...in slightly resenting Sunday lunch at mil's to take 4-5 hrs when she's only 20 minutes away ?

[wanderingstar]

...that's it really. I'm happy to go, just not for so long each time, ie. about once a fortnight. She is elderly and a bit fussy but basically OK. Dh has 3 siblings, and a couple of his neices nephews are grown up so there's always lots of company dropping in either for lunch or for half an hour at some point in the afternoon.

But dh makes it clear there's an invisible 3 line whip which states we need to be there at 12.30 latest (when "lunch" is invariably 2.30 or beyond - don't ask...) and to stay until 5pm or so at least.

We have 4 dc and quite frankly there's SO much domestic stuff to do on a Sunday, quite apart from sometimes wanting to take the younger children swimming, or to a farmer's market, or sometimes just chilling at home...I do sometimes stay behind by an hour or so with 2 of the children, especially if the older ones, 11 and 13, have a lot of homework, or exams looming, but it's always on the basis of "How long will you be ?" "Tell them to be quick " etc. So not proper time to myself or time to anything else with iyswim.

I just think it would be no less friendly if we sometimes just stayed for a shorter time, while still having lots of chat, lunch etc. The whole day just goes and I do sometimes get a bit fed up.
I sometimes suggest "just popping in later for a couple of hours" after the zoo/ museum/time together at home...but it doesn't go down well !

I don't think it's unreasonable at all. Esp if you don't enjoy being there that long.
My dh always used to say we could leave when I'd had enough, but then when I gave him a half hour warning of wanting to leave so we could be ready to go , he would put me off with this excuse and that excuse. Then I put my foot down and told him I just wouldn't come then.
His mum makes me feel unwelcome and tuts and eye rolls at things I say and do with dd's.
She pushed me a step too far on Boxing day, and I haven't been back since. He said to dd1 today that "Grandma wants to see her this weekend", I ignored the comment but am interested to see if he expects me to go too. He would never go on his own before which I found annoying as she's his mother.
OOh, sorry to have rambled on. This is a pointed subject for me. Will be interested to hear how you handle it!!!
GOOD LUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Could you have her over instead some weeks? Then at least the DCs could be getting on with homework / whatever

It's shame you can't give 1 afternoon a week to your children's grandmother!! How much longer will she be around??

We spent every Saturday afternoon at my Grandfather's until he died when I was 10.

Personally the fact I may have missed a few NON important things like "swimming, or a farmer's market, or sometimes just chilling at home" didn't matter!!!! I went swimming every Saturday after he died but I can tell you I would rather have been seeing my Grandfather!!!!!!!

Don't take away your children's relationship with their Grandmother - you don't know how long she will be around.

I sympathise 'wanderingstar'. Do you expect your dh to abide to a '3-line whip' where your own family is concerned? If not , it might be worth pointing out to him any disparity?

Lurkylou has a point, but it depends how much everyone is enjoying the arrangement and it sounds as if you aren't. Once a week for so long is a bit much if you don't like it. Agree with inviting her over to yours so you can do some of the things you would like to do on a weekend. Maybe take her out with you to things you enjoy? But less often - once every few weeks. I send dh over to his mums on his own, most of the time, so I get some time off for good behaviour!

If she's only 20 mins away, could you pop in and see her on other days? Or DH go round for an hour on his way home from work?

I know what you mean about needing the time on Sundays, that's understandable. It's nice to be close to family though. Perhaps you just need to spread the visits out more.

Wish I lived near my nana... I'd be round all the time.

Oh and if she has loads of people round on SUndays anyway, perhaps she'd like to visit your house on another day?

I think the week sems very long for the elderly.

get her to come to your house sometimes then. that way your dh can spend all the time he wants with her. he can even cook the dinner for everyone. then your children can get on with what they need to do, your MIL still feels involved in your life, and your dh still sees his mum.

my gran lives 2 hours away. she's 85. dh, dd (9 months) and i go there every other saturday, stay over night, come home late sunday. so you haven't got it tooooo bad!

Just stop going. Say if he wants to go then fine he can go and take any child that wants to. Our parents live a very long way away and we got up there about 2 or 3 times a year. Or negotiate - if you do those 5 hours of him then what can he do in return - 5 hours childcare on a Saturday so you can spend it doing something you like or whatever.

No, you're not being unreasonable.

Tell him in future that you're happy to roll up at 2 and stay till 5 or you'll go once a month and mil can come to you once a month.

Or do the whole day thing once a month and pop in for a cup of tea after the your family time.

After all, it doesn't sound like she's lonely on Sundays.

There is another point to be considered. I wonder if anyone's consulted her as to what she thinks is ok?
As she's elderly, she could be a little overwhelmed seeing so many people for such a long time?

I totally sympathise. We got to a bad place last Autumn where we were seeing my partner's parents once a week and I was going bananas since every other weekend my stepsons are here and the whole weekend revolves around them and so we only have one weekend a fortnight to shop, chill etc and we invariably had to spend a whole day organised around a visit to his parents.

In the end I put my foot down in a big way but just NOT going one Sunday (I was so exhausted and fed up I had to have a rest) and managed to break the pattern. And in fact it's got much better since then. I make a point of inviting my mother-out-of-law to babysit on occasions when we have important commitments as a couple, like meetings with new schools or the odd pick-up from an educational holiday activity. She actually likes that, as it makes her feel involved with vital decisions for the children's future and she gets to see them on her own while feeling useful, not used (I never ask her to babysit when we go out for pleasure). And I've started being much more imaginative about the activities we do with his parents - not just endless boring meals at their place when the children inevitably misbehave through boredom, but real things we all enjoy like a museum so we having something to talk about.

It's quite nice as I see our relationship improving and I get favourably compared with partner's ex-wife who thought grandparents were an endless supply of free babysitting who didn't ever need thanks...

That would be too much for me. I'd turn up an hour later than dh and leave after coffee, saying it was a lovely lunch and it was so nice to see her but you have to get home and get on with the housework unfortunately. Friendly but firm I think is the way to go. The dc can either stay with dh or go with you as you like (and decide beforehand not in front of the granny)

I think you are being at a bit unreasonable. Maybe if your older dcs need to do their homework you could explain that to your MIl and they could take it with them. My Nan lives a 2 hour drive away and we try and visit her about once a fortnight, because of the distance it usually takes most of the day, sometimes I feel I could be doing other things with my dd's, that they might prefer but although it is sometimes a bit of a hassle for us I know it means so much to my Nan and like other posters have said she won't be around forever.

Not unreasonable at all.
It sounds like a fucking insane arrangement.

Better to have several short visits a month than a marathon like this every week.

I hate all set in stone arrangements anyway.They make me feel trapped.

Well, an interesting range of responses !
I actually don't mind at all going every fortnight, just not for 4-5 hours each time. Dh says it will look "off" if we curtail it significantly, completely overlooking the fact that his siblings + families usually don't stay that long. Nobody bats an eyelid and mil certainly isn't offended if her family come and go in between other commitments. We ALL stay long enough for lots of chat, a late lunch, tea/coffee, children playing in the garden etc with cousins.

Kslatts she's only 20 mins away; there's no quiet desk for my boys to work at if they have homework. It's just easier for them to work at home, with all their things around them, and in separate rooms .

All I'm saying really is surely there's a balance to be had, Fiofio and lurky lou. Of course my children will miss her when she's gone; I'm not heartless. But it IS hard to balance work, some physical activity for the children - and mine are active and definitely need it in spades - some chill out do nothing time for all of us, with such long visits.

Mil is very particular about her food; every time (I've stopped now) I have tried to cater for her within her own dietary parameters, she hasn't eaten it. So her coming here by herself isn't easy. Although she doesn't drive, we'd be happy to collect her, but it's really a food issue.
As to the crowds at her house, she actually likes it ! My sil helps hugely with the cooking, and often I or another sil/bil will bring a dish we can all share. Also I've suggested to dh we have everyone round here a bit more often, with mil bringing her own food (sigh) but he's not keen on all the cousins rampaging round the house...

So for now I'm planning a smallish stand by just not staying for the whole duration, but not making an "issue" of it either. I have started a Saturday morning gym visit, which takes an hour, so at least it's a bit of give and take...Overall it's good dh is close to his mother, but I do think I need the time here too,for domestic reasons.

So not every week, every 2nd week? I'd suggest dh pops in once a week during the week, and you continue to go every 2nd week, for a slightly shorter time , eg 1pm-4pm is long enough for lunch and a good chat, you and dh need to find a compromise that doesn't sound like you have a problem with his dm.
I dont really see a problem with the set up as it is just now since it's fortnightly, but can see how you might find it restricting

ZOMBIE

I’m normally a MIL defender but this coercive hijacking of a massive chunk of a weekend is too much. I’d say reduce it to every other week (or even once a month) and only stay until after dinner. Life is busy enough with DC so you need to put your put down and reclaim your own essential down-time.

Hopefully op and her mil have come to an arrangement they are both happy with over the last 15 years.

ZOMBIE 🧟‍♀️

Fuck sake 😆