here since he was younger and we invited two friends, another couple whom we often socialise with. It's day 2 and it's turning into a bit of a car crash.
My partner has OCD and mild social anxiety- he's been diagnosed but stopped taking his medication a few months ago (without speaking to his doctor) and I think it's definitely definitely got worse. It's very difficult to manage and he doesn't fully appreciate he has a problem. I'm being as kind and supportive as I can but it's not easy.
Our friends are really lovely but very different ideas of what makes a good holiday. Theyre early risers, drink a lot (early morning pint before the flight etc) and probably act their age a lot more than we do They're not pressuring us at all to drink to excess or anything like that and are very very polite but I do feel that they feel obliged to move at our pace and we're holding them back slightly. It's a bit stressful.
Ever since we got here my other half has been giving me the cold shoulder and has been noticeably off with me when we're alone. When I've tried probing he's not willing to talk about anything and insists he's fine but I know he's not.
We've paid a lot for this holiday and have been looking foreword to it for a while. How do I rescue it?

OP posts:

Original poster

TeamB1 · 09/04/2017 11:23

Believe me, I want more than anything to hop on a plane and go home but that's not an option financially and I'd be wracked with guilt.
Other couple have gone out and I've said I have a migraine.
He's just come to give me a hug and say that he still loves me and he's now cooking lunch for all of us. I'm raging but trying to get myself into a mindset that I'm on my own on holiday.

OP posts:

pictish · 09/04/2017 11:25

"Really? By ignoring you and therefore ruining your holiday as well and putting you in the unenviable position of having to make excuses and apologies to the other couple?"

I know. He's making it a thing alright and he's handed it squarely to you. This sort of manipulative crap is despicable.

Booboo27 · 09/04/2017 11:26

Your OH is being a dick if he thinks it's ok to ruin your holiday as well as his by acting so frosty towards you.
Has he explained why he's not enjoying himself and what the actual problem is? Or is he just sulking like a moody teenager. It definitely sounds like he wasn't ready to be coming off his medication either

pictish · 09/04/2017 11:32

Ack. Got the desired result so on to the next thing eh?
Make sure you all tell him how delicious his fecking lunch is.

FeralBeryl · 09/04/2017 11:57

Right.
First option is to say to him that you realise he isn't enjoying himself as he's making it Fucking obvious
Ask him to take today to decide exactly what would make him enjoy himself, let you actually know then you can do it.
If it's different activities to the other couple, fine-you can make that work to a point.
If it's wanting to be on his own - fine, you can leave him to it without worrying.

He can't blame unfamiliar surroundings as a contributory factor either.

Option 2 - Fucking ignore him and go off with the others.

Nothing worse than a sulker.

Original poster

TeamB1 · 09/04/2017 12:41

I went out for a walk to clear my head. I come back and he's playing card games with the others and keeps asking me if we're okay. I can't deal with mind games

OP posts:

LilaoftheGreenwood · 09/04/2017 12:42

"say that he still loves me" Well, that's big of him after all your terrible caring supportive actions.

Hope you start having a better time very soon OP. Take no further interest in his feelings beyond benign detachment, get out of this whole tangled mess and find something that inspires you.

LilaoftheGreenwood · 09/04/2017 12:43

Oh dear x-post.

Are you in that position of being somewhere rural so you can't really head off without a lot of planning?

pictish · 09/04/2017 12:44

Mind games is precisely what he's playing at. Ugh.

NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom · 09/04/2017 12:58

Tbh I'd think fuck him & do my own thing-I wouldn't be making excuses to the other couple either.
He's stopped his meds, not your problem -don't let him spoil your holiday.

Titsywoo · 09/04/2017 13:06

Is he quite introverted? Sounds like he needed some space to himself and now he has had it he feels better. He has been shitty to you and has ruined your holiday so far. If I were you I'd try my best to enjoy myself from now on and don't worry about how he is feeling then when you get home have it out with him. If you do stay together stick to holidaying alone as a couple in the future.

Birdsgottaf1y · 09/04/2017 13:06

""I went out for a walk to clear my head. I come back and he's playing card games with the others and keeps asking me if we're okay. I can't deal with mind games""

So it isn't his anxiety, it was you.

What was it,was you enjoying yourself a bit too much for his liking? Or getting on too well with the others, acting confidently?

As said, his OCD isn't a get-out-of-jail free card. He's ruined the holiday for you, he took things to a point were he had to be different, or there'd be no coming back.

Total manipulation and mind games.

AncoraAmarena · 09/04/2017 13:10

You poor, poor thing.

How long do you have left of the holiday? Can you grit your teeth and put on the best performance of your life to get through it? Then sort it out with him once and for all when you're back? As in, just leave it for now, don't stress over his behaviour. Accept that he's being a tosser and do whatever you have to do to make the remaining days tolerable for you.

