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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU re Wedding Invite

78 replies

AppleShampoo · 06/04/2017 06:58

My boyfriend of nearly four years was invited to one of his friend's wedding. The invite came through last year with only his name on it.

I totally accept that a couple have a limited number of people that they can invite to their wedding and I am not particularly close to this couple so I just assumed that I wasn't invited but I was still a tiny bit upset at being left out, as I would have loved to help them celebrate their big day.

I got the feeling that my boyfriend didn't really want me there from the start, as when I expressed disappointment that I hadn't been invited he said something along the lines of 'well you wouldn't go anyway'. This is not true - I would have gone and enjoyed myself as I love happy days such as weddings.

I don't know if this was his clumsy way of trying to make me feel better. Anyway, I quickly accepted the situation and got on with my life.

However, a message came through from the groom yesterday asking my boyfriend if I was coming to the wedding (which is Saturday). Without even asking me, my boyfriend has replied that I have other things on and won't be able make it!

I don't have any plans. I think it's a bit odd that he has responded (knowing that I was disappointed not to get an invite in the first place) saying I can't attend without even discussing this with me.

Am I over-reacting or does he clearly just not want me there?

OP posts:
Namechangearoo · 06/04/2017 07:47

Yep, I'm with all the other posters - he doesn't want you there.

All the same questions as above - did you see the original invite? How did you know about the recent message?

Oh, and can you get hold of the groom for a chat about what's going on? Just to clarify that you did actually want to go and your partner has been the one to seem reluctant.

Trifleorbust · 06/04/2017 07:47

You definitely need to call him out here. It's a 4 year relationship so it's surprising to me that you weren't invited to start with.

The problem is that he will lie if you ask him why he refused on your behalf.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 06/04/2017 07:48

If he doesn't want you there due to piss-up-with-mates reasons, the way to handle it is "Sweetheart, would you mind if I went on my own to this one? It's just that I haven't seen Bazza and Gazza and Little John and Big John for ages now and we'll be wanting to get completely pissed together."

So I think there is something else going on.

StickleTick · 06/04/2017 07:48

This is very similar to a situation me and hubby of 15 yrs are in. I was pretty upset, and oh knew I wanted to go. Some weeks passed ... then, A FEW DAYS AFTER the bride turned round and told my oh that I could Go to the evening do, OH let slip that I had actually just been invited to evening do, but he had already declined on my behalf.

I was furious. Oh had declined for me, without asking. & then during our following "discussion", suggested he could get back to the bride, and change the decision.

But ... when I got married the type of people we invited to the evening do, included my mum's milkman.... :) honest, he was a good friend to her ...

So, by this time I'd had enough, and said I just wasn't interested anymore. And, that id babysit our children while he went off to the posh / expensive hotel for the weekend without me.

Moreover, The only reason he let slip the last minute evening do invite, was cos we are moving house, and I had pointed out that I'd feel pretty fed up at the thought of this woman and her new husband wanting to visit as house guests ....

Anyway, long story, and here's my conclusions: hubby is thoughtless, doesn't understand why it means so much to me. Doesn't see why I m not happy for him to go by himself (he says he would be if it was the other way round) ... and genuinely thought he was doing me a favour by not mentioning the evening do invite, because he thought it would stir up bad feelings again,

I say all this cos I know I can trust him, he has my best interests at heart, even tho he's been a "twit", and some men are genuinely clueless.... and don't mean to cause upset.

PagingDrKarl · 06/04/2017 07:48

What about messaging the groom directly and saying sorry for the mixup (your boyfriend got dates muddled) – you're excited to be invited and would love to come.

Also, as PPs have said, try to get it out of your boyfriend why he doesn't want you there.

Original poster
AppleShampoo · 06/04/2017 07:48

I'm definitely not clingy. I was happy for him to go to the wedding alone when I thought I wasn't invited, as it is up to the happy couple who is invited and who isn't.

My problem is with the fact that he has sent this message back to the groom declining on my behalf and didn't mention it to me until afterwards.

OP posts:
HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 06/04/2017 07:50

Oh x-post! So he does want to get drunk with a friend, but it's a friend you don't approve of (rightly so, by the sounds of things) so he had to lie.

Namechangearoo · 06/04/2017 07:50

Sorry, x-post OP.

