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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel sad my parents don't want to spend time with me?

29 replies

astrawberrydoughnut · 08/04/2017 19:49

Really stupid whinge. I'm sorry.

My parents were never hugely keen on me. My dad seemed to love me when I was little but lost interest.

At a wedding today and both bride and groom so obviously had a close, loving relationship with parents. Dad sharing funny anecdotes from the brides childhood and adolescence, I don't know. It just got to me. My dad didn't even come to my wedding and I doubt he could have told you anything about my childhood.

It's rubbish and it's silly to dwell but to a point I feel it's affected my self esteem.

OP posts:
RightOnTheEdge · 08/04/2017 19:56

Sorry I haven't got anything really wise to say. Just that it's not stupid or silly it sucks! I really feel for you Flowers

SailAwaySailAwaySailAway · 08/04/2017 19:58

Can I ask if you're 100% sure that they are both your biological parents rather than just 1 of them?
Flowers

pennypickle · 08/04/2017 19:59

I feel really sad to read your post OP Flowers I there more you need to divulge so we can gain a better understanding of your position?

Calvinlookingforhobbs · 08/04/2017 20:00

Please know that how theybresponded to you was nothing to do with you, but rather, all about them and their inability to prioritise you. Would you think about getting some counselling?
Go and live a life full of love and happiness and don't look back.

SugarMiceInTheRain · 08/04/2017 20:00

Flowers for you, YANBU to feel sad. I feel similarly about my relationship with my dad. It sucks.

Original poster
astrawberrydoughnut · 08/04/2017 20:01

Haha yes I am dad's double. Weird, he adored me when I was little Hmm

OP posts:
Oldbutstillgotit · 08/04/2017 20:02

Not stupid at all. I can empathise as my Mum said ( more than once ) that she never wanted a daughter . I have an older brother and my twin brother who died when we were 5. I still remember her wailing about DB and know she would have preferred it to have been me. 💐

Original poster
astrawberrydoughnut · 08/04/2017 20:51

How awful, mine weren't horrible but just didn't really like me, I guess

OP posts:
Lovewineandchocs · 08/04/2017 23:47

Weird, he adored me when I was little hmm

Could your mother have been jealous of his relationship with you and that's why he became more distant? I'm sorry they are like this, it must be very sad and hurtful for you. I hope you have some great friends that are like family to you Flowers

TheElephantofSurprise · 08/04/2017 23:49

Please get counselling. You can feel better.

SnipSnipMrBurgess · 09/04/2017 01:13

I'm sorry to hear that op. I never really felt loved either and myself and my sisters Don't have that mother daughter bond with our mum. And it feels like shit.

One bright side means I've learned exactly what not to do with my children. I love them, I listen, I worry about them, I have fun with them and I tell them how great they are every day.

I just wish the same had been done for me.

Original poster
astrawberrydoughnut · 09/04/2017 04:46

Oh, I don't want counselling! I think it's just one of those things, I'm ok with it now but I feel sad on occasions like weddings.

OP posts:
toomuchtooold · 09/04/2017 07:21

If you do go to counseling you might be surprised to find you're carrying around more negative feelings about this than you realise. People are rarely like this for no reason. There's usually some other level of dysfunction in the family.

Crumbs1 · 09/04/2017 07:26

I'm with you - don't be dragged down the "there must be something deeply wrong with me" route. Ignore calls for counselling- it can do more harm than good. Accept and move on.

rizlett · 09/04/2017 07:34

astra - how brave of you to post on mn about your feelings that arose at the wedding.

for me its really nice (despite it being a negative thing!) that other people feel the same as i do at times. i guess i might also have a bit of an idealised view when i see a snapshot into other peoples apparently more 'loving' families.

but of course this is only my view - because it is something i felt was missing. and thats ok. and even though I envy more loving families i also know i'd feel swamped and constricted by too much of it - so perhaps what i got was exactly what was needed.

what might be worth considering is our feelings towards our parents - I wonder if we want more loving does it help to be move loving?

though i think its much more important just to accept what is.

thebakerwithboobs · 09/04/2017 07:52

I'm a gobshite so I'm afraid I couldn't dwell-I'd ask them!

Original poster
astrawberrydoughnut · 09/04/2017 08:52

I can't - mother is dead, dad not in contact.

OP posts:
Novinosincebambino · 09/04/2017 09:14

OP I have a similar relationship and can relate to they just simply 'don't like me'. My DH caught wind of it early on and won't put up with it so has gone NC with them (dad and DSM). I am still in contact with them (my Mum died too) but on my terms now. They don't disappoint me like they used to because I don't expect anything from them. This did take counselling for me though. It's about taking back control and not letting them hurt you. Its like an abusive relationship, you can do everything right and always be on your best behaviour and it still won't make them happy. It's their problem not yours, just be the person you are proud to be and to hell with them.

Original poster
astrawberrydoughnut · 09/04/2017 09:25

I know; I think I'm at the point where I recognise it's them not me and so on. But it still hurts, when I see the casual, easy relationships others have with their parents. I think my mum disliked me but my dad more became indifferent towards me which in a weird way hurt more.

OP posts:
Nordicwannabe · 09/04/2017 23:18

Not silly at all. Parents are hugely influential on your self esteem. And I can well imagine that losing your dad's love must have been heartbreaking.

You might not need counselling, but you do need to work through this in your own mind, especially if you have or intend to have children.

You know it was your parents issue, not yours. If you have children yourself you will understand without a shadow of a doubt that a parent's love for their child doesn't stem from anything about the child at all - how could it when for such a long time they are a little blob who can't even control their body, let alone do anything useful??

But when people have had poor parenting themselves, they sometimes can't access that parental love Sad Do you know anything about your parents' childhoods? I'm willing to bet they had crap parenting themselves. I think that especially for a mother, if she has internalized self-loathing, she can project that onto her daughters. Again, if you have children you'll know how the lines between your own identity and your child's can feel blurred when they are tiny.

Hope you manage to work through it. Feeling sad that you didn't get those relationships in your life is fine, but you can get to the point where it doesn't have any power over you Flowers

2014newme · 09/04/2017 23:20

Yanbu. I haven't seen my mum for 6 years. My choice because she's dreadful but life would be easier and nicer if I had a nice mum. 💐

Shitonmyshoe · 10/04/2017 00:12

Same here. Pure cold. Chin up and live you're life, be the best you can be. I'm too long in the tooth now to give much of a toss. Mine have favourite's and always did. I'm the inconvenience. Bollocks to them. I cherish my own DC and they cherish me Smile

DJBaggySmalls · 10/04/2017 00:23

YANBU, make your own loving family with your DP.

UntilTheCowsComeHome · 10/04/2017 01:17

DH's parents are cold and distant, particularly his dad. Today he had a moment that made him feel sad about it.

He has been coaching a team of young lads to play football alongside his friend. They've taken these lads from not being picked by any team to winning their league today.

His friend's parents were there and hugged him at the end and said how proud they were of what he'd done for the lads. DH's parents wouldn't give a shit.

It's his birthday on Tuesday, he'll get a shitty card with a tenner in it if he's lucky, but no birthday wishes or calling in to see him and they only live around the corner!

I dont understand how parents can suddenly stop that feeling of total love and pride you have for you kids.

Jenijena · 10/04/2017 01:37

I'm also sad. My son's one year check last week: 'do you have any family support?' Well, no. We survive. I nurture friendships and lower my expectations towards my parents, so usually it doesn't hurt but sometimes it catches me off guard, like then. I wonder if it's something I've done but I think dammit, I've had two kids, would it hurt them to put in some effort? (Fwiw they hVe no idea).

I didn't have a traditional wedding, and hate loathe and detest 'all the men speak whilst the bride stays silent' traditions. But I sit through father of the bride speeches - well, the good ones - and realise that that could never have happened to me.

But then I'm also aware whilst there are brilliant relationships between adult children and their parents, things can mask dysfunctionality in a big way.