That's what I would try to do. In my head it would be over, but something to deal with when back home.

Deathraystare · 09/04/2017 13:26

He is being really selfish. He should not have stopped his meds with the ok from the doctor. He probably thought he was ok and that he knew best. What it has done is ruined your holiday. Selfish unthinking man!

DistanceCall · 09/04/2017 13:36

I don't think the problem with your husband is his OCD. Sounds like you have a bigger problem.

PaulDacresFeministConscience · 09/04/2017 14:45

He's just come to give me a hug and say that he still loves me

Still loves you despite what, exactly?

I come back and he's playing card games with the others and keeps asking me if we're okay

Oh what a surprise. He got you all wound up and bending over backwards to try and accommodate him. Then at the first sign of you not playing to his script and needing some time alone, he magically reverts to being 'OK' and is happily chatting with the other couple - leaving you to look like the one who is creating the tension.

He sounds like a manipulative dickhead. In your shoes I would be telling him "No, we aren't OK" and leaving. Even if it means sticking the flight on a credit card and having to work overtime to pay it off. I certainly wouldn't be wracked with guilt - about what? He's the one who is sulking and playing games. He sounds spoiled, unpleasant and tedious.

Life's too short to spend it with a dickhead. Go home and move on.

ClopySow · 09/04/2017 15:40

He still loves you? Well that's fucking big of him after he's been a total arsehole to you.

He's trying to make his shitty mood your fault.

DameDeDoubtance · 09/04/2017 18:13

He is messing you about, maybe have a rethink about the relationship.

LadyPW · 09/04/2017 18:57

Well I'm going to take a completely different view and suggest that he was struggling with the holiday but didn't want to say anything and ruin your holiday. Unfortunately in trying to hide his feelings he's buggered it for you anyway. Having had some space he's feeling more able to join in, and because he's had it made perfectly obvious to him (by you) that he's screwed it up he's trying to make it up to you by letting you know that it's not you that's the problem (it's the holiday) by telling you that he loves you. He's not playing mind games, he has mental health issues that can seriously fuck with his head & how he feels. You end up feeling really unnerved but then it's like the fog lifts and you can function again. Which is what he's doing.
Give him a chance & ask him what you could do together tomorrow that would make him feel more relaxed & at ease mentally. Then you'll hopefully both feel better.
Having mental health issues can be really horrible because you're not yourself. And it can bugger things up for other people too, but it's not intentional. Don't just write off the whole relationship as some posters seem to think you should just because of this.

MariafromMalmo · 09/04/2017 20:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LadyPW · 10/04/2017 09:24

No I'm not having a laugh, I'm being serious. You've obviously not experienced mental health issues yourself Maria or you'd understand how your brain can totally affect how you think & therefore act. If the OP wants to completely write her relationship off that's fine; it doesn't affect me in the slightest. But she might be chucking something that's otherwise good away because of something that he had no control of at that particular time (though coming off the medication was his choice).
I'm just suggesting that knee-jerk reactions aren't always the wisest move.

wasonthelist · 10/04/2017 09:27

This is why holidays are such a bad idea.

TheViceOfReason · 10/04/2017 09:46

He's not enjoying himself, so he's made fucking sure you aren't either.

Now it looks like you are sulking whilst he's being life and soul cooking for everyone and playing cards.

Yep, he's set you up all right.

I'd be taking myself off for the day and having a long hard think about if i want to entertain this crap any longer. And telling him exactly why.

ChippyTea16 · 10/04/2017 11:00

Sorry you're having such a rough time on your holiday OP. Could you sit down with everyone and ask what everyone wants to do? Sort of work out what you can do as a group and when you will do your own thing? If he says stuff in front of everyone it will be harder to back out of and you won't be the one looking bad.

As others have said though, I'd just do what you want to do - don't pander to him, it doesn't sound like much of a holiday for you if you are trying to please everyone else so just do what you want and deal with him when you get home. It seems like it was his choice to stop taking his medication so why should you be the one to suffer? No reason you can't have fun with the other couple - if he wants to join you he can do.

Hope you can salvage something from the holiday x

girlywhirly · 10/04/2017 11:44

TeamB1, I hope you are coping. FWIW I think your OH has been self-centred and quite manipulative. You really don't sound as though you are getting anything positive from your relationship, and the holiday has highlighted this, especially while with another couple for whom things seem so different in that they are enjoying themselves.

Trying to do everything together with another couple is impractical, although it seems OH is capable of moderating his behaviour while you are all together, even though he abandoned his meds. So sometimes it could be beneficial to you.

Do have a good hard look at your relationship to see how to move forward, tell him that you have not enjoyed the holiday because of his behaviour, he didn't seem able to cope without his meds, and that you have noticed a decline in his mental wellbeing without them. I feel that if he isn't prepared to accept that he needs to do something, he should be aware that it could endanger your relationship.

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