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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU re Wedding Invite

78 replies

AppleShampoo · 06/04/2017 06:58

My boyfriend of nearly four years was invited to one of his friend's wedding. The invite came through last year with only his name on it.

I totally accept that a couple have a limited number of people that they can invite to their wedding and I am not particularly close to this couple so I just assumed that I wasn't invited but I was still a tiny bit upset at being left out, as I would have loved to help them celebrate their big day.

I got the feeling that my boyfriend didn't really want me there from the start, as when I expressed disappointment that I hadn't been invited he said something along the lines of 'well you wouldn't go anyway'. This is not true - I would have gone and enjoyed myself as I love happy days such as weddings.

I don't know if this was his clumsy way of trying to make me feel better. Anyway, I quickly accepted the situation and got on with my life.

However, a message came through from the groom yesterday asking my boyfriend if I was coming to the wedding (which is Saturday). Without even asking me, my boyfriend has replied that I have other things on and won't be able make it!

I don't have any plans. I think it's a bit odd that he has responded (knowing that I was disappointed not to get an invite in the first place) saying I can't attend without even discussing this with me.

Am I over-reacting or does he clearly just not want me there?

OP posts:
NancyDonahue · 06/04/2017 09:30

How odd. Could there be an old flame attending?

goose1964 · 06/04/2017 09:36

i had something similar with an ex, turns out he had a thing for the bride, but as they were related ( not very) he never took his worship to her, and secondly he thought it might give me ideas. It doesn't sound as if this relationship is going to be long term

BagittoGo · 06/04/2017 09:36

I would tell him that the bride has been touch with you and she has assumed you were going but wanted it confirmed. Say you're excited to go and ask if you can colour coordinate tie and dress. Then judge his reaction...

beepbeeprichie · 06/04/2017 09:57

What a shame for you OP. It reflects badly on him, not on you, but you need to decide whether there is a future with someone who doesn't want to be seen with you. Fair enough he has a friend who is a total knobber, and he wants to socialise with him "unrestricted" by you being there. But it's a wedding FFS- what on earth can he be thinking he can do/ say with his pal there? I know lots of weddings are piss ups but really.

Original poster
AppleShampoo · 06/04/2017 10:11

I've just had to speak to him. He said that he thought he could answer on my behalf because I had 'made my position clear'. When I asked him when this was he said is made my position clear 'ages ago'.

What I had actually said ages ago was that I was ok with not attending as I know there is only so much space at a wedding. Not that I didn't want to attend.

When I asked him if he thought his behaviour was reasonable, he said yes. He is now in a strop and is slamming around and huffing and puffing passive aggressively.

I really don't think it was unreasonable of me to expect him to consult with me as to whether I would attend. Am I that unimportant that my opinions don't even matter? It would seem so!

Sorry, I'm just venting.

OP posts:
Jaysis · 06/04/2017 10:30

You can judge a man by the company he keeps imo.

This prostitute-loving misogynistic friend is someone your DP likes, respects, and enjoys the company of. Your DP has no problem with the way that his friend talks about women. Have a good think on that.

You've bigger problems than attending a wedding as a +1

ohtheholidays · 06/04/2017 10:38

Your not going to want to hear this but it could save you waisting any more time with this man-child!

Honestly I'd be worried he didn't want you to go because he's expecting to see someone else there,I wouldn't presume it was anything to do with his friend (who sounds like a peach)and him being friends with such a dickhead would be enough to have me running for the hills anyways.

His being passive aggressive is because he knows he's being caught out on something he shouldn't be doing!

WhatchaMaCalllit · 06/04/2017 10:41

Seriously - see Ifailed's post at the very top of this thread.

Your other half doesn't see you as an equal half, especially as he is now huffing and puffing around the house being passive aggressive.

Find someone else who would see you as their equal half not just their significant other.

Sciurus83 · 06/04/2017 10:52

There is a huge difference between being ok with not being invited to something and turning an invitation down. He knows this, has he contacted his friend and told them you are coming? He's made you look bad through no fault of your own, unacceptable behaviour and especially his current reaction. How rude!

