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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to find this match-making waiter overstepped the mark?

41 replies

Tryintohelp · 06/04/2017 19:58

I was out for dinner with a very good friend, who happens to be an ex from many years ago. We have good chemistry but I'd never consider marrying him (and suspect he wouldn't want to either). We also both have long-time partners (who actively encourage our friendship).

Anyway, at this restaurant the waiter decided we were a couple out on a date and made repeated comments through the evening about how sweet we were together, how it was 'meant to be', our chemistry.

At the first comment we just sort of laughed at each other and didn't bother correcting the waiter, as it started fairly innocuously - it's not the first time a waiter has assumed he's the father of my baby or something, but usually it's one comment and finish. Then it got worse - and to the point where it became (1) a bit awkward between us - elephant in the room and all that, and (2) where we couldn't correct the waiter without it become rather embarrassing and possibly looking like we were having an affair!

AIBU to be slightly annoyed with the waiter for misreading the situation, continuing with the intrusive comments, not noticing I had a wedding ring so was unlikely to be out on an early date with this chap?! Surely that's a step too far for waiting staff. Or should we have corrected him straight off?

OP posts:
booloobalooloo · 06/04/2017 20:00

If you'd corrected him straight away out wouldn't have been an issue.

Trills · 06/04/2017 20:01

I think waiters should be trained to take nervous polite laughter as "we don't want to talk to you about this, but we don't want to piss you off either" rather than any kind of encouragement.

Bettyspants · 06/04/2017 20:02

Well with the benefit of hindsight you could have corrected him but I wouldn't have expected any further comments. How uncomfortable.

DonaldStott · 06/04/2017 20:02

What? Yabu.

Are married people not allowed to go to restaurants before dark? If he noticed your wedding ring, why would he not assume you were married to your mate?

What a bizarre thing to say.

You should have just said oh we're not together when the waiter said something.

LostSight · 06/04/2017 20:03

Years ago, before I was married, I went on a skiing holiday with a male friend. To save money, we shared a room. Every single day, the chalet mais would push our beds together... and every single day, we would push them apart again.

We just thought it was hilarious.

LostSight · 06/04/2017 20:03

*maid

hamandmustard · 06/04/2017 20:03

I was once out with a colleague on valentines day. Only menu was valentines.

Waiter came to light the romantic candle and wish us a happy valentines.I said- oh no we are not a couple. Waiter blew the candle out! It made us laugh

SmileEachDay · 06/04/2017 20:04

Perhaps you behave in a way that suggests you are together?

LilacSpatula · 06/04/2017 20:07

A waiter once did this to me and my BROTHER! We both did piling faces, laughed and corrected him. Bleurgh.

LilacSpatula · 06/04/2017 20:07

*puking

FreedomMummy · 06/04/2017 20:08

People are funny about this kind of thing.

I house shared with a male friend of mine years ago and when we were looking for a house one of the agents told us we should 'become better friends' so we could rent a one bedroom flat he had on his books. It was so unprofessional and inappropriate.

Discussing people's relationships in this kind of context is weird and inappropriate as a stranger has no clue as to the reason two people may be having dinner.

KungFuPandaWorksOut16 · 06/04/2017 20:09

It's not hard too correct the waiter and then there would have been no awkwardness.

My brother and I met up in a pub whilst waiting for our OHs, the person taking our drinks order made a comment like
" take it you and your partner are celebrating tonight then. "
( Bought two drinks for all parties, so 8 in total but only two of us at the bar )

My brother laughed and said I will be celebrating with my partner when she gets here but this is my sister.
Crisis averted!

Kalinka16 · 06/04/2017 20:11

@lostsight : I did this too. Maid seemed to think we should be together, despite him being gay and me engaged to his mate...

caz323 · 06/04/2017 20:13

hamandmustard The waiter blew the candle out? Hilarious! Grin Grin

Original poster
tryintohelp · 06/04/2017 20:14

Donald

I think you're misunderstood. When I said 'early' I meant this waiter clearly assumed we were on a first/second/third date (not a comment on the time of day). So as he was so clearly invested in the progress of our date, I'd expect him to have noted a disparity between a first/second date and a wedding ring - unless it was an affair!

"Are married people not allowed to go to restaurants before dark? If he noticed your wedding ring, why would he not assume you were married to your mate? "

Yeah, in retrospect, with that particular waiter, it would have been better to set the record straight at the first comment, but we've corrected before and it usually flusters the waiter/waitress to have made that mistake, so it almost seems kinder not to. Then again, most waiting staff don't go on and on about it.

We do have chemistry still, so I understand why people make that mistake. It's the commenting and continuing to comment when we laugh awkwardly that I find poor judgment.

Yes, ham had similar - hotel tried to put me and my boss in a hotel room together. I think we both looked equally horrified.

OP posts:
Original poster
tryintohelp · 06/04/2017 20:20

Also if we tell staff we're not together they're going to assume we're about to get together (that has happened too - 'just good friends' - 'ah, not for much longer I reckon...'), and if I say we're married to other people etc, I get the feeling we'd be side-eyed all night by a disapproving waiter. Because there is chemistry, I'm aware of that, and it's not an issue for us or our partners, but it's impossible to just switch off chemistry!

OP posts:
highinthesky · 06/04/2017 20:34

He was probably just angling for a decent tip at first and then just kept digging...

Veiledusername · 06/04/2017 20:37

Definitely going for the tip!

I also think that maybe he picked up on some old flame chemistry between you both and thought you were married, particularly if your wedding ring was on show.

Was it a fancy restaurant or middle of the range?

VestalVirgin · 06/04/2017 20:44

Every single day, the chalet mais would push our beds together... and every single day, we would push them apart again.We just thought it was hilarious.

It is hilarious, if the male friend is a decent guy.

However, this sort of thing is a serious problem if the man involved is a creepy dude who feels that he's been "friendzoned", and the woman didn't realize this before she got into the situation.

Then this "take one room instead of two!", "sleep in the same bed" et cetera, is putting pressure on a woman who already is under pressure - and providing validation and support to the man who wants to coerce her.

Not to mention the horrible consequences if matchmaking strangers meet a stalker.

If you don't know someone personally, stay out of their private life, really.

DonaldStott · 06/04/2017 20:48

Apologies tryin - my mistake.

StealthPolarBear · 06/04/2017 21:01

I'm sure you were waiting for this but if there's still so much chemistry why do you meet up? And why do your partners encourage it?

Original poster
tryintohelp · 06/04/2017 21:01

veiled, it wasn't Michelin starred, though we go to places like that too, and you can see they're assuming we're together but are more discrete about commenting. It was probably mid-range - £20 for a main course sort of place?

We go out very frequently so this sort of thing has happened quite often, but never like this particular waiter who seemed to think we were his own personal romcom and he was cupid.

OP posts:
Veiledusername · 06/04/2017 21:03

I was going to say I think the wait staff are more trained in michelin star type places, but then I wasn't really sure that was correct. So I asked.

Seems like a bit of a plonker, but I guess easily done if trying to impress someone for a tip.

Maybe he'd had an unexpected bill come in?

TheRealPooTroll · 06/04/2017 21:04

I think 'we have great chemistry but I wouldn't marry him and he probably wouldn't marry me' is a bit of an odd way to describe a platonic friendship when both of you are in long term relationships but maybe that's just me Confused
I think if you were outwardly displaying your 'chemistry' and didn't correct the waiter the first time you can't really complain that he came to the most likely conclusion that you were a couple.

Original poster
tryintohelp · 06/04/2017 21:05

stealth because he's an extremely good friend and I'd be devastated to lose him.

Why wouldn't our partners encourage it? Having been there, done that, we know that the chemistry that certainly exists between us doesn't make for a good relationship for some reason. It's probably 'safer' than chemistry with someone I haven't had a romantic relationship with, where I might always wonder if it would work out.

OP posts: