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AIBU?

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Original poster

"Pat downs"

68 replies

user1486241726 · 05/04/2017 14:10

DD (19) is back from uni for Easter and we have been catching up on her nights out and social life etc. She mentioned that one of the clubs they go to often has male bouncers that give you a pat down body search on entry. I asked DD if there were female bouncers there and she said no - just male. Asked her what happens if you ask for a woman and she said she didn't know - her lot always just get on with the search to get into the club.

I said I personally don't think I'd feel comfortable being patted down by a man and DD couldn't understand why, said she'd never really been bothered by it or even thought about it - apparently her female friends have never mentioned it either.

Am i completely out of touch?? I don't think I'd want to be patted down by a man but DD didn't seem fazed at all.

OP posts:
MaidOfStars · 05/04/2017 14:15

Where do they pat? Arms, waist, thighs, I guess. Across boobs and bum? That seems less likely?

Arms etc: It wouldn't bother me (caveat: assuming I didn't perceive it was anything other than professionally done). But I am lucky enough to have never suffered violence or worse at the hands of a man. If I was with a female who objected, I would support her completely.

Boobs and bum: I'd be surprised any male puts himself in that position, to be honest.

UserSchmooser · 05/04/2017 14:23

I was a doorwoman and club manager. Whilst it was different 'back then', we had pat-downs when we felt it necessary. We had only male (and me) doormen and I don't remember a single complaint or request for a same-sex doorperson for a pat-down.

If you are brusque, businesslike and firm, you don't get complaints. People sneaking drugs and weapons into clubs are smart enough to try to get them in in bras or groins and therefore they need to be checked. A soft lingering stroke is inappropriate. A very quick but firm check is not.

Your daughter doesn't have a problem with it and if she did, she could go somewhere else. I think you're predicting your own issues on to her.

Your daughter is lucky to not view every professional man as some kind of pervert who only got into their line of work to touch up and take advantage of girls. She lives in a much nicer world than you do and she deserves to stay there.

VestalVirgin · 05/04/2017 14:53

he lives in a much nicer world than you do

Nonsense. She lives in exact the same shitty world as OP does. She is just lucky she hasn't seen its nasty sides yet. And I hope she doesn't, ever.

Yes, short term, it is much more pleasant to trust males.

Long-term, it is safer not to.

UserSchmooser · 05/04/2017 15:01

Long-term, it is safer not to.

Long-term, you can live in fear of half of the world or accept that very, very, very few men are rapists and the best thing you can do is expect me to not be nasty predators.

As soon as your MiL starts watching over your shoulder to make sure you don't kill your children (statistically safer for her to check) then you can bleat on about men being untrustworthy

Huskylover1 · 05/04/2017 15:05

Erm, I think I'd rather enjoy a good pat down from a big burly bouncer. Grin

MovingtoParadise · 05/04/2017 15:10

You're not going to find drugs in a bra or groin though - I could hide a tube of toothpaste under my norks and you'd not find it Grin

Plus if I can get a dildo up my fanjo then I could hide a gun HmmGrin

Not that I would do any of those things

UserSchmooser · 05/04/2017 15:21

@MovingtoParadise

I'm talking about 10 pills or a few grams of coke or a blade, not who can get a shotgun up their arse.

Most regular drug users don't hide them inside their bodies.

Renaissance2017 · 05/04/2017 15:28

That's the club rules so if a client doesn't like it don't go there.

MrsJayy · 05/04/2017 15:34

DD used to do door security years ago anyway she did patdown on women there is no rules or laws but it is preferable isn't it makes you a bit more comfy imo, however the blokes used to make lewd jokes about being felt up by a girl Angry

terrylene · 05/04/2017 15:38

Your daughter is lucky to not view every professional man as some kind of pervert

She is just lucky not to have come across the 'professional man' pervert yet Hmm. They certainly do exist.

UserSchmooser · 05/04/2017 15:48

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

terrylene · 05/04/2017 15:53

Funny - I have never yet met a mother who has killed her children, but plenty of dodgy gropey men.

UserSchmooser · 05/04/2017 15:58

0.000066875

You're a very unlucky lady, unless you have a very personal definition of 'dodgy'. Something really different to the legal definition of "dodgy".

What's your definition?

terrylene · 05/04/2017 16:03

What is the 'legal definition of 'dodgy'' ? Confused New one on me

TheSmallPrint · 05/04/2017 16:05

Wow UserSchmooser how patronising.

Some stats from Rape Crisis for you:

Here are some other key statistics about sexual violence:

Approximately 85,000 women and 12,000 men are raped in England and Wales alone every year; that's roughly 11 rapes (of adults alone) every hour. These figures include assaults by penetration and attempts.
Nearly half a million adults are sexually assaulted in England and Wales each year
1 in 5 women aged 16 - 59 has experienced some form of sexual violence since the age of 16
Only around 15% of those who experience sexual violence choose to report to the police
Approximately 90% of those who are raped know the perpetrator prior to the offence

UserSchmooser · 05/04/2017 16:10

@thesmallprint

From rape crisis, "1070" were found guilty of rape. If you combine this with their conviction statistics you get... nonsense.

Attempt to penetrate is not rape. We need to be careful of our sources don't we.

There could even be some charities which need to massage figures for their own relevance and funding. I'd suspect that any with the word 'rape' in its name would find this a fine line to walk.

TheSmallPrint · 05/04/2017 16:16

Again with the patronising comments.

No, I don't need to be careful with sources. Conviction rates are notoriously bad due to many, many reasons and I find it hard to believe that 84,000 people have 'cried rape'. You may throw aside attempted rape and assaults by penetration but I'm damn sure that the people it happened to didn't.

Sexual violence and assault comes in many forms and women (and many men) are rightly concerned about them. Attitudes like yours stink.

terrylene · 05/04/2017 16:18

If you are brusque, businesslike and firm, you don't get complaints

The heavy breathing and the glazed over eyes give it away though........

UserSchmooser · 05/04/2017 16:24

Conviction rates are fairly in line with other criminal acts.

I'm not entirely sure how this thread got down to rape so quickly: the OP'd daughter has no issues with a pat-down.

Going by your twisted stats, 0.00265625 of men in the UK are rapists - you'd have to be a paranoid person to spend your life worrying that the person letting you into a club was enjoying checking the underwire of your bra for pills. Doormen literally (meant in the literal sense) have women throwing themselves at them every night. They don't need to get their jollies from touching up a woman in the queue.

Klaphat · 05/04/2017 16:31

1,070 rapists were found guilty in the UK last year. If they raped two different women (very unlikely) there's a 0.000066875 of a woman meeting a rapist.

I think you're a very peculiar person if you think women are only scared of meeting men who have been convicted.

UserSchmooser · 05/04/2017 16:32

@Klaphat

I think you're a very peculiar person if you think that men are simply people waiting to be convicted but ho hum - teach your daughters what you wish.

TheSmallPrint · 05/04/2017 16:33

I think you'll find you turned the conversation to rapists and twisted statistics.

OP, I suspect she's not questioned it because it's always been the norm in her experience. If she's OK with it then no problem but if she does get the odd one who seems to be doing a bit more than a quick pat down she should put in a complaint to the club. Sounds like shes been OK so far.

velourvoyageur · 05/04/2017 16:36

Boobs and bum: I'd be surprised any male puts himself in that position, to be honest.

I don't want to be snippy but do you not see this is extremely a bit naive?
If someone is a dick, they will abuse power where they have leeway to.

MaidOfStars · 05/04/2017 16:45

velour Sorry, I was indicating that any "genuine" male who had no desire to get any jollies off female clientele would not put himself in that position, where he is touching boobs and bum - I think there would be hyperawareness and the desire to protect himself from accusations of impropriety or worse. I am pretty astonished that male bouncers may be able to touch female boobs and bum with their employer viewing this as normal and acceptable. But the OP hasn't clarified what the "pat down" entails.

Of course, If someone is a dick, they will abuse power where they have leeway to. I agree.

UserSchmooser · 05/04/2017 16:47

I am pretty astonished that male bouncers may be able to touch female boobs and bum with their employer viewing this as normal and acceptable.

Why?

What about lesbians, if you're attempting to turn this into something sexual?