Original poster
AppleShampoo · 06/04/2017 11:09

Sciurus apparently there is no difference. I apparently made my feelings known some time ago and now have to just live with it.

OP posts:
Original poster
AppleShampoo · 06/04/2017 11:10

I'm going to take some time to think about the whole situation and where I want the relationship to go.

OP posts:
Sciurus83 · 06/04/2017 11:24

It doesn't sound great to be fair. Make sure on the wedding night you have something really fun planned or go somewhere nice so you aren't tempted to spend the evening sticking pins in a voodoo doll! Grin

Original poster
AppleShampoo · 06/04/2017 11:55

Ah, he's now saying that he went out for a drink with the groom last night and the groom put him on the spot so he came up with some excuse quickly.

I've got the wrong end of the stick apparently. When I suggested that perhaps he might want to have told the truth - that I didn't think I was invited. He said to me 'I couldn't tell the truth - you don't seriously expect me to tell him that you'd spat your dummy out and weren't going'.

The only reason I wasn't going was because I wasn't invited! Apparently he has offered in the past to clarify whether I was invited. This is rubbish. He made some half hearted noises that he could ring the groom if I REALLY wanted him to but it would be embarrassing for him, so I decided to leave it.

One of us is clearly unable to separate fantasy from reality and I really hope it's not me!

I'm done with this rubbish.

OP posts:
TheWitTank · 06/04/2017 12:06

Urgh, he is a dickhead op. Find yourself somebody nice and leave him to fuck about with his awful mate and attend all the weddings he likes on his own. The PA huffing and puffing would have made me lose my shit.

SuperPug · 06/04/2017 12:09

Regardless of whether an ex is there or not- he sounds like an idiot.
Work out what's going on and then have some distance from him. After four years, he shouldn't even question having you at the wedding as well.

DingDongtheWitchIsDangDiddlyDe · 06/04/2017 12:11

He doesn't want you to go. That is probably why you weren't invited in the first place.

expatinscotland · 06/04/2017 12:12

Your BF is an arsehole. Who has nobber friends.

Msqueen33 · 06/04/2017 12:15

What a knob! Does he have any redeeming points as he sounds like a man child.

Willow2017 · 06/04/2017 12:42

What a selfish arse!

You deserve much better and I hope you realise that. I know its hard after 4 yearsrs but I would be telling him he had better find somewhere else to go back to after the wedding as it wouldnt be with me.

He didnt want you to go and now is turning it around and blaming you for his selfishness. I couldnt be with someone that wouldnt own up and take responsibility for his misteak never mind making decisions for me. Better on your own than with someone without a bit of respect for you.

Take your time and have a good long think about what you are getting out of this relationship and whether it is worth it to be treated like this. Good luck.

HappyFlappy · 06/04/2017 13:05

While he is at the wedding bag up all of his stuff and leave it on the doorstep.

GoodDayToYou · 06/04/2017 14:08

OP, there are many possibilities here. I'm just wondering if it could be that he's not really a 'detail' person, perhaps isn't interested or aware of wedding etiquette, and/or possibly, isn't a big listener?! (I'm reminded of some of my exes here.) I've known men to 'fill in the blanks' based on vibe/assumptions when they weren't really listening. It could also be that he knows his mate upsets you and he just doesn't want to deal with that - perhaps it's easier for him to focus on going alone and skim over all the other details. He doesn't sound malicious to me. Maybe immature though.

It comes down to want you want really.

Chloe84 · 06/04/2017 14:16

I hope you are done with him OP.

Justanothernameonthepage · 06/04/2017 14:28

Does he often rewrite history to make himself the good guy/right? The fact he's acting like this would be enough for me to want to end it - and that's before taking the gaslighting into it.

disappearingfish · 15/04/2017 08:30

Come back OP! Did you go to the wedding?

Original poster
AppleShampoo · 15/04/2017 08:54

I didn't go in the end. It would have just been too embarrassing for me.

I haven't seen him since the wedding. Im quite proud of myself as I'm just not that bothered! Smile

Thanks for thinking of me! Grin

OP posts:
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