Ugh, I'd be seriously considering if he was worthy of being my partner if I were you. He's not only made you feel sad, but also look like a knob to the groom (as you're aware). I'd definitely be contacting the groom separately to tell him that you would have loved to have come but you weren't given the option by your OH, and that you hope they have a wonderful day. Rise above it all and then LTB.

Original poster
AppleShampoo · 06/04/2017 07:53

HeartsTrumpDiamonds I do definitely disapprove of this friend. However, I have made it clear to him on a number of occasions that his friends are his friends and if he likes them that's all that matters. I would not (nor have I ever) sought to prevent him from socialising with this man. So I don't really understand why he wouldn't want me there.

OP posts:
Only1scoop · 06/04/2017 07:53

I would also wonder if he'd previously told the groom he would rather come on his own hence the original invitation

OwlinaTree · 06/04/2017 07:56

Well you might invite people last minute as people might have dropped out. We were 'promoted' from evening to all day on one occasion due to this. So it's quite possible that there is now a space as someone can't come.

Can you say to him that you would like to come, ask him to ring the friend back? What will he say to that?

HappyFlappy · 06/04/2017 07:56

I'd be awfully tempted to contact the groom, explain that your (D)P had made a mistake and you would LOVE to come if the invitation still stands and if so, tell your other half and see what the fall out is, or make your own way and smile cheerily at him when you see him there.

If not, just wish the groom and bride the very best on their Big Day and tell them that you'll be thinking of them. then turn up at the church anyway and glare at BF

BTW - who has chosen and bought the gift? You or your BF?

HappyFlappy · 06/04/2017 07:57

Sorry Owlina - cross-post.

Original poster
AppleShampoo · 06/04/2017 07:59

I'm tempted to just turn up. But then I'd probably look a bit odd/rude if I did that.

I'm going to ask him to ring the groom when I can talk to him. I don't have contact details for the groom.

He actually went and bought the gift but I told him what to buy.

OP posts:
hoopdeloop · 06/04/2017 08:00

Ohhh I like @HappyFlappy's idea

Rossigigi · 06/04/2017 08:04

They have had someone cancel and needed you to fill the space. Dp was being a dick and doesn't want you there.

diddl · 06/04/2017 08:11

Why would you take yourself where you aren't wanted?

I'd be having serious thoughts about staying with OH though!

Trifleorbust · 06/04/2017 08:15

If I had to turn up to an event in spite of my DH wanting to go on his own, we would be done, I think. What's the point?

Littlepond · 06/04/2017 08:15

It's odd that he would tell you about the message from groom though, if he simply didn't want you there why would he tell you at all - surely easier for you to just go on thinking you just weren't invited?

Original poster
AppleShampoo · 06/04/2017 08:18

The thing was before the invitation came through, I had naively assumed that I would be invited.

I'd already discussed with my OH what dress I could wear (as i had bought a dress for a friend's wedding last September) which wasn't cheap so I was pleased to get another chance to wear it. So he knows I wanted to go.

Anyway, thanks for your opinions- I will update once I've spoken to him properly tonight.

OP posts:
Butterymuffin · 06/04/2017 08:19

Yes, someone has cancelled so they now have a free space, hence the last minute invite. Tell your boyfriend he was rude to not consult you and he can now let them know you will be coming after all.

shovetheholly · 06/04/2017 08:22

Sadly, I suspect that your intuitions are right and that he sees this as a chance to have a "lads' evening", i.e. to flirt with and leer at other women, and that you'd be a handicap in him doing so.

It really sucks for you, especially as you were looking forward to the occasion. Flowers But I honestly don't think that your issue is really with the wedding now - it's with a partner who sees you as liable to get in the way of his fun. Sad

Mysterycat23 · 06/04/2017 09:12

If he was serious about his future with you OP he would be excited to take you to a wedding! It's a very romantic occasion after all. Sorry to be harsh, but please don't waste any more of your precious time on this idiot.

taraboomdeyay · 06/04/2017 09:17

OP if you settle for this shit you are storing up a lot of grief for the future. Take stock now and set your sights for a partner who will respect you, this one doesn't and will never be made to.

Msqueen33 · 06/04/2017 09:24

Good luck. I don't blame you being hacked off. Might be a good opportunity for a piss up but even so I'd be unhappy that he'd replied without even asking me.

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