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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think DP is in the wrong about this?

44 replies

PagingDrKarl · 05/04/2017 21:07

I was chatting to DP about some friends who have recently got married. He said the woman "still hadn't" changed her facebook cover photo which he felt was questionable before, but definitely not right now she's married. Said photo is a shot from behind of her walking along a beach in a tight/fairly skimpy bikini. It definitely shows off her body.

I said I thought this was preposterous and archaic: totally up to her what she wants to put as her photo and what the hell does being married have to do with it -- is she now her husband's property?

He said it's not about that: it'd be the same if it were a man posing topless, and if he were her husband he wouldn't like it.

Came around to saying he can "see both points of view" and that it comes down to whether you think being married changes a relationship or not, which he does.

I still feel cross about it! Curious to know whether I'm in a minority on this issue.

OP posts:
KinkyAfro · 05/04/2017 21:10

He's a dick!

Thattimeofyearagain · 05/04/2017 21:12

God almighty, does he think its the 1800's ?Confused

DorotheaHomeAlone · 05/04/2017 21:17

He's being a dick. This is definitely about 'ownership' of women. I would try to stay calm and polite and gently probe him further to see how deep this seam of misogyny runs.

Shoxfordian · 06/04/2017 06:47

Mmm watch out for further misogynistic tendencies

stumblymonkeyremix · 06/04/2017 06:57

I could just about see his point if it was a duck face, camera pointed towards hoiked up boobs pic. The ones that basically scream 'men of FB...please, please give me attention'.

But other than that one exception he's being a dick.

DonaldStott · 06/04/2017 07:07

Did his monocle fall out when he seen it?

How preposterous!!

dylsmimi · 06/04/2017 07:07

Surely she was in a loving monogamous relationship with her DH before they got married so the fact she now has a wedding certificate and a ring doesn't change anything about her feelings/fidelity. She therefore doesn't need to change her picture at all. but we knew that already!

Naicehamshop · 06/04/2017 07:09

Very odd from him. Confused

Trifleorbust · 06/04/2017 07:10

Ridiculous. She can show her body off if she likes.

BathshebaDarkstone · 06/04/2017 07:17

He sounds like my stepdad: "no one can look at my DW except me." Is he like that with you?

pictish · 06/04/2017 07:25

The problem is, he thinks she is 'showcasing her wares' which he now considers 'sold' because she has been married...hence thinking she needs to change her profile picture.
He is, of course, a dinosaur. She's just proud of a nice picture of her own body...what with being a person and all that...and can display it and herself, however she chooses.
Tell him to shut up.

TheDowagerCuntess · 06/04/2017 07:26

I honestly can't imagine a parallel universe in which there was a planet with a country in it, where it would even begin to occur to my DH to register someone else's FB cover photo, let alone give a fuck.

Confused

There has got to be more to his thinking than meets the eye.............................

Purplepicnic · 06/04/2017 07:30

He needs to take a look at himself and really think about what he's saying.

TheDowagerCuntess · 06/04/2017 07:31

I'm not really implying anything much, by the way.

Checking her cover daily, is he, to see whether she's changed it. Is he...?

LagunaBubbles · 06/04/2017 07:32

It seems really odd that he objects to this and would make me wonder about your own relationship.

LindyHemming · 06/04/2017 07:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PovertyJetset · 06/04/2017 07:34

That's hellava weird, on so many levels!

Original poster
PagingDrKarl · 06/04/2017 07:40

Thank you all for the responses.

I am glad to have it confirmed that I'm not being silly about this.

dylsmimi exactly! Even if one entertains that marriage does change relationships in some ways (which I don't think is a given), that's the worst way to conceive of it changing!

I would like to bring this up with him calmly; I wonder what are the best questions to ask... And how scan I succinctly counter his argument that it's the same if a man does it (without launching into a diatribe).

BathshebaDarkstone I haven't noticed signs of him being like that with me but am now feeling concerned! That exact scenario hasn't come up because I don't happen to have put up similar photos. Of course now v tempted to although I look more like the michelin man than like Kate Moss so they might not have the desired effect

OP posts:
TenThousandSteps · 06/04/2017 07:43

I wonder again why people just cannot let other people live their own lives and stop busy-bodying themselves worrying about the behaviour of others when it has absolutely NO impact on their own lives ...... unless he feels guilty about ogling another woman's Facebook page and he wants to project his guilt onto her. Victim blaming and all that .....

Bluntness100 · 06/04/2017 07:46

Very old fashioned. I'm afraid I would not address that calmly I'd simply tell him what a total tosser he was and Close the conversation.

My husband has never said something like that, but if he says something wankerish, which he occasionally does as we all do, I don't feel the need to have a proper discussion with him on it, I simply tell him he's being a wanker and he's left with no doubt on my feelings on the matter.

And let's be in no doubt, your partner is being a wanker.

Ohyesiam · 06/04/2017 07:49

Wow, look out for when he buys you a burkha op. Obviously women's bodies are just there to be ogled, until the highest bidder comes along and takes ownership.

Hmm
CasperGutman · 06/04/2017 08:21

I understand why you all feel the way you do, but consider his point for a moment: can you really not imagine a photo that would look a bit wrong as a profile pic for a man in a long-term relationship/marriage?

gamerchick · 06/04/2017 08:29

I think I'd be asking him why he's checking out her profile picture daily just to get his full attention before being stern.
Don't marry him, he has odd ideas.

Original poster
PagingDrKarl · 06/04/2017 08:30

CasperGutman I can imagine photos of both men and women that could seem a bit wrong, but they're not like this photo in question. Also:
a) one of my issues with this whole thing was the apparent change between what's acceptable in a long-term relationship and what's acceptable in marriage.
b) I don't think the equivalent photo of a man (e.g. in swimming trunks, from behind, walking to the beach or, as my partner suggested, topless) would be wrong.

OP posts:
Original poster
PagingDrKarl · 06/04/2017 08:34

gamerchick to be fair, we went on their profiles to see if they had any wedding pictures up and that's when the comment was made, (though for all I know he may well check her pic out frequently and consequently feel guilty/victim blamey, as TheDowagerCuntess suggested.)

Ironically, we are supposed to be getting married in a year; highly concerned now about this. Wonder whether I'll be asked to stop my job too so I can cook and clean at home....

OP posts:
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