Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To desperately want a child?

37 replies

PandaEyes25 · 06/04/2017 16:18

I'm 25 years old.
Been with my OH (He's 24) for 7 years.
We bought our house a year ago.
Both on good money with a reasonable savings pot.

Everything is perfect and I'm really really happy. However, I'm desperate for a baby.
It's the only thing I yearn for.

We have both been to Uni. My OH is middle management and I'm the head of accounts at a company.
I have been offered extra work of about 5 hours a week to be conducted from home for an extra £500 per month. So I know that if I decide not to go back to work full time I will still be able to have this wage (I've checked with employer). I know it's not a lot but it would cover all of our bills including food and baby supplies. Excluding mortgage.
I'm not motivated by moving up the career ladder and wouldn't mind if I had to take a severe demotion in the future if I chose to give up work for the baby.

The only thing I'm conscious of is that we're both quite young and unmarried.

We have discussed it and my OH says that he is not put off by the fact that we are unmarried at the moment because it will happen in the near future whether or not we have a child. He says that he would be ready for a child but that we could wait a couple of years as we are still young- there is no rush. But if I wanted to come off my Pill, he would be happy.
Neither of us feel like we would be missing out on anything, e.g. travelling, if we did have a baby- quite the opposite!

Am I being unreasonable for not caring that we are young and unmarried?

OP posts:
MycatsaPirate · 06/04/2017 16:20

Yanbu but there are some who will say that you are because you aren't married and therefore legally protected financially.

However, if you want a baby and it's the right time for you, then do it.

Life is incredibly short. If you want something, make it happen.

MyLittleBoyBlue · 06/04/2017 16:22

25 isn't that young.

Being unmarried is quite an old fashioned worry in terms of having children.

I wonder if you're not ready. Both "issues" that you've stated wouldn't really be issues to a couple that were truly ready.

GraduationGown · 06/04/2017 16:22

You don't need to have a wedding to be married- it could be done very quickly without any fuss.

Have a baby if you feel ready. They're quite wonderful things.

Valentine2 · 06/04/2017 16:23

Do not have a baby until you are married. It's such an old line but it's very true.

HopelesslydevotedtoGu · 06/04/2017 16:24

If you are curtailing your career to care for your child then get married first.
You could get married in the next few months, registry office. Ours was minimum four weeks notice.

Valentine2 · 06/04/2017 16:24

I should have written more.
I am talking about the legal protection you will have once you are legally married. And the fact that your partner isn't fully into it right now and is hooping you will delay a bit, is also ringing bells.

kierenthecommunity · 06/04/2017 16:26

If I could have my time again I'd have children young. I was very much of the growing up in the 80s generation where you had the career first then the kids. But my cousin and his wife had their daughters young and now are only late 40s and having the time of their lives now the girls have all left home. I envy them a bit Smile

expatinscotland · 06/04/2017 16:28

If you are planning to jack in FT work to look after a child, get married! It affords a great deal of legal protection. You don't need a wedding, just a trip to the Registry Office.

TooManyTrolls · 06/04/2017 16:28

We had our first kid when I was 25 but my DH was 30. I felt that we were both the right age. It's obviously a huge generalisation but I think 24 is too young for a bloke but 25 can be ok for a woman. (Yes I know there will be a million examples where this isn't true 😁 but in general I think it is)

If I were you I'd wait another couple of years. There really is no rush and you can concerntrate on enjoying yourselves. DH and I lived together from when I was 18 and I think the fact we lived together for 7/8 years before having kids gave us a great foundation.

ExplodedCloud · 06/04/2017 16:30

I would protect yourself by marrying before downsizing your career for childcare.
Other than if you're both into the idea of children then there's no reason not to.
Make sure he is fully committed before coming off the pill as there isn't always much trying in trying to conceive.

MyLittleBoyBlue · 06/04/2017 16:31

Btw, I started ttc at 26 and 10 years on have no birth children. I don't want to scare you but it helps to be realistic when talking about planning a family. The best laid plans and all that...

Oly5 · 06/04/2017 16:31

I'm in two camps. When I was 25 I was travelling the world and I'm so glad I had those amazing experiences! Now I'm late 30s with young kids ans feel more settled.
On the other hand, if you jave your kids now they will have left hole by your late 40s and you'll be able to travel the world then.
I agree that you should marry unless you plan on keeping your income. Either before baby or in the first few years after

Oly5 · 06/04/2017 16:32

Home not hole!
Silly autocorrect

MetalMidget · 06/04/2017 16:35

My SIL and her then boyfriend decided to start trying for a baby around a similar age (he was a little younger, he was just finishing uni). They had a baby, then got married, then had number 2. They're very happy, so it can work!

FurryElephant · 06/04/2017 16:35

I'm young and unmarried with a DD, the fucktard of a dad buggered off and so I moved in with my mum Grinless than ideal but it's still wonderful. So if you want a baby, I'd go for it! Do agree with having some financial security though.

newmumwithquestions · 06/04/2017 16:37

You are not unreasonable to want one... But.... As someone who never gave 2 hoots about being married before, now I've got children I feel much more financially unstable.

OHs salary pays the bills/mortgage. But I've given up work to look after the kids. During this time I am not making pension payments, I'm not developing my career, etc. I get to have more playtime with the kids which is great but my career is definitely suffering. I'm struggling to get part time work (although it sounds like you may have that covered, and finance is one of the things you can get part time work in) It bothers me that OH could walk away and I'd be financially in a very bad position.

So if you want to do it, do it, but be prepared for your feelings to change post baby - you may wish you had the additional security of marriage.

Kiroro · 06/04/2017 16:39

25 isn't that young to want kids. But it doesn't sound like your OH is quite as cokmited ot the idea of having one kids NOW as you are.

It is extremely foolhardy IMO to put yourself in a financially precarious position financially without being married.

MuncheysMummy · 06/04/2017 16:39

Just get married first as if you don't you will never end up doing! My friend was in exactly this situation and now has 2 kids (oldest is 5) and has been engaged for 7 years! They have been together about 12 years now and every year for the last 4 years have said the will get married this year! There is always something else to spend the money on once you have kids

worshiptheavocado · 06/04/2017 16:40

You're a good age to have a child to be honest

minipie · 06/04/2017 16:45

If you think you would give up or reduce your career once you have a baby then please get married first.

SourBubblegum · 06/04/2017 16:46

I'm 25, and pregnant with baby no. 3. I am also married, but we were trying for baby no. 1 prior to getting married. There's no right or wrong way to do it, I say go for it! X

Ilovemyhotwaterbottle · 06/04/2017 16:46

Life is too short! If you are both happy to have a baby then why not try and see what happens?

Me (25) DP (29) bought our first house in July. We've been together for nearly 8 years (not married) and I'm due in October, we're very happy.

Twerking9to5 · 06/04/2017 16:48

I felt exactly the same way as you and was in a very similar position. I couldn't wait for a baby but OH was more guarded. We had our first when I was 30 and our second just under two years later.

In retrospect, I am actually glad we waited. It's not just the big things like traveling, it's the little things like just leaving the house on your own when you fancy it!

If I'm honest, I hung a lot on "being a mother" as I looked forward to it so much. I could have been throwing myself into other stuff a bit more I think. Also it lovely having kids at the same time as my friends. Our kids are growing up together, which I love!

But of course, it's such a personal decision. Some ppl are made for it!! Good luck x

TooManyTrolls · 06/04/2017 16:49

Life is too short! If you are both happy to have a baby then why not try and see what happens?

but the OPs partner would rather wait a few years. I wouldn't want a child with someone who indifferent about it especially as he is only 24.

Original poster
PandaEyes25 · 06/04/2017 16:50

MyLittleBoyBlue- I think you make a very good point. I've always been paranoid that I wouldn't be able to conceive and I would hate to wait 3-4 years then try and before I know it I'm in my mid thirties with the chance of fertility treatment slipping through my fingers.

I have spoken to my OH in regards to a registry office but he said when we get married, we're doing it properly. I think this stems from his mum having a hospital bed wedding with the man she left his dad for. (LONG STORY!!)

It's just every AF that comes and goes, I just can't help but think what a waste it is!

OP